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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off every time someone says my child is quiet

34 replies

laceygo · 14/10/2018 11:33

I KNOW HE IS !!! he's lovely, witty, has a few friends at school ... I just think other people are judging him all the time when they mention it to me ... AIBU ?

OP posts:
GreenLantern53 · 14/10/2018 11:35

I see quiet as a good thing. If they were saying he was loud you would think that was behative aswell? wish mine were more quiet Hmm

YeOldeTrout · 14/10/2018 11:36

Quiet ones may need more watching if they don't speak up about their needs. That's not worry, either, just awareness that he shouldn't be overlooked.

costacoffeecup · 14/10/2018 11:36

People have been saying I'm quiet all my life, it's really really annoying. I hope they won't say it about dd too (she is quiet when she's in company...) I actually think it's quite rude. I don't think people would say to my face 'you're quite loud aren't you?'

CatsMother66 · 14/10/2018 11:44

I had this growing up and it just made me self conscious about myself. I took it as if they thought it was a fault. Even with a quiet personality I became a Police Officer and it never caused me any problems. A colleague once described me as “quietly confident”. I now have a son with a quiet personality and if anyone comments I always add that he’s quietly confident. Turn it into a positive.

Stripybeachbag · 14/10/2018 11:48

We aren't allowed to use the word quiet in school reports as it's considered negative. I was often described as quiet and I never got the feeling it was used as a compliment. Hope you come up with some clever comment to let people know it's not a welcome observation.

Original poster
laceygo · 14/10/2018 11:48

@CatsMother66 that's good to know , and helpful , thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
laceygo · 14/10/2018 11:50

@Stripybeachbag yep every parents evening is the same , he's quiet is always mentioned first like it's more important than his actually academic ability Angry

OP posts:
Cookiemonsterdidit · 14/10/2018 11:58

We get this all the time with my lovely kind, considerate, clever 14 year old - often in front of him and always from judgemental older generation types with very poor social skills (rude). He has always been quiet and focused. He has lots of good friends at school and is a very content and happy teen. But that is the one thing they focus on. I find it very annoying too and wouldn't change anything about him.

RonaldMcDonald · 14/10/2018 11:58

Maybe on this occasion they are just being observational

(They are judging you, I am too, everyone is - at all times)
You need to look at your internal judgement over his being quiet

DunesOfSand · 14/10/2018 12:01

How old is he? This is the first year we havnt been told ours is quiet. He's 7.

mydogisthebest · 14/10/2018 12:03

I would be pissed off too. Most people don't say it meaning it as a compliment.

People said this a lot when I was young and then, as I got older, to my face. Up to maybe my 30's people said it.

I was pretty shy, very lacking in confidence and it didn't help at all. I hated most social occasions (still not keen) and I don't really drink so, yes, I was pretty quiet. I didn't need people to tell me though so I could then go scarlet too

NothingOnTellyAgain · 14/10/2018 12:05

Mine are fairly quiet.

My friends comment on it often and there is definitely subtext there.

Mummadeeze · 14/10/2018 12:05

I think sometimes quiet people make very extravert people feel uncomfortable because they can’t relate to them. Because they don’t think out loud, like extroverts, extroverts worry about what they are thinking and feeling because they would be expressing their thoughts in the same situation. I also think extroverts worry that introverts find them annoying and overbearing (which they may or may not do). It is quite hard for the two extreme types to gel and understand each other to be honest. This is what is causing the comments, I don’t know what the solution is though as many extroverts speak before they think and wouldn’t even realise they are offending you with this kind of comment.

Original poster
laceygo · 14/10/2018 12:18

@NothingOnTellyAgain totally get u with the subtext, that's what's making me so annoyed

OP posts:
TheStoic · 14/10/2018 12:20

My son gets that too. I just explain that he’s only quiet around people he doesn’t feel comfortable with.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 14/10/2018 12:22

laceygo if it's any consolation I have heard children (not mine as mine are "quiet") being described as "lively" and so forth which also has subtext!

The other thing is that people often say mine are "very well behaved" which also sounds good but the tone of voice is not positive, like they are missing out on something / boring etc. The parents of the "lively" children often say this Grin

NothingOnTellyAgain · 14/10/2018 12:22

TheStoic -

Excellent response!

Racecardriver · 14/10/2018 12:26

Surely that's a compliment? I would never say a child was noisey for obvious reasons but would happily (up until now) tell my friends how wonderfully quiet their children are.

VickieCherry · 14/10/2018 12:26

I've always been told I'm quiet. It's annoying, especially as normally I'm thinking 'god you're loud' but would never be so rude as to say so. I might though, one day.

I see it as a strength. I listen and observe, and am a very good judge of character.

Karid1496 · 14/10/2018 12:30

I feel your pain. I feel like I'm always making excuses for why my dd is quiet while feeling like every other child seems to be the most outgoing person. I agree with a pp, they may be quiet but they are still confident. Nothing wrong with our quiet children, they are fabulous just the way they are xxx

Noboozeforme · 14/10/2018 12:30

DS is the same - every single parents evening for years.

I just tell them he doesn't shut up at home.

Land0r · 14/10/2018 12:32

My DD2 is very quiet at school, but also very academic and sporty. They had to do a 2 minute presentation about themselves this week. She knows that 'being quiet' is usually seen as a negative so she turned it around and in her talk said she has excellent listening skills as she isn't always talking.

GreenLantern53 · 14/10/2018 12:32

Ive been told by my sons teacher that he is loud and shouts alot, ive also been told my kids never shut up. They are loud. its not meant as a compliment. so I dont get the “you wouldnt say a childs too loud”.

PrivateParkin · 14/10/2018 12:32

Your DS sounds lovely OP. I hate it when people comment on quietness too - it was said to me, and it is often said to/about my DS. I love the comment above, "you're very loud, aren't you?" Grin I might start saying that in response!

My DS may well be "quiet" in large groups, or where he doesn't know people very well etc. He just takes a while to warm up and I think that's fine. At home and with close family/friends he has plenty to say for himself!

But I think of him as being a good listener, polite, attentive, thoughtful, all of that, rather than quiet.

I do worry about him being sidelined a bit by others who are "louder"/more forthcoming but he is lovely and I wouldn't change a thing.

There is a great TEDx talk on introverts and how it's an undervalued trait - will try and find the link.

youarenotkiddingme · 14/10/2018 12:33

I get this from some teachers who say he's extremely quiet.

Others tell me he doesn't shut up.

Ds tells me it's because in some subjects he doesn't like his classmates and so keeps his head down and gets on with it. And in some classes he's with his mates and so catches up on his chatting 😂😂

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