To wonder if your dad abandoning you leaves you with lifelong issues

[thepaddock]

I feel like it has for me but maybe that is just me as other people seem ok!

Unfortunately it does, I know that most people posting on here are women but it IMO it is worse for boys/men. I have met so many ‘fatherless’ men with issues stemming from this.

God yes, most of my ‘issues’ over the years have been pretty much directly traceable back to a father who walked away without a backward glance. I didn’t realise it at the time of course but see it very clearly now in my 40’s.

I sort of feel like I’ve done my own therapy, in that I’ve spent time working out why I feel/behave/think the way I do (or have done in the past) and (in most cases) found a way through or around things. It has damaged me but I also think I’ve ended up a kinder, more empathetic person and learned a lot about people and relationships because of it.

I still hate him, mostly for what he put my amazing DM through but also just for being a weak, spineless bastard who couldn’t live up to his responsibilities. My DM was very careful not to badmouth him but, reading between the lines, I suspect I’ve been better off without him. I can very genuinely say now (because I actually see my own worth these days) that it’s very much his loss that I’m not in his life and never will be.

I always think it hasn't really affected me but I think it probably has affected my relationships with men. I often choose men whose lives are a bit of a mess (drinking problems etc) because it makes me feel like I'm in control somehow. I always have to be the one in control in relationships because I don't trust men.

I couldn't afford counselling and to be honest I don't think I need it as I'm not unhappy in my day to day life. I'm aware of my issues and I've just chosen to stay single for the time being.

Agree with that too Itsear, my older DB is much more damaged than me, and a long way behind me in terms of healing it unfortunately. We’re pretty much NC

Yes absolutely. It's ruined my relationships with men.

My dad had 2/3 affairs in a short space of time when I was in my early teens, but to cover the guilt and lies told us all he was depressed and suicidal. He wasn't, he was just juggling lots of women, including my DM.

Then he left, we moved away to try to rebuild my mother, and he stopped bothering with us.

It's left deep scars in different ways for both me and my sister, and I often wonder what kind of people we would have grown into had it not happened.

Never knew my dad. My mum ran away when I was about 2 and took me with her. She had good reason to go. Knew nothing about his side of the family until I took up family tree research. It hasn't affected me as it was never treated as a drama. I have been married 44 years.

I think it largely depends on the age of the child and the reaction of the remaining parent. If the remaining parent is unable to cope and very much feels victimised then the children will be deeply affected.

I also want to hug all the posters who are having a rough time because of these spineless men .

My father chose a new wife over my sister and I (my mother had died when I was very young) when I was just about to go to Uni & made it very clear he wouldn’t be supporting me at all and that his life was with her now. I’ve tried over the years to resume contact with him but every time I see what a spineless twat he is.

It surprisingly didn’t affect my ability to form relationships, I was in one for 20 years and just at the age my dd was when I was abandoned, my ex did it to her. Chose another woman over his family. Only sees her once every couple of weeks for 2 hours at the most.
My heart breaks for her and my boys that he did that but I’m hoping I can be mum and dad for them since I’m going nowhere

My DP grew up without his dad. He came back into his life when he was in his late teens. They got on well. But it's affected him and also his ability to be a good enough father himself.

My mum had died.

Not for me no. Not seen him since I was 5 years old. My mum was brilliant, strong, a 'grafter'. She worked hard to provide everything me and my DB could ever need and was a great role model. Never had a step dad figure either.
I've always just thought that you don't miss what you haven't got! I've never felt any need to want to find him or know him.

I definitely think it’s affected me. My parents separated when I was a baby and he stopped seeing me (his choice) when I was 6. He was an awful, horrible, violent drunk and stopping contact was the best thing that could ever happen to me. My stepdad adopted me and has been the most wonderful father for most of my life.

But, I still have a constant fear of rejection and desire to please people. I have really low self esteem and I’m certain it’s because of my biological father.

On the flip side, I don’t suffer fools and don’t believe that people automatically deserve my love and respect. It means I don’t waste time on trying to maintain relationships with people who bring me down.

@thepaddock - I’m so sorry your mum died too