Why does nobody get me?

[Namechangemum100]

Sometimes I feel so alone in my journey as a mum. I have 2 children, a 20 month old and a 6 month old. I love them to pieces, but I don't enjoy being a mum.
I'm not depressed, I just find the monotony overwhelming.
IV always been a very up front and open person, I say how I feel and I don't have much of a filter.
When I'm around other mums, if they ask how I am, I'll tell them the truth. It's not always bad, but sometimes if I have had a rubbish day, week, whatever, I will say it as it is. I'll tell them that I lost my cool, that I cried in Costa, that if they don't nap I feel as though I might explode, that IV spent the morning at a playgroup where one of them took a dump, I had no nappies in the right size and felt like a terrible mum.
I'll tell my friends that I was a dickhead and text my husband a load of abuse because I was having a terrible day and now I feel like a twatbag.
But everytime I do, I'm met with nothing to relate too, it's Asif I am the only one who feels like this. Everyone else seems to cope so well, to not melt down, to enjoy motherhood to its fullest without its ups and downs.

Don't get me wrong, I don't go up to perfect strangers and unload on them, these are people I know, friends. And it's not always bad stuff, I do have positive things to say,, it's just when things aren't going right, and I do let it out, it's like I'm some kind of alien. I feel like a terrible mum sometimes when I realise nobody else has these thoughts, that I'm just alone in it amongst a load of far more capable mother's.

Is it just me, is there something wrong with me?

Totally get you! This is why I try to avoid talking to other parents. It's all bloody wonderful in their perfect worlds...

I tell my friends the blunt truth. Not dramatically. But that it is the most exhausting, draining thing I have ever done and they can see that truth in my face and my eyes.

I mean, my son hasn't slept through more than once in 17m and kept me awake from the moment I could feel him move, so that's something to do with it 🤷🏼‍♀️

I hear you op, and I have often felt the same.
My kids are a bit older now and I still feel that way. I mean, I love them but parenting is shite. I am never organised, always in a rush. I forget to read emails and school letters. I always find out about things when everyone else already knew weeks ago.
I don't find motherhood fulfilling at all and now I have no career and feel like I have wasted my time and my life. I try not to think about it. I would have loved a friend like you when mine were little. Now I feel I don't have any friends I can be myself with.
@user369145 you are so right.

@Harrassedhubby they can take my toddler with them next time! It will give me a break and a chance for a cuppa in the debenhams cafe 😂

@RayRayBidet you sound like me and I'm only 17m in 🙈 help! Be my friend! 😂

Could you be coming off as quite dramatic in the way you're sharing your bad days? Might make people pull back somewhat?

Can we create a whatsapp group called 'FINE thanks'? 🤔

Never, never, joke about something like that... My boys are feral, think Lord of the flies, love em to bits though( they’re not allowed anywhere near a cafe, bit like the Katy twins😐)

@AlphaBravo
Yes yes!

I've found one mum friend who I can text at any time and say "oh my god he's being a dickhead today!"

I've found a lot of others who will generally acknowledge that parenting is bloody hard and they feel like a shit mum this week because xyz.

I've honestly not met any of those oh so perfect mums yet! Maybe I'm lucky?!

Or maybe I have, but I've scared them off by talking about my broken vagina and calling my son a twat 🤔 🤷‍♀️

You sound fine to me!!

Maybe time to go back to work? Change of scenery might be good.

A couple of thoughts are that people need more of a gentle intro, a warm up, than that. Jumping straight in with 'argh, this was terrible / embarrassing / I cried' takes them by surprise, they're not prepared for it, it's jarring, conversation-ending. If you start more gently, more conversationally, then move onto that experience, rather than dumping it all on them straight away, they might be warmed up and better prepared to respond.

Also, that other people who do feel bad may find it hardest to respond. Holding things together can be hard and opening up to the possibility of everything being rather crap and difficult may be too scary for them, not a reality they want to explore, or just not the right moment.

People who are struggling are often very busy mentally. They don't have mental space or energy to deal with someone else's bad experience.

So I think a difficulty with your approach is that it relies on an assumption, that people who have similar experiences to you want to deal with them in the same way you do. Or, that they're all fine, stable and have energy to give. Neither thing may be true.

A WhatsApp group called ‘FINE thanks’ is a brilliant idea. I would have loved to have met you 33 years ago when I had shouty, losing it, tearful days/weeks and felt no one around me would understand if I admitted to it. DD has been messaging me today about DGDs behaviour which has suddenly descended into all out anarchy. There are so many parents out there that need to have someone around them they can admit to everything not always being perfect or even ok sometimes. I don’t get why so many parents have to try maintain an image of totally in control, happy and calm parent. Surely no one is really like that. Well at least not all the time.

I think it depends though.

I wonder whether you come across as always moaning. You may think you're being honest, and don't always complain, but that may not be the reality from the other side.

Everyone sometimes feels like you OP, they just aren't admitting it.

Anyone who is brave enough inbox me and I'll set up the whatsapp group 👌 I'm not on FB anymore or I'd do it on there. I could reactivate I guess though.

I think you just have shit friends tbh.

Most of mine and my friends conversations feature lots of my children are:
Faulty/broken
Ready to return to the shop
About to go in the bin
Might lock them outside
Why are they so obsessed with me

Also plenty other types of moany conversations that of course we don't mean because we love our children more then anything but sometimes you just need to rant.

I get you.

People mostly assume I'm one of those perfect mums, because outwardly I cope brilliantly. Inwardly I don't always. I found the early days of 2 under 2 tough.

It's not just you. Good piece of advice.. don't compare how you feel inside with how other people seem on the outside.

I'm right there with you OP! I think this is why I haven't made 'Mum Friends', but I'm fine with that! Incidentally all of my friends from before I moved area seem to get it and don't seem shocked when I tell them I want to trade in my child only half joking

I get you 🤗. I am a healthcare professional and I know there are lots of other people out there feeling the same way who would get you too. We are all winging it, anyone who says otherwise is either very fortunate or not being entirely honest.

I get this. I've had a shocked 'but you love her really....don't you..!?!' when I've said my toddler is being a bastard. And everyone I know seems to be wanting to slow down time to spend every second they can with their new baby while I feel like that sometimes but also have moments of 'I can't wait til she is old enough to feed herself without me having to hose her and the kitchen down' or til I can have a weekend away etc

I do wonder whether everyone else is a better parent than me. But mostly I think everyone is either driving themselves into the ground being the perfect parent with the perfect children (educational activities every single day, groups, craft, exercise etc while we just hang around the house and go to the park and a wee trip out to the shops) or they are fake and are just pretending to be feeling #soblessed all the time, even when given ample opportunity to offload about the monotony and boredom like a normal person would!

I'd rather have ups and downs and a normal paced life, and be realistic about the good and the bad bits. If your child is really your whole life and there are never any bad bits I think you would crumble when they grow up and don't need you as much any more!

I could have written this post OP and from the sounds of it, we are not alone!

I have four kids and over the years I have had one friendship from toddlers group turn out to be more than just polite chit chat.

I’m like you, pretty honest and don’t sugar coat my life. I think their are lots of people out their just holding their shit together while trying hard to present this picture perfect exterior.

Two parents I have actually thought to live perfect lives actually both turned out to be in hideous sitatutions recently which involved their spouses being utterly miserable with the picture perfect dream.

I moan to my real friends about the kids, I make polite chit chat with mums at toddlers and at school. If someone moaned to me I would listen and offer support though.

Also there are lots of navel gazers out there.

I get you. It's not just you, I think a lot of people feel the same but some people don't like to blow their cover.

I remember once going into the supermarket, ds1 in tow, baby in the sling, I got to self checkout (don't know why because self checkouts fucking hate me) and realised I'd forgotten something. When I returned the shop assistant had scanned and packed all my items, I literally wanted to hug her, I was having such a shitty day and I'd struggled to even get out the house.

Sometimes you just need someone to empathise, to share stories, laugh and cry about the ups and downs of motherhood.

What you don't want is to be met with a blank face and a head tilt.