To wonder if your dad abandoning you leaves you with lifelong issues

[thepaddock]

I feel like it has for me but maybe that is just me as other people seem ok!

for you OP. I am sure ypu have heard this before but it is their loss not yours.

My DM, who's in her 80s, would tell you that it does. She hasn't seen her DF since he walked out when she was 13. It hurt her very much & has caused lifelong issues with trust & self esteem.

Yep definitely. I have had years of issues of not feeling good enough, in friendships, relationships and even work. Even in my marriage I am constantly needing reassurance that my DH isn't going anywhere and constant affection (I imagine it's quite annoying sometimes).
I had therapy last year and one of the most useful things was when my therapist asked me to write a letter to my dad and say everything I felt, all my memories and what it had done to me. It took 8 pages of A4 and we shredded it after but that was so cathartic.

@thepaddock - that's very sad that you were close and he left you at that age. Of course it will affect you, and I imagine you have unanswered questions. It's him, not you, which I'm sure you know, but need to actually believe.

Yes. And when DH proposed I said only if it lasts forever, didn't want to unless I knew it would last (v unreasonable, I know!).

DH and I have been married 20 years so am glad I took the chance.

I worry about this as the last time my 2 and 4 year olds saw their dad the baby was 10 weeks and the older was 2. Their dad is a waste of space

I think so. It definitely drove my choice of DH. I picked a man who is the absolute opposite of my 'D'F. He is a loudmouth bully and my DH is incredibly gentle. As a child my 'D'F would arrive Friday night and leave Sunday evening. He was such a useless father that my 'D'M gave up and just didn't bother with her children anymore, didn't cook, didn't clean, nurture or parent. 'D'F said to me two weeks ago that he blames me for the non RG university my DB went to. The fact that I'm only six years older than DB and not his fucking parent was completely lost on 'D'F.

On our first date I almost scared my DH off because I kept asking what kind of father he wanted to be. I refuse to inflict the type of childhood I had on my child. I've had therapy but couldn't afford to keep going but it was helpful. It was good to (finally) have my feelings and experience acknowleged.

I don't know who my Dad is. Its definitely had a life time effect.

Just wanted to add - for all the mums who have little ones who's dads have been gone since they were tiny or never around at all.

My years of issues come from 34 years of my dad being in and out of my life. He left when I was 5 and consistently let me down for the next 11 years, not turning up to visits, disappearing for years on end. At 16 I cut contact only for him to still drift in and out with meaningless apologies and then a revert to previous form.

I sometimes think it would have been so much easier on me if he had just pissed off and left it at that.

I'm clearly the odd one out then!

Yes. My father left when I was young and as I get older I realise more and more how fundamentally it affected and continues to affect most areas of my life. And it wasn’t just him, his whole family ceased contact. That level of rejection is hard to accept even now 30+ years later. I’ve seen many therapists and dealt with issues as they’ve arisen, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reach that little girl who just wants her daddy.

Yes, it does, but he abandoned me in a slightly different way. They remained married til I was a teenager but he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.

The thing is he's now an old man and he REALLY doesn't understand why I want nothing to do with him.

You reap what you sow.

I have had a fucktonne of therapy and it did help which is not to say it hasn't left a permanent scar in many ways

Well, I think yes, but for me I've been able to work through everything over various stints of therapy and I don't think I have any issues remaining.

I'm a much happier, more stable, more well rounded person because of therapy.

Nope. Not seen or heard from mine for 30 years (I’m in my 40s) - don’t even know if he’s alive nor dead. Nor do I care. It hasn’t affected me at all - genuinely. I have a lovely husband & life and have never had ‘issues’ about it - it’s not something I ever think about. I think it may boil down to your own personality a lot - I’m very ‘robust’ in that I just get up and get on with things rather than dwelling on stuff I can’t change/the past.

I don’t think it has anything to do with not being robust. I smiled and got on with it. Went to university and got a job, did life. Over twenty years later I am still waiting for my first boyfriend

Me too paddock. I’m 50.

My life is pretty successful and have good relationships with family and friends. I have two DCs (donor conceived ) and I’m good at being their parent.

But I probably struggle to feel attractive. My dad left - I became the other adult at home at 6 years old. And though my dad is still in my life, he has never been particularly loving or embracing. I get his attention and endorsement by being clever and competent. That has definitely had an effect on me.

I am totally at ease with it all now - good job too at 50! I’ve learnt to live with my burdens and shortcomings and have the best life I can have. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t damaged by it. And now as a parent myself, I see that I didn’t get to be carefree as a child and that in itself was a loss.

I think if you’ve never had a positive Male role model in your life or a man that’s loved you growing up then it does have lasting impact.

Like pps, my Dad has almost always been in my life but not been able to show love or be emotionally available. He shows his “love” as giving money but he barely spoke to me growing up, was always working so I often went weeks without seeing him, had an affair when I was a kid (so prioritise his mistress and her kids over time with me), never hugged me or said nice things to me, never tried to protect me etc etc. I also never had grandads in my life or uncles apart from one alcoholic and my brother (he’s 20 years older) was actively cruel and resentful of me. So the men I’ve experienced in my family have either been totally indifferent towards me.

In sixth form I noticed people getting into relationships and I literally didn’t know how to make that happen for myself. I’d have huge, painful, awkward crushes but would never ever express my feelings, I’d just hide as didn’t want to burden any guys with my feelings. I couldn’t fathom that anyone would ever want me.

I got asked out by my mum’s colleague’s son at 18 and literally went into a blind panic and said no. As much as I wanted a boyfriend I completely freaked out and couldn’t see what he saw in me.

No one asked me out again until over ten years later. I went through my entire teens and twenties without a boyfriend. Didn’t go on my first date until I was 29! No sex not cos I didn’t want it (involuntary celibacy was total hell) but because I was just so terrified of emotional intimacy with a guy.

I ended up falling hook line and sinker for a man at 29 but he wouldn’t commit, he had a terrible relationship with his mother and freaked out around intimacy too. We were very similar but this time I felt brave enough and we had a relationship. He announced to me he didn’t ever want marriage or kids after a year and then openly cheated on me. He would often withhold love and affection and be deliberately cruel (sound familiar?). I was broken at the end of that relationship.

Over the past four years I’ve been totally single. I have no idea how to get in a relationship with a decent guy. I’ve had counselling and I’m starting to feel in a much healthy place. I’ve had quite a bit of interest from a few guys recently but none of them have been right for me and have been in some way emotionally unavailable. The difference now is that I’ve had the courage not to be desperate and say yes to them. I’m holding out for a decent man but at 34 with no kids yet, I am losing hope that he will come in time.

I’ve no doubt these issues were due to how I learned to relate to men growing up. I’m normal in every other area.

Years ago I kept seeing a quote “You accept the love you think you deserve” and at the time I remember thinking “I mustn’t think I deserve any love because I’ve never had a relationship.”

Gosh this post seems really depressing but I don’t feel sad writing it, it’s more of acknowledgement of facts. I don’t blame anyone either, it’s just what it is.

I’m trying to stay open to the possibility that I will find someone. I have a full life and probably the best sort of single life possible but I know in my heart what’s missing is a loving romantic relationship and children of my own. I do feel I deserve love now but wish the mental transformation had taken place when I was in my early twenties and had more time. I feel like I’m just beginning my romantic life now.

If a boy ever tried to chat to me I assumed he was taking the piss.

Not my dad (never knew him) but my mother, and yes I'd say it has. I won't go into it but over the last few years I've realised it has.

It must have an impact. It just must. But likewise if a crap parent is in your life. Surely that must too?

Yeah feel free to start a thread on that

Same @paddock. I assumed it was a cruel joke and that he’d ask me out and then stand me up in a public space whilst he hid somewhere with his mates and laughed.

I want to give everyone on this thread a huge hug. It sucks missing out on good relationships because of Dads that couldn’t love us ☹️.

In my case I didn't realise how much his 'abandonment' had affected me until I met him again 32 years later. Having my own DC, a mother and stepfather who were uninterested in them and seeing DD's relationship with DH prompted that. Opened up a can of worms that lead to my whole family of origin cutting me off on my mother's instruction. Still working through that in addition to the father stuff.

My father didn't know where we had moved to (midnight flit) for years so not his fault entirely but the lack of interest in me as opposed to his step daughter, who he said would always come first , when we finally found each other again cut to the bone. Too much to cope with so I decided not to have a relationship with him.

I have no trust in anybody, no self esteem and have battled OCD since childhood. That started after my father left, anxiety due to being left with my crazy mother. I was constantly singled out for comparison to him too, and his mother, who was referred to as I was as a fat, ugly, stinking bitch. I blame my mother for my MH issues, much more than my father for obvious reasons. I was extremely attached to him as a young child. I can remember crying for him. He said he was very hands on with nappies, staying with me till I was asleep etc, I can't imagine how devastated the 7 year old me must have been for him just to disappear, can't imagine how affected my youngest DC, who's a similar age, would be if DH disappeared. Too awful to imagine actually.

I cut myself more slack these days, after many years of therapy, that I am totally normal in view of my background. Therapy was amazingly helpful to gain understanding which helps to manage the feelings but doesn't take them away.

I'm extremely jealous of people who have involved and loving fathers (or mothers), including DH and my own DCs!

I definitely have ‘abandonment issues’. I had counselling recently for other issues and she has suggested it may be worth returning at some point to work through those issues.

No, not really. They split when I was little, I know I saw him for a while after but I don't remember. I also didn't see my brother and sisters from his first marriage either until I grew up.

I met him again on my 21st birthday, we had a few meetups but never developed that bond. He passed away a few years ago, and it is sad, but I didn't have that oh my god moment, it was like finding out a barely known acquaintance had died, it did not affect my life in the slightest.

I never felt anger towards him, or longing. I had a dad, my step dad, raised me. He was the one who gave me cuddles when I got hurt, or if I was sad. He was the one who shared my happy moments. He was my dad and it is his loss I feel in my life.

I was lucky, my mum married an amazing man who chose us, he chose to love and raise me. I am actually glad he left, I had an awesome family.