How to plan a separated Christmas

[CheesendPickles]

Hi guys,

Basically my parents split up this year. It's not very amicable (my dad left). I understand both sides. Myself and my sister are grown up. I'm married with a toddler she's living with her partner. Usually we all celebrate together along with my widowed MIL. My sister sensibly enough is probably going to spend Christmas with her partners family.
I'm not sure how to plan Christmas this year. I don't want either my mother or father to be left out. My MIL has invited my family and my mum for Christmas but that means my dad will be on his own which I am very uncomfortable about. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want anyone to be left out or hurt.
AIBU to be very stressed about this?

@Gingerrogered
You are way out on the whole situation. I don't really feel the need to get into it with you though. My dad left yes, I feel it's actually justified but I'm not about to hurt my mum by openly siding with my dad. As I said I can see both sides. Nobody really ever wins in these situations. I can't help feeling you are projecting here.
I have no intention of leaving my mum alone for Christmas but I don't see why I should leave my dad either. BTW I was on the phone to him while you left your comment. He doesn't have any plans for Christmas.

I’m not sure I agree with Gingerrogered’s assessment. Or rather I don’t read it as your DF alienated everyone around him. I read it as he left your DM (and as you describe her as picking him apart, presumably there’s fault with both of them) and inevitably people have sided with the one “left behind”. But that doesn’t mean DF is necessarily in the wrong, or deserves to be shunned.

@ cheesendPickles, you're very welcome. Hope it all works out 😊

Your mum could spend the day with your sister but you’d rather make it all a big drama and yourself a prize to be won.

@jay55 actually I'd be delighted if that happened and my mum was happy to go. My sister hasn't offered.... In fact last year when shit hit the fan she went away for Christmas and left me to deal with it. My dad hadn't actually left at that stage so I just had an uncomfortable Christmas foreseeing what was about to happen.
This isn't actually about me other than I want my son to have a good day. I would go away for Christmas but then both my parents would be on their own.
Please enlighten me, what would you do?

Yes, I think having a conversation with them is a good plan op. Sorry you’re having to deal with this. It’s no fun having to field your warring parents, even when you’re a grown up!

That last comment sounds like you are taking in too much responsibility for their issues.

She wasn't selfish to disengage. You can choose to.

@Stonebake thanks
Despite the impression I must have given. I don't actually want to be in this position. I just want to have a nice Christmas. At the same time I don't want anyone else to have a crappy one. I certainly don't want to cause drama and I don't want to be a prize 🙄
At the same time a feel an obligation to make sure my parents both have a nice day too. I didn't realise that it wasn't normal to feel that way.

If I were you, I’d host. Invite everyone. Make it known that they are all welcome as you don’t want anyone to be alone unless they choose to be. Ask for confirmation of who will be coming by the end of this month. They are all grown ups. They can get on with it or choose not to come. Then, sit back and relax (well, other than the preparations of hosting). You can’t do more than that.

@Ceilingrose
I never said she was selfish. I actually admire her ability to disengage.
However my parents have both done a lot for me over the years. I certainly wouldn't be where I am today without them. I'm pretty sure I can sacrifice a little hassle on Christmas Day to accommodate them both as best I can.

@Glossymare this is what I'm thinking, hopefully my house will be in a fit state by then. They will all just have to make do if it isn't 😂
I've never hosted Christmas before, makes me feel like a real adult 😅

Embrace the chaos

I'm sorry you're in this situation. DH and I both have divorced parents and unfortunately someone being left out is part and parcel of Christmas with seperated parents. The worst Christmas was the year we had 3 of the 4 together (my dad was married and had his own plans). FIL and MIL were so uncomfortable, my mum kept trying to protect MIL so didn't feel she could relax either. Now they are all too frail to travel so someone is definitely left out. It sucks, but honestly the best thing is to focus on having an enjoyable time with all of them separately. I would split the day if you can.