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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Didn't do me/my DC any harm..."

55 replies

herewegoagainn · 14/10/2018 19:00

Does this statement drive anyone else mad?

I find it's usually rolled out when observing someone generally following current health and/or parenting guidelines. I'd love to respond - how do you know?

I'd never dream of blaming someone's health or relationship problems on their own choice of actions because I understand there's so many factors involved but why criticise someone for trying to avoid them by following professional advice?

OP posts:
Thisreallyisafarce · 14/10/2018 20:13

I can see both sides. There is quite a bit of advice out there that I think is massively overbearing and unnecessary. I follow most professional advice and I keep my opinions to myself unless asked for, but yes, sometimes I do think, "It never did me any harm."

Original poster
herewegoagainn · 14/10/2018 20:15

Actually weaning is probably a terrible eg of mine as I think the advice is under review and there are arguments for starting earlier

BUT that doesn't make it ridiculous to follow current advice or be mindful of the risks in discussion

OP posts:
Thisreallyisafarce · 14/10/2018 20:18

Actually weaning is probably a terrible eg of mine as I think the advice is under review and there are arguments for starting earlier

But before the advice came under review, there were lots of parents "disgusted" by other parents who chose not to follow the advice not to start weaning until 6 months, weren't there? And as it turned out, the advice changed. There really is no blanket rule that one must follow current advice from HCPs.

Tillytrotter123 · 14/10/2018 20:21

YANBU. I’m tired of being told to not cuddle my baby too much. Older relatives say ‘it’ll spoil her’ or ‘she will start to rely on it,’ she was about 2 weeks old at the time! Ive been told to give her gripe water and suck on wet sponges, even though she’s never had any tummy troubles. I just smile and nod now.

Pebblespony · 14/10/2018 20:23

My DM: "Fish fingers and waffles never did you any harm" in the same conversation "how's slimming world going?"

Thisreallyisafarce · 14/10/2018 20:25

Pebblespony

You may be the only person in the world who got fat from eating fish fingers! I got fat from eating cake.

EthelHallowsBroomstick · 14/10/2018 20:26

My parents are very keen on saying 'you turned out fine', but actually me and my siblings all have mental health issues, so no, 'fine' is not the word I'd use.

Same. I'm not saying we have MH problems and low self-esteem because we were sleep trained (by being shut in a room for 12 hours all night every night), smacked and (in my case) told it was my fault I was bullied because I didn't try hard enough to "fit in", but I'm willing to take the chance on doing things differently, just in case.

Pebblespony · 14/10/2018 20:27

Not just too many fish fingers but waaay too much processed food and a lack of fruit and veg. I struggle to eat healthy even now.

Pebblespony · 14/10/2018 20:28

But yes on the cake tooGrin

Thisreallyisafarce · 14/10/2018 20:30

Pebblespony

My diet growing up wasn't great, to be fair. Probably not enough fruit and veg. But it was a money thing in my case.

AllTheChocolateMice · 14/10/2018 20:40

It’s never been an issue, well not with close family members. I had my first at 16, second at 24 and 3 & 4 at 32,34. A few things have changed during that time and I’ve gone along with the changes, so has my dm

My eldest was weaned at 4 months as were lots of dc 23 years ago, he has lactose intolerance and quite possibly irritable bowl. I don’t know if it’s the early weaning or not but it had changed to 6 months 8 years later when ds2 was born so that’s when he was weaned. IMO it’s not worth taking the risk

Frlrlrubert · 14/10/2018 20:47

The safe sleep and the car seat stuff really annoys me. 'Did me no harm' - yep, because the kids that weren't so lucky aren't here to say it did them harm.

'We didn't have all these rules in my day' - yep, and look how many died. My grandfather was born in 1912, he was one of 12 and the only one to survive to adulthood.

I'm not sure why you would take risks you don't have to with your child's life and health.

AllTheChocolateMice · 14/10/2018 20:49

And people make the excuse that advice changes all the time, it doesn’t . 6 months weaning came in just before my nearly 16 year old was born and hasn’t changed since

Yes you use some common sense, some are ready at 5 months, some later than 6 but back in the day if they didn’t sleep lots of people started giving baby rice at 8-12 weeks

Original poster
herewegoagainn · 14/10/2018 21:11

@Thisreallyisafarce I'd find those disgusted parents annoying too! Because I expect they'd also be handing out unsolicited advice.

It's expected that advice might change as we find out more about things and it's sensible to use a bit of discretion sometimes and understand the context of the advice.

But the "never did me harm" ridicule is just annoying. I don't advertise the choices I make for myself or DC or ask about others so find the ridicule a bit wearing at times!

OP posts:
Original poster
herewegoagainn · 14/10/2018 21:17

Incidentally I'm not referring to my MIL or mum here. My MIL was ahead of her time on advice and I think she made some great choices (although yes, some of her suggestions are a bit alarming and I wouldn't use them now! But I appreciate her help and she respects that advice has changed as more us known)

OP posts:
cardibach · 14/10/2018 21:20

AlltheChicolate I’m one of those. DD is almost 23. I was advised by a HCP and zdD is absolutely fine.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/10/2018 21:21

I particularly hate this when used about smacking.
“I was smacked and it didn’t do me any harm” is ridiculous. It harmed you so badly and left you with such a warped view of parenting that you now believe that striking a small child is appropriate.
I find it headbangingly frustrating.
I was smacked. It made me dislike my mother. It made me lie.
I sometimes still find that I have to suppress the instinct to lie when I think I’m in the wrong.

Thisreallyisafarce · 14/10/2018 21:26

I was smacked and it didn’t do me any harm” is ridiculous. It harmed you so badly and left you with such a warped view of parenting that you now believe that striking a small child is appropriate.

Hmm. I was smacked and I haven't and have no intention of smacking. So, by your logic, I don't think it did me any harm! I honestly don't.

Mehaveit · 14/10/2018 21:27

@GetOffTheTableMabel you've just given me a lightbulb moment Flowers

claraschu · 14/10/2018 21:40

I really agree with GetOffTheTableMabel - I hate it when people say that being hit did them no harm.

However, I also find it annoying when people are extremely overly fussy about following guidelines exactly. I am old, and have travelled with children so much that I am aware that there has been a wide variety of very different advice in other countries and at other times. I don't comment on other people choices, but I sometimes wish people wouldn't take every little thing so seriously.

agnurse · 14/10/2018 21:52

I'd turn around and say to them, well, many people survived not wearing seatbelts in the car, but would you like to drive on the M1 without one?

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 14/10/2018 22:01

Since my DM became a grandmother again, she's reflected quite a lot on some of the things she used to say "never did us any harm". Especially since she read something about how repeated childhood strep infections can cause various adult health problems that I have. My DB and I had streptococcal tonsillitis several times a year until we were teens, DB for longer, exacerbated by DM smoking around us.

She's really mellowed about managing fussy eating as well and happily tells anyone who will listen that DB and I grew out of it in our own time and that we're now both adventurous eaters and good cooks.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/10/2018 22:20

YANBU! It's like the whole 'we're sick of listening to experts' thing. Just because in a sample size of the number of their own children they managed not to significantly harm them, doesn't mean it's the best thing for all children and they're ignoring decades of scientific studies and research. It's frustrating. I know a lady who smoked 20 a day and lived til she was 90....doesn't prove smoking doesn't do anyone any harm! Rrrggghhh!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/10/2018 22:26

Also...I was occasionally smacked on the bum. Parents were otherwise loving and we are close. I honestly don't think it did me any harm, I seemed to tune out being told off and a smack really made the point I'd done something bad. But that doesn't mean I smack my own children. I am sometimes tempted. But I listen to research showing that it generally doesn't work as a discipline method

boredmum18 · 14/10/2018 22:27

I HATE this!! My mil says it all the time about sleep guidelines, particularly us having ds in our room. I get "We didn't have our 3 with us for a single night and it didn't do them any harm" Great, your kids survived but thousands of babies died of sids so let's not disregard those tragedies

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