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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why some parents (particularly dads!) treat daughters differently?

28 replies

cloudnine9 · 15/10/2018 10:47

i may be BU here but it seems like so many dads favour daughters over sons

my DH dad definitely favours his sister and protects her/gives her money etc above her brothers

we have a dd and DH is obsessed with her, says he wants her to stay forever etc. she's never allowed a bf if any boy hurt her he would kill them etc.

we're having a little boy after xmas and he just doesnt seem as protective? im really worried (yes im hormonal lol) that he'll always love dd more and i want him to love/care for both our babies equally! like with our baby he says he'll encourage him to look after himself etc. but with our dd i know he'd give her the world on a plate if he could (im very much of the belief that we should be helping both of our DCs but also make sure they are adults who dont rely on us!)

anyone else have experience of this or am i just being silly?

OP posts:
MemoryOfSleep · 15/10/2018 10:50

I see what you mean tbh. I always thought it was a good job my DF never had a son, as the poor lad would have been raised with every stereotype going, but he was very liberal with his daughters.

Singlenotsingle · 15/10/2018 10:56

I think there are different expectations of boys (even now, in this enlightened age). Boys are expected to be more proactive, and to look after themselves rather than being protected and looked after. And when a man becomes a dad, often he expects more from his sons rather than his daughters. I see this in my own DS who is father to a boy and a girl. The girl ((who is a feisty little thing) is fussed over, cuddled and spoilt much more than his boy. He is very protective over his daughter.

MrsStrowman · 15/10/2018 11:08

My dad has always treated my brother and I the same, my mum on the other hand, well all I can say is that she's made a rod for SILs back

Original poster
cloudnine9 · 15/10/2018 11:13

MrsStrowman oh really that's interesting! i guess you do hear of father/daughter and then mother/son

i just cant imagine treating dd better than ds just because shes a girl!

OP posts:
buscaution · 15/10/2018 11:14

we have a dd and DH is obsessed with her, says he wants her to stay forever etc. she's never allowed a bf if any boy hurt her he would kill them etc.

we're having a little boy after xmas and he just doesnt seem as protective?

You are aware how ridiculous this sounds??

You can not compare your DH'd protective instinct for his daughter and a child that hasn't ever been born yet Confused

GreenIce · 15/10/2018 11:15

Totally agree. I see it very clearly with my BIL who let's my niece get away with so much more than her brother even though her behaviour is worse, but then is always telling me 'girls are so much easier.'

I do also think my DH is far harsher and less affectionate with our boys than he would have been with a DD but trying to explain this to him is like banging my head against a brick wall.

pigeondujour · 15/10/2018 11:16

we have a dd and DH is obsessed with her, says he wants her to stay forever etc. she's never allowed a bf if any boy hurt her he would kill them etc.

Ew. Your DH sounds weird.

silkpyjamasallday · 15/10/2018 11:17

I think it happens in any combination of parent/child regardless of the sexes, it's just individuals. Sons and daughters are treated differently due to societal attitudes to gender roles, and some parents will adhere to the sterotypes more than others and maybe focus that more on one sex than the other. Not forgetting some people's overwhelming desire to have a child of a certain sex, often the same as their own so as to have a mini me, because they cannot imagine doing gendered things like playing football or shopping etc with the 'wrong' sex.

I wouldn't worry too much OP, I think for men it is easier to bond once the baby is out in the real world, they can't have the same bonding experience as the mother who can feel the baby for months before it is born. Once your little boy is here I'm sure his dad will be just as head over heels and protective as he is of your dd

Original poster
cloudnine9 · 15/10/2018 11:22

buscaution i do see what you're saying but already you can just see his expectations of a son are so different to his expectations of a daughter

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 15/10/2018 11:23

Maybe they remember all the times they treated other people's daughters badly and panic that's going to happen to their own?

GloriousMystery · 15/10/2018 11:23

Because they have not interrogated the highly gendered expectations of their own own upbringing and socialisation, and are being a bit dimwitted.

The insanely overprotective over daughters thing is an offshoot of men realising that just as they were socialised to see women primarily as sexual conquests, other men will not realise their daughter is Ringfenced and Special and will just see her as another conquest. The same kind of thing as men who think that going to lapdancing clubs is harmless, until you ask them to imagine their teenage daughter grinding on the lap of a man of their own age, ie. women are fair game as long as it's not your daughter/sister/mother.

Cluckcluck18 · 15/10/2018 11:24

My DH is definitely biased towards our DD but I've also put it down to the fact she takes after him, whereas our DS takes after me and is harder work. It wasn't until our DD was born that DP started mellowing out which DS has benefited from abit but he definitely gets treated differently. It annoys me.

Original poster
cloudnine9 · 15/10/2018 11:26

silkpjs - thank you :) lovely reassuring message

OP posts:
OlderThanAverageforMN · 15/10/2018 11:27

In the same way my DM thinks the sun shines out of her sons backsides, but as for me........ not so much.

buscaution · 15/10/2018 11:29

i do see what you're saying but already you can just see his expectations of a son are so different to his expectations of a daughter

Expectations of having a child always vary from the reality of the child.

I wouldn't worry too much about this until your Son is actually here. If he doesn't have the same protective feelings then, well I would agree, but until the child is actually born I think it's a really silly comparison.

Original poster
cloudnine9 · 15/10/2018 11:29

thanks for replies everyone

definitely a gender thing i guess i just dont want ds to feel lke he is treated differently or told off more which i do worry! i guess once baby is here he will bond and soften a bit automatically

it really annoys me actually lol when men treat women in a way theyd be fuming if someone treated their daughter like that!

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 15/10/2018 11:30

I have to keep mine in check as dd is manipulative and tries to wrap dh round her little finger.
She has always been the same.
Our much older now grown up dc knew that if one of us said no we were speaking for both of us.
DD otoh would try and get round dh, she'd try all sorts.
Whilst it's much better now at 14, she will still try sometimes.

Original poster
cloudnine9 · 15/10/2018 11:30

buscaution you're probably right i think mums obviously just bond earlier due to being pregnant so i need to remember its not the same for dads

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 15/10/2018 11:30

@cloudnine9 more was expected of me by mum because 'women can do anything' (she means everything) , DB never cooked, she'd iron and pack his holiday clothes for him when he went away with friends in his late teens early twenties, he never did any washing etc, not even his own, she'd even go out and get presents etc for his girlfriend at birthday and Christmas (he did pay for them). All of this wasn't because she did the housework or wasn't employed, she works full time and dad did and still does the housework, it was because it was her darling boy 🙄. SIL and I were talking about it in front of her yesterday and she just shrugs. SIL finds it difficult to get DB to do anything around the house, and was saying how 'good' it is my DH mucks in, even though I have to ask him to do some things rather than him just noticing they need doing. My response is always that a penis doesn't equal privilege in my household and there's nothing to be applauded about being an adult. I think there are probably a lot of sons who've been mothered in this way going by some of the threads about lazy DPs/DHs on here!

Thymeout · 15/10/2018 11:39

I think there is definitely a cross-gender bond between mothers and sons and fathers and daughters. It doesn't mean that parents love the child of opposite sex more or that it's all due to societal conditioning.
There's some sort of innate biological thing going on as well.

My v wise GP said she'd been unaware of the fact that she treated her son differently until she overheard her dd say, 'You ask her. She'll say Yes to you.' She rolled her eyes and said, 'Mothers and sons...'

So yes, be aware of it and try to be fair, but I don't think it's something that's likely to change deep down by trying to be gender neutral. Obviously there are exceptions, but I do think there's a difference between boys and girls which sometimes means they have different needs.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 15/10/2018 11:42

I think it's down to personality.

Dp and I are much firmer with our dd but she takes the piss and needs firm bounderies. Whereas ds will assert his own bounderies, he was able to make the right choices (( bedtime, screen time etc )) from a much earlier age. He takes the bins out without asking and does all his jobs unprompted........whereas dd would spend 24 hours a.day on her ipad bellowing 'feed me ' on occasion.

We are aware of it tho and don't want dd to feel that's she's constantly being nagged at. I even get a little frustrated with ds at times because he rarely doesnt do as asked and I feel it's healthy for both dcs to see the other being badgered.

It isnt because theyre different genders tho, it's because theyre different people. In all honesty dd is a lot like me. Im a lazy, putter offer. Whereas ds is very laid back. And does what he needs to do to get through his day.

ChortleFace88 · 15/10/2018 11:47

I disagree with a PP who said boys are expected to be more proactive and girls are more protected. I work with young people 18-21yo and parents are far, far more likely to call up making a fuss about their sons than their daughters.

One thing that has always made me angry is this dad attitude of "my daughter won't be allowed a boyfriend until she's 40 and I'll beat up any boy that comes sniffing around, but when my son brings random girls home I'll high-five him in the morning and feel proud" etc. Absolute sexist bullshit that really boils my piss.

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 15/10/2018 11:57

PsychedelicSheep has it. They know most* men treat women pretty appallingly, especially in their younger years. They struggle with the idea of their daughters having bodily autonomy and being sexual creatures in their own right. Whereas it is still considered great for men to 'sow their wild oats' before settling down. You only have to look at the threads on here over the weekend about the number of sexual partners people have had and the character judgements made on them as a result, to see it is still like that.

*NAMALT, because, well, you know why...

Original poster
cloudnine9 · 15/10/2018 12:01

Chortle - totally agree and that's what annoys me about DH already!

he always says aww dd isn't allowed a bf ill be having firm words with anyone she ever brings home but already has made a couple jokes about 'yes son go you getting all the girls!'

i know it is a joke but there's obviously a word of truth in there too!

OP posts:
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/10/2018 12:06

My parents treated me and my brother both the same (as personalities allowed - we were very different). I have noticed a lot of dad's being over protective of their daughters - choice of clothing, boyfriends etc . I also hate the whole 'she's not having a bf til she's 30, any boy has to get past me first' thing, when they have a son who doesn't get the same treatment. I think it's because they still think of sex as something for the man's enjoyment and the woman is 'spoiled' afterwards, they can't seem to fathom that if they teach their daughter self respect and self esteem that she may have her own fulfilling sex life some day. They think men are only after one thing (because that's what they were like) and women need to be protected from this. But any son who brings a girl home is seen very differently. It's old fashioned at best and very sexist