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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to stop going to Church?

49 replies

rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 10:23

In my mid to late 40's now, and was raised a Christian (went to C of E school, and went to Church in my 20's and 30's and took my 2 kids, who went til they were ten or so - and then got a bit bored with it.)

Moved to where I live now some 4 to 4.5 years ago, (when I was in my early to mid 40's,) and started going to the Church.

As soon as I started going, I got asked time and again to go to various Church Groups, 'ladies group,' 'bible group,' 'house group,' and also mothers and toddlers group' and the 'little bears' group - an activity group for 5 to 10 year olds... (The last 2, I was asked to help with them, making stuff, and setting up, and clearing up after!) I did join in some of it, but with having a job, a home, and 2 kids still living at home, I found it a bit overwhelming.

I was also asked to go on the drinks rota, and Church cleaning rota, and the tea making rota, and the flower arranging rota. I was also asked to give lifts to people who couldn't make it without a car, and give people lifts to hospitals. And I was asked to go visit a young single mother with 3 kids, as she was 'around my age' and lonely (apparently!) The young mother had never been to Church, but I was asked to knock her door, tell her she had a friend in me, and to put the kettle on. One Church woman said she will give me her address. I left the Church quickly before she could. Who the heck wants random turning up to their house saying 'hey sad lonely cow, I will talk to you if you're a lonely saddo?!' Hmm

Upshot is, I have my faith, I have a relationship with Jesus, I pray, I do my OWN good deeds which I won't go into as it's a bit smug and narcissistic to blather on about your own good deeds, and I find a few people at Church very judgemental and rude (especially about gays and non believers,) very nosey, very pushy, and very demanding - trying to organise your spare time for you and tell you what to do!

In addition, the services are boring. And FWIW, I don't want to go to another Church. For a start, my closest one (apart from the one I go to now,) is 5 miles away, and I have been to many during my life, and they are all basically the same.

Maybe there are great 'fun' Churches where no-one is pushy, no-one expects you to do stuff (and just allows you to just pray and worship and sing hymns,) and the service is exciting and fun. I just don't seem to have any of these Churches within striking distance of me! And I am not going to travel many miles, on trains for a one hour service in a better Church.

And I know if people didn't 'help' with all the Church stuff/groups etc, it wouldn't be able to function (apparently,) but if I have to do all they expect, to enable me to go, then frankly, I would rather just stay at home and not go.

So AIBU to stop going?

OP posts:
PastaRedWine · 14/10/2018 10:29

God no (pun intended!) Stop going!! Yanbu

FWIW, I can relate entirely. Although I have been to some great fun non pressuring churches with interesting (and short) services, there aren't any near me either now, so I don't go anywhere!

I don't feel bad for my children. They get chapel at school. They'll get the opportunity for a fun church at university (FYI, the best churches are in nice university towns). They don't need to be bored to death on a weekly basis with a local parish church.

LoniceraJaponica · 14/10/2018 10:29

Not at all. Our local church is great, with a lovely, friendly, non judgemental congregation, but I just don't feel like going just now.

I still support fundraising activities etc, but don't feel like worshipping just now. One of the church wardens, who lives near me has said it doesn't matter and appreciates the help I provide when I can. (It's C of E BTW).

BitOutOfPractice · 14/10/2018 10:32

Yanbu at all.

As an aside, I wonder how many men are pressed into the cleaning rota, drinks rota etc. Not many I expect.

So, as well as irritating boring and onerous, you can add sexist to your reasons to stop going

RayRayBidet · 14/10/2018 10:36

I used to go (RC) and always wondered what I was missing. I didn't get anything out of it at all, I don't mean like a material gain, I mean spiritually I felt nothing.
People tried to get me involved in organising stuff which I didn't mind so much but it got too much, the priest was a sexist, pedantic arse.
I stopped going and haven't missed it for a second.

ShaftOfWit · 14/10/2018 10:38

My own thoughts exactly, BitOutOfPractice

flumpybear · 14/10/2018 10:43

I loathe organised religion who try to hoover up the young, weak and lonely - you sound spiritual and at peace with your thoughts, it's good to be a good person - no need to worship ...

Original poster
rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 10:47

Thanks folks, for your replies. I don't feel quite so bad now LOL! I think you can still be a good person/good Christian without all they expect. I don't know why they are so pushy. It's like they are desperate to hook you RIGHT into their little community. And if you just want to go pray and sing a hymn or two, they don't seem satisfied. I have been trying to give all the 'extras' they expect a very wide berth for about a year, and they STILL keep asking, and mithering, and badgering.

That's why I am thinking of just stopping it altogether. 4 or 5 other (women) I know stopped going, some one to two years back. (Probably for the same reasons!!!)

And oddly, no @BitOutOfPractice I don't ever see men being prodded and coerced into drinks rotas and cleaning duties, and 'helping with Church groups!' Hmm

I never thought about it before!

The vicar is nice enough, and there are a few nice people, but too many busy bodies, judgy pants people, and pushy people, trying to organise peoples lives.

I just dread the backlash when I stop going/when they realise I haven't been for weeks (I go about twice a month.) I will get a visit making sure I am OK, and seeing if they can help me..... Confused GROAN.... Sad

Sadly, a Church I went to some 10 years back (in the last town I lived in,) was the same. Pushy, judgy people, in-your-face, trying to suck you in, and organising your life for you... I moved towns, so was able to easily stop. I do wish now and again that I hadn't started going to this one. However, as I said, several other women have stopped, so maybe it won't be a massive issue if I do. (Hopefully!)

@flumpybear

I loathe organised religion who try to hoover up the young, weak and lonely - you sound spiritual and at peace with your thoughts, it's good to be a good person - no need to worship ...

Yeah this does tend to happen! (Picking on the vulnerable and lonely.) And thank you. I am fairly at peace and spiritual, and OK with my decision to stop going. Smile

As a pp said, I am no longer getting anything out of going to Church...

OP posts:
Liverpool23 · 14/10/2018 10:51

Sat here, waiting for church to begin! Perhaps you may just not have found the right church for you. I go to Hillsong church which is very lively and you have the option of joining all these groups you mention but you can say no (And honest if they make you feel bad about it that is an issue for them not you)
I have had periods of not being in church and my faith has remained the same so I don't think it is such a bad thing to 're evaluate every now and then but once you find the right church it is truly amazing.
Not sure what sort of churches you would love but if it's something more lively then Hillsong is expanding all over the country and my sister goes to a very lively group of churches in Manchester called Ivy. Xx

BitOutOfPractice · 14/10/2018 10:53

Well there you go then. Don’t go.

Liverpool23 · 14/10/2018 10:56

Just read your update. Really frustrates me, these judgey pants/ pushy people are not what church is about at all! It's really sad isn't it that people are getting pushed away for these reasons xx

Original poster
rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 10:56

Thanks @Liverpool23 and I am really happy for you that you have found a fab Church! Smile

As I said though, I have been to many in my life (about a dozen or more,) and they have all been the same. Sadly, I think that the fun, happy-go-lucky Churches where 100+ people attend, you can just go along and sing hymns, and worship and pray, and then go home (and are not harangued into joining in with everything!) are less common. Maybe they are more common in big towns/cities. There are none like that near me. I wish there were.

OP posts:
TheClaws · 14/10/2018 10:58

Who the heck wants random turning up to their house saying 'hey sad lonely cow, I will talk to you if you're a lonely saddo?!' hmm

I’m not sure it’s the right church for you anyway as this is not really a Christian, loving attitude, is it?

slkk · 14/10/2018 11:00

Yanbu but not all churches are like that. I think it really depends on the priest. Ours isn’t a ‘lively’ chipurch, it’s pretty traditional, but the priest is so lovely, accepting, caring, open and interesting. I always get something out of the sermons even on a philosophical level. And the Sunday school has managed to arrange things so my son with SEN can attend. So I get an hour of sitting quietly, listening to interesting things and doing some singing. We don’t go every week, but I do enjoy the peace and I love the priest. I wouldn’t go,if I didn’t get anything out of it, and you shouldn’t either.

AjasLipstick · 14/10/2018 11:07

Dear me no you're fine! God won't mind.

I visit random churches when they're empty if I feel like saying hello. Doesn't matter to me what denomination they are. I just go in and sit for a minute or two.

Haven't for a while but will do soon. I talk to God all the time in my own house or when I'm walking along the street.

Everyoneiswingingit · 14/10/2018 11:09

Spend that hour doing some good elsewhere and keep your own relationship with God.

Lovestonap · 14/10/2018 11:10

I hear where you're coming from. I will add in the defence of the various churches in my local areas when the kids were small, I was so grateful for them organising playgroups as somewhere I could go for a couple of hours. Most of the women running them didn't have young kids and were volunteering their time, and I appreciated it.

ForalltheSaints · 14/10/2018 11:11

You have been unfortunate as that is nothing like my experience.

Everyoneiswingingit · 14/10/2018 11:12

I fell out of the Catholic faith over the last 10 years having been raised that way. No longer wanted to be associated with a religion that excludes gay people. The final straw was when the priest complained that there had been copper coins in the collection the week before. He suggested that the congregation have a long hard think about their contribution. Never been back.

Original poster
rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 11:14

@Liverpool 23

Just read your update. Really frustrates me, these judgey pants/ pushy people are not what church is about at all! It's really sad isn't it that people are getting pushed away for these reasons xx

I know right. As I said though, 4 or 5 other women have stopped going since early 2017, so it can't be just me! Confused

Who the heck wants random turning up to their house saying 'hey sad lonely cow, I will talk to you if you're a lonely saddo?!'

@TheClaws

I’m not sure it’s the right church for you anyway as this is not really a Christian, loving attitude, is it?

No, no, no! I don't think this about the young single mother, but I am afraid SHE will think that I think she is a lonely saddo who needs friends, if I just turn up randomly, uninvited, to the house of someone I don't even know saying 'let me in, put the kettle on, you have a friend now!' It's patronising, and condescending. Most people would slam the door in your face if you did that. Plus, there was/is no evidence whatsoever that this young mother is lonely!

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 14/10/2018 11:15

I hear you, I do lots too (and it always seems to be the same ‘few’ doing stuff) and I slightly (in a very un Christian way😳) resent it a bit.

I’ve cut down now. No more mid week ladies prayer group, no more tea and coffee rota after morning service and no more always being the go to person for cakes whenever something is happening. It’s made a difference (and one of the older teens has now taken over the drinks rota quite happily.
I’d never give up going though, the pros for me far outweigh the cons.

Original poster
rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 11:17

Thanks maddie. Smile As I said, I appreciate all the responses, and I don't feel so bad now!

OP posts:
Enko · 14/10/2018 11:17

As a family we are involved with 3 churches in the area. I go to one more traditional church. A short distance from where we live. DS goes to another more family orientated in the town we live in and DD2 attends a church thats more " modern" in approach.

Not a single one of them have pushed any of the level you talk of OP. We may be invited to join stuff but asked to do anything is never directly . Asked by the vicar to sign up if you have time or if you might have additional to support.. They are never pushy but always helpful. 3 very different churches yet all 3 supportive and lovely in their own way. Not in any of them have any of us been asked to knock on the door of someone who has just moved into the area.

I am a irregular attendee Some months I go every Sunday others (like this one) I wont manage a single one due to sickness and work mixture. I am still welcomed when I show up with no question.

GladAllOver · 14/10/2018 11:17

Your faith and your relationship with God are the important issues. Your don't have to go to the church to maintain and develop them.

it's a pity that your local church doesn't suit your needs, they are not all like that.
In your place I would choose not to go except for Holy Communion.

Rudgie47 · 14/10/2018 11:22

Just drop out OP, that's too much for anyone unless they have absolutely nothing else going on in their lives.
My friend is a Quaker and she goes to the society of friends meeting house. They all sit there and do their own thing, and people talk if they want.
Maybe something like this might be more suitable for you? She wasn't get pressured into doing loads of groups etc.

BlueJava · 14/10/2018 11:23

Of course YANBU! If you don't want to go, then don't. It all sounds a bit full on anyway, be prepared to be chased up though - they don't losing active members easily ;)

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