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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to stop going to Church?

49 replies

rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 10:23

In my mid to late 40's now, and was raised a Christian (went to C of E school, and went to Church in my 20's and 30's and took my 2 kids, who went til they were ten or so - and then got a bit bored with it.)

Moved to where I live now some 4 to 4.5 years ago, (when I was in my early to mid 40's,) and started going to the Church.

As soon as I started going, I got asked time and again to go to various Church Groups, 'ladies group,' 'bible group,' 'house group,' and also mothers and toddlers group' and the 'little bears' group - an activity group for 5 to 10 year olds... (The last 2, I was asked to help with them, making stuff, and setting up, and clearing up after!) I did join in some of it, but with having a job, a home, and 2 kids still living at home, I found it a bit overwhelming.

I was also asked to go on the drinks rota, and Church cleaning rota, and the tea making rota, and the flower arranging rota. I was also asked to give lifts to people who couldn't make it without a car, and give people lifts to hospitals. And I was asked to go visit a young single mother with 3 kids, as she was 'around my age' and lonely (apparently!) The young mother had never been to Church, but I was asked to knock her door, tell her she had a friend in me, and to put the kettle on. One Church woman said she will give me her address. I left the Church quickly before she could. Who the heck wants random turning up to their house saying 'hey sad lonely cow, I will talk to you if you're a lonely saddo?!'

Upshot is, I have my faith, I have a relationship with Jesus, I pray, I do my OWN good deeds which I won't go into as it's a bit smug and narcissistic to blather on about your own good deeds, and I find a few people at Church very judgemental and rude (especially about gays and non believers,) very nosey, very pushy, and very demanding - trying to organise your spare time for you and tell you what to do!

In addition, the services are boring. And FWIW, I don't want to go to another Church. For a start, my closest one (apart from the one I go to now,) is 5 miles away, and I have been to many during my life, and they are all basically the same.

Maybe there are great 'fun' Churches where no-one is pushy, no-one expects you to do stuff (and just allows you to just pray and worship and sing hymns,) and the service is exciting and fun. I just don't seem to have any of these Churches within striking distance of me! And I am not going to travel many miles, on trains for a one hour service in a better Church.

And I know if people didn't 'help' with all the Church stuff/groups etc, it wouldn't be able to function (apparently,) but if I have to do all they expect, to enable me to go, then frankly, I would rather just stay at home and not go.

So AIBU to stop going?

OP posts:

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 14/10/2018 11:24

You want to go, have a service and go home.
Others want church to be a community where there are functions throughout the week and people are involved in each others lives.
Just because you want one and not the other doesn't mean you can be so sneery about it! Church can be a lifeline for many.
Of course you will get validation for your decision on here. You've decided all churches are the same so what other advice can people give?

Original poster

rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 11:34

@Enko

I am a irregular attendee Some months I go every Sunday others (like this one) I wont manage a single one due to sickness and work mixture. I am still welcomed when I show up with no question.

Oh I do get 'questioned' if I don't go for a month - like 'we haven't seen you for ages, I hope everything is OK,' and you can see the look on their face(s) that says 'explain yourself then.'

As I said to another poster, I am happy for them that they have found a great Church, and this kind of thing never happens, but I have not been so fortunate. In addition, having this experience (with other Churches too!) has put me off hunting out other Churches. (Including Quakers, sorry to the poster who suggested that.)

@Rudegie47

Just drop out OP, that's too much for anyone unless they have absolutely nothing else going on in their lives.

Exactly.

@BlueJava

Of course YANBU! If you don't want to go, then don't. It all sounds a bit full on anyway, be prepared to be chased up though - they don't losing active members easily ;)

True that!

@beesandfrogsandfleas

Point out exactly where I have been SNEERY!

You sound like one of the women who has put me off going to Church. I am entitled to stop going and to not like my own Church, and some of the people in it. And the fact that 4 or 5 OTHER women have left since last Spring, speaks volumes!

OP posts:

VictoriaBun · 14/10/2018 11:36

I have my relationship with his and have never felt the need to share it in a building that contains lots of people. Those said people then are willing to spend lots of time and money coming up with ideas to keep said building warm and full of flowers whilst worrying about the cost of a new roof !
Personally I feel closer to him whilst walking through a wood or on a hill, a true God creation.

Roo2012 · 14/10/2018 11:39

I hear you. Didn't go today because I couldn't face the forced joining in. But out church does do lot for the local community and further afield. I think because it's quite small there's a lot of pressure to be involved as there's so much to do. Like someone said up thread in a bigger chur h it might be easier to just go along and be there. But I'd have to drive a long way to do that.

Enko · 14/10/2018 11:42

@rainingagainandagain It would put me off going if I was questioned as for why I had not attended. I am welcomed invited to join in with the choir (I used to sing regular before I changed job) and still get emails about whats going on and if I say yes I can attend their answer is " great"

DS only attends irregularly too as he has a regular Sunday hobby (Rugby) However he gets very involved with their youth side of things that doesn't happen on a Sunday and they have no issue with him not attending the regular service. Say (as I asked once) your relationship with God is your individual journey no one else can have it for you.

DD2 has only started attending this other church this year but so far is happy to go as and when. Has been invited to attend their youth gatherings and regularly will leave the house at 9 50 to go to the 10 o clock service and not return until 2 having been fed and watered and had a great time with other youths in the area (She is almost 19)

MinaPaws · 14/10/2018 11:42

OP, I'm a Christian who doesn't go to church for similar reasons.

I did all of those things you were asked to do. I was run ragged but still very much looked down upon in the very overt church hierarchy because i was married to a non-believer and so didn't tithe, as I was a SAHM with no income at the time.

When I realised that going to church was putting me off God and killing the faith I had, I stopped attending. My faith has since grown back. I think organised religion can attract the worst Gileadian people. Mistrust anyone who thinks you can only come to God if you do it their way.

Original poster

rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 11:44

@Roo2012

I hear you. Didn't go today because I couldn't face the forced joining in. But our church does do lot for the local community and further afield. I think because it's quite small there's a lot of pressure to be involved as there's so much to do. Like someone said up thread in a bigger church it might be easier to just go along and be there. But I'd have to drive a long way to do that.

Yeah, this exactly. ^ I literally feel the same. As as I have said, 4 or 5 other women stopped going too, so I know it's not just me. I am just dreading the aftermath of pulling away, and stopping going.

TBH, I feel a massive sense of relief when I think about not going again. I still have my faith, but really, really do not want to go anymore.

My mind is made up. I won't be going again. Thanks to everyone for your support and understanding.

OP posts:

CwtchesAreTheBest · 14/10/2018 11:44

Why not just tell them how you feel!!!!! Explain that you feel pressured and it is putting you off coming.

MinaPaws · 14/10/2018 11:45

@Enko - your church sound ssane and lovely. What denomination is it?

Ours is one of those ghastly happy clappy modern quasi charismatic Low Anglican C types. The old style bells and smells High Anglican are much more laid back and tolerant.

Enko · 14/10/2018 11:46

@MinaPaws all 3 of them are bog standard Church of England. (and technically I am not I grew up in Denmark so a Lutheran Protestant)

Original poster

rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 11:46

Thanks for sharing your experience too @minapaws

Scary to know it's quite common though, people being put off the Church by bossy, controlling, manipulative people.

OP posts:

Original poster

rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 11:47

As I said, I wish I could find a Church like @Enko's ... There are none like that within easy reach for me. And I don't want a 2-3 hour round trip to get to one like this.

OP posts:

Original poster

rainingagainandagain · 14/10/2018 11:48

Hate to say this, but I need to go now, as I have to pop out at midday. Should be back this evening. Thanks to you all.

OP posts:

Enko · 14/10/2018 11:50

No a 2 hour journey is far (I do however do a 1 1/2 one about once a year to get to the Danish Church in London for a service)

MinaPaws · 14/10/2018 11:50

Same here raining. Nearest church that I'd classify as 'normal' is a 3 hour round trip away.

Roo2012 · 14/10/2018 11:55

I'm involved in leading services etc so leaving would be really difficult. And I do love learning and the vicar is good at being realistic and welcoming of all. But I wonder if it's guilt that keeps me there.

MinaPaws · 14/10/2018 12:04

Funnily enough, after having done about 10-20 hours voluntary work every week at church for five years, when I finally stopped going, no one called round to see if I was OK. I know other people who got intimidating crowds turning up to strongarm them into returning. But they didn't seem to notice I'd gone. I didn't tithe as I had no money, so presumably was a worthless little lamb of God all along.

TheClaws · 14/10/2018 12:06

Apologies for the misread OP!

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/10/2018 12:44

"Oh I do get 'questioned' if I don't go for a month - like 'we haven't seen you for ages, I hope everything is OK,' and you can see the look on their face(s) that says 'explain yourself then.' You may be reading things into this that aren't there. I run a group (nothing to do with religion) that meets fortnightly, and if someone doesn't turn up for a month or so, we do check on them and make sure they're OK, and it's nothing to do with "explain yourself then".

FrowningFlamingo · 14/10/2018 12:46

We often volunteer to help at the one off events at our church but always decline the rest - we work long hours and have unpredictable weekend schedules so won't commit to anything regularly.
I have to say that saying 'no' does seem to work quite well... maybe our bunch are less pushy though!
If I'm asked to do something that husband isn't I always direct them to him - I would agree with some PPs that they are often a bit sexist in their direction of questioning.

Rednaxela · 14/10/2018 12:54

YANBU.

It's infuriating how pressuring people can be. Then when you stop going send a few people round to faux concern ask how you are. Basically just waiting for you to stop talking so they can tell you what amazing stuff is planned for Sunday and why don't you come along

It makes me feel emotionally violated and took a long time to realise these people never saw me as a genuine friend, just some sort of notch on their spiritual belts?!

Also I invested hours serving and when I stopped no one asked me why or offered to spend time with me. Just pulled the plug!

So YANBU at all OP. Following Jesus and being part of a church are not the same thing at all.

RangeRider · 14/10/2018 13:05

Oh I do get 'questioned' if I don't go for a month - like 'we haven't seen you for ages, I hope everything is OK,' and you can see the look on their face(s) that says 'explain yourself then.'
Or maybe they are actually hoping that you're okay, are wondering if there's anything that they can do to help and are caring about you because you're part of that congregation.
Not all churches are like you seem to think yours is. Mine is great (Anglican) - welcoming but not pushy, involving if you want to be involved but not making you feel obliged, doing good things for the whole community (all ages), and people have been really supportive to me. More supportive about my autism than anyone else has been. Friendly so that I feel I'm part of something for once. I'm very glad I found my church because it's made a really positive difference in my life.

Thinkingofausername1 · 14/10/2018 13:27

Oh my you shouldn't feel the need to do anything. Sometimes people get so busy at church I often feel it's just a social club!

MyOtherProfile · 25/10/2018 07:49

Late to the party I know but interesting thread. I thought this was an excellent suggestion:
Why not just tell them how you feel!!!!! Explain that you feel pressured and it is putting you off coming.

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