How to plan a separated Christmas

[CheesendPickles]

Hi guys,

Basically my parents split up this year. It's not very amicable (my dad left). I understand both sides. Myself and my sister are grown up. I'm married with a toddler she's living with her partner. Usually we all celebrate together along with my widowed MIL. My sister sensibly enough is probably going to spend Christmas with her partners family.
I'm not sure how to plan Christmas this year. I don't want either my mother or father to be left out. My MIL has invited my family and my mum for Christmas but that means my dad will be on his own which I am very uncomfortable about. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want anyone to be left out or hurt.
AIBU to be very stressed about this?

If you went to your MIL's would your Dad go. I know you said its not very amicable but as it's a neutral space would they be okay or would it be too awkward?

Have you spoken to your Dad? Do you know if he will be on his own. Perhaps he has made plans, been invited somewhere else already.

How lovely and thoughtful you are! I think the first thing to say is make sure you get Xmas right for you, you DH and DC. Others can fall into place - so do what the 3 of you want together. The next bit would be easier to answer you had said distances involvored - if you are all close (in terms of miles) arrange to see your DM and DF separately. For example if you all get on well and it would work your DM to come for Xmas lunch, or DF to come for Boxing Day or the other way round. Or go to your MILs with your Mum if you are happy with that and get on well, invite your Dad for Boxing Day or Xmas Eve drinks. Whilst it is lovely you don't want to see one lonely, they have made the decision themselves as adults - and that can be hard but there are consequences of those decisions which they have to accept. Don't feel you always have to mop up the pieces as you have your DH and DC to think of.

I think that if your dad left, he will need to accept that Christmases being different will be one of the consequences of that. It sounds like your mum might need you more this year. I would arrange to do something with your dad on Boxing Day instead.

I think your sister ought to invite one parent and you the other. Ideally, you have your mum as she and your mil will be good company for each other.

Can your Dad not join your sister and her partners family

My MIL hasn't invited him. She has taken my mums side 🙄
My dad has no other family, well except in America. Pretty sure he hasn't been invited anywhere. He keeps asking me about my plans for Christmas like he is expecting me to invite him, not pushy but fairly obvious.

My sister has taken my mums side 100%
Her partner is a self righteous pr**k so no chance of my dad getting invited.
My MIL is suggesting we all go away to a hotel or Denmark to my DH extended family. I have shot down Denmark.
Other than that we all live within 5 minutes of each other.

If your Mum has been invited for dinner at your MILs could you have your Dad round for opening presents and brunch in the morning? Or could you host and invite them all telling them they have to be amicable for the sake of you and your toddler?

I would leave DF alone st Xmas whatever the circumstances...

Would NOT I meant!!!!

My mum could go with my sister but she hasn't been invited yet and his family are quite insular so not sure my mum would be comfortable even if an invitation was forthcoming....
Sorry I know I sound like I'm shooting down all the perfectly reasonable solutions. Christmas is usually a big affair in our family. The last few have been alternating between my parents and MILs with my parents. And usually it's a two day thing. Not just a lunch.

I might have to host. My house is a building site at the moment so I'm hoping it will be ready for Christmas!!!!! 🙈

Sorry but your parents are grown ups and should be able to sort themselves out.

Your mum has an invite and so do you

Look at the free time and invite your dad then.

Tea Christmas Eve, Christmas Day tea or dinner Boxing Day.

He walked - his loss

Your dad sounds lucky to have you looking out for him. Despite him leaving your mum that was between them and it sounds very much that he wants to continue spending time with you over Christmas. Hope you find a solution that works

My dad and I have always been bffs I'm just not comfortable with shafting him on Xmas day after him working all his life to provide for me. Not that my mum hasn't... but you know what I mean

How about doing a Scandinavian Christmas Eve Supper for your Dad and let him stay overnight and open presents etc on Christmas morning. Then you can go over to your MIL later?

This is how it works in my family.

Morning - 1230 me and DH at home
1300 - 1530/1600 lunch at DF
1630 - end of day at DM

So could you have lunch with DF whilst your DM has lunch with DMIL then you join them after? Then no-one is alone?

I just feel like Xmas is not a day for anybody to spend alone unless it's by choice. It upsets me whenever I think about people that don't have anybody at Christmas. Nevermind my own family!

Where will you be xmas morning? I think you should invite your dad over for breakfast and then go off to your mil's with your mum.

Why don't you just have a conversation with both your parents & tell them you're really unsure what to do & find out what expectations each has. You have a way forward then instead of trying to second guess everyone.

Agree 100% with flowerpot

@MulderitsmeX that sounds good. Except I can't really send my DM to MILs without me. Would be weird too.
I don't want to hurt either one of them. They may just need to suck it up and spend the day together. In saying that. I will go mad if they manage to ruin my day! My mum has a habit of picking my father apart. Then it all blows up. Not that he is 100% innocent either 😑

@Flowerpot2005 that's a good idea. I think I'll just have to do that. Rather than sitting here stressing. Thanks.

Sounds like either you'll have to host or split your day.
Could your dad stay at yours Xmas eve and have breakfast and present opening with you then you go to MIL and meet your mum there and your dad go home or see any friends who also aren't in a relationship?

Right, well just to sum up, your father left and he’s being a dick about the whole situation and nobody else wants him around at Christmas apart from you. But you want to ditch everybody else including your DM and partner’s family in favour of your DF? And you’re bothered about DF not having anyone at Xmas but you’re fine about ditching DM because she’s not behaved so badly the rest of the family don’t want anything to do with her so you think she can sort herself out.

I just feel like Xmas is not a day for anybody to spend alone unless it's by choice.

I think that’s a bit unfair on your Mum TBH. It sounds like you’re punishing her for not having alienated everybody around her.

Has it not occurred to you that this situation is somewhat of your fathers own making?

And are you absolutely sure the constant questions about Christmas is because he wants you to invite him and not because he’s looking for a chance to give you his excuses? I mean, are you sure there isn’t another woman around he would prefer to be with?