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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask how you knew your marriage was over

31 replies

myheadisupmyass · 13/10/2018 22:32

NC'd
I think We may be close to the end of the road with our marriage.
How did you know it was over for you?
I don't get any joy with him anymore
I don't recognise myself
He has emotionally abused me in the past, but I'm only realising now what it was.
He's an ok dad... he provides for and loves the kids. But doesn't invest much time in them and doesn't have a lot of patience for them.
I suspect he is an alcoholic but he denies this.
I don't know how I feel but I know it's not good. Any advice??

OP posts:
NJ394 · 13/10/2018 22:39

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel I am in exactly the same position but we are currently living apart to see if we can work it out. I'm starting to think it's over but can't seem to make the break.

nokissingonthelips · 13/10/2018 22:44

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
myheadisupmyass · 13/10/2018 22:45

It's horrible isn't it?? Thanks for you.
I feel like I love him, we've been married for 10 years and together for 20, but something just feels so wrong.
I'm so sad and feel so much hurt. I need more out of life.. it's too short!

OP posts:
GirlsBlouse17 · 13/10/2018 22:46

Am sorry to hear about your situation OP. It sounds as if your mind is made up already really and I wouldn't blame you for sending things from some of the things you said. Before doing anything, get legal advice though. I wish you all the best.

MrsTommyBanks · 13/10/2018 22:47

He hit me once to often and I couldn't stand the sound of him breathing.
It was the breathing thing that nailed it though.

Original poster
myheadisupmyass · 13/10/2018 22:47

@nokissingonthelips if anything happened to him I would drop everything to care for him. I love and care for him deeply but I'm so unhappy

OP posts:
Original poster
myheadisupmyass · 13/10/2018 22:48

Thanks for listening

OP posts:
MrsTommyBanks · 13/10/2018 22:49

I need more out of life.. it's too short!
End it. Its hard but you will actually enjoy life Flowers
Hope you find a way to be happy.

0rlaith · 13/10/2018 22:49

I was relieved when he went away for work. Somehow I felt lighter.

And this was this mild sense of dread when he was due to come home. Like the last few days of the holidays when you know all the fun and relaxation is about to end soon.

PoptartPoptart · 13/10/2018 22:51

When the thought of having sex with him turned my stomach. When I started feeling attracted to other men. That’s when I knew my marriage was over.

Original poster
myheadisupmyass · 13/10/2018 22:51

@MrsTommyBanks thank you
@0rlaith that is how I feel when he comes home from work at night. I never look forward to seeing him.

OP posts:
nokissingonthelips · 13/10/2018 22:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FishesThatFly · 13/10/2018 22:52

When l found text message from OW l knew it was over...... and l didn't really care

therewillbetime · 13/10/2018 22:55

There were quite a few things actually:
He talked quite specifically about what we could do when we retired (I was 30) and I shuddered inwardly at the thought of it.
He annoyed me when he was eating (!)
We had sex and I remember thinking in my mind that that was the last time we would ever do it because I just basically didn't fancy him at all anymore.
I would time it so I would get home from work just after he had left for his night shifts.
Any talk of anything (even in the near future) made me feel sick.

barnburntdown · 13/10/2018 22:56

Yep - when I dreaded him coming in the door - heartsink at the thought of a weekend. When resentment eroded. When every thing he said irritated me. When I realised he would not change . I couldn't stand to be in bed with him . When my head was turned . There is not a day that hoes by when I am not grateful I left.

Athena51 · 13/10/2018 23:02

Well my marriage was a horrible, emotionally abusive shitshow but I knew it was finally over when he accidentally sent an 'I love you darling' text to me instead of OW (I was in the same room at the time!) and all I felt was relief that someone else could put up with his controlling ways.

Years on I am very happy with lovely, kind, supportive, non-controlling DP.

It's was tough to get through but it's worth it to be free and happy. I still sometimes have nightmares in which I'm still married to him though ...

PortiaCastis · 13/10/2018 23:04

The night the dv got too much and I grabbed dd and ran

JanisJoplin73 · 13/10/2018 23:09

When I was in real pain and unable to care for young children and he left me to cope whilst he saw a friend.

IAmBeyonceAlways · 13/10/2018 23:23

We had separated and the thought of him coming back made me internally shake like nothing I had felt before. The relief when he said he had slept with someone else was incredible

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 13/10/2018 23:28

When I found out about the other woman; I spent 6 futile weeks trying to save our relationship ( rather misguidedly trying to keep our family together for 5yo DS.) Ex would not stop seeing other woman so I told him to pack his bags

QuentinWinters · 13/10/2018 23:32

When I realised that his main priority was keeping his life nice for himself, regardless of the negative impact on me or his family.
I tried so hard to keep the marriage together but ultimately if only one person will make the effort it's never going to work, the day I realised he wasn't interested in helping fix things was the day it was done.

I recommend therapy for you, it was only through therapy I started to realise what was happening and how much denial I was in Flowers

mushlett · 13/10/2018 23:36

Hopefully tonight, I feel really pathetic because I know I deserve better than this.
I hope you are ok and get the happy life you deserve x

TittyFahLaEtcetera · 13/10/2018 23:40

When it didn't matter what I did, it would still be wrong to him.
When I realised I felt glad on the nights he slept on the sofa.
When I stopped enjoying sex with him and was only doing it to shut up his moaning.
When I didn't want him to touch me.
When he threatened to kill me.
When I realised he'd been emotionally abusive for years, but only got physical when I stopped reacting to his abuse.
When I felt terrible for wishing he died in a car accident because it would be better to be a widow than divorced, and I'd never have to tell our DS why I left. (He is very much alive still, but I have no idea where.)

Still so glad to be free of him. Its been almost a decade.

Pigletsrumpel · 13/10/2018 23:43

I’ve been there, my oh grabbed me by the throat just before our 1st Anniversary and unbelievably I stayed with him for the next 33 years. It wasn’t all bad, most of the time he was a nice decent bloke, but boy it was different if he’d had a bad day. My ds’s were nervous around him but dd could wrap him round her little finger. I left taking the kids with me after 11 years of mental abuse, we then got back together a couple of years later on the understanding it was on my terms and any repeat of his previous behaviour he’d be out. Sadly he got cancer and had to be cared for 24/7 which was when he apologised for what he’d put me through, he continued to say sorry until the last few days of his life. Don’t let that happen to you, living with regret is worse.

Original poster
myheadisupmyass · 14/10/2018 00:17

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. You are all so fucking strong. I've got an awful lot of thinking to do. I'm not sure what my next steps are. I won't leave this marriage lightly but I can't keep on like this.
You have all been amazing. Thank you from the bottom my heart

OP posts:
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