supporting adult DD ( long term Mental health)

[atmywitsendrightnow]

I don't really know where to start

My 29 yo DD has clinical depression and anxiety. She is vulnerable and unwell and lives alone, She is far from street wise IYSWIM and is generally a lovely generous person - those are the facts

She takes a lot of assistance. If we didnt assist her to appointments for example, they wouldn't happen, and then she would get dropped from the long awaited help. Me and her Dad funded private treatment for as long as finances would allow, however money dried up and she is now with the NHS treatment programme

This has been going on for over ten years.

It is not the physical support which I struggle with..it is that can be quite rude to me in general at times, (which is not her personality at all) and cut of contact for days on end (which is when she is at her lowest) - which given her history, is worrying. ..and I myself and left in absolute turmoil wandering and worrying if she is OK. I know depression makes people focus on themselves, but this constant turmoil has got me on anxiety tablets and her dad on blood pressure tablets - none of that she knows BTW, but its an indicator of how her illness effects us

We have been down the road of me or her Dad, just turning up at her house, during these periods and it seems to trigger her further and I will get accused of making things worse - but it is done with best intentions, ensuring she is OK. These kind of- as she would call them - 'enforced' interactions never end well - and the last thing I want to do is make things worse if that is what i am untentionally doing

Thing is, all the mental health stuff you read, is when someone cuts people off, that is when they need help the most, but in the case of my daughter she literally gets furious if she is disturbed at this time

I work 60 plus hours a week and suffer from anxiety myself. Feel like I have no life other than working and worrying myself fucking stupid. We have got into debt by bailing DD out of various financial scrapes which seems to be common with mental health issues

I just feel like nothing I ever do makes the slightest difference and I spend half my lfe running ragged and when I see nasty posts aimed at me on social media, it is the last straw

I dont know what i want here, is anyone else in a similar situation?

BTW we are not planning to walk away from her or her situation, but what can we do to make things any easier other than this constant turmoil?

Any ideas welcome please x

I have been in a similar situation. Some posters have suggested that you are being too controlling but the stakes are high and you are driven by anxiety about her. Also she is giving confusing messages, she wants space but then she wants support. I know she isn't an addict but I think reading all anon literature might help you. Recognizing that you are powerless over her illness may bring some relief. You can give support but all the worry in the world won't prevent her from harming herself. Let her know you love her and will help but build your own life and look after yourself. Ignore the nasty stuff on Twitter try not to take it personally, it sounds like she is confused, she wants to be independent of you but is frustrated because she also needs your help.

Btw I don't mean to sound harsh but honestly you are a great mum and you are right you can't go on the same.

do you think she may take drugs

Yes, I know she does - it is not something she keeps quiet. She smokes the whakky baccy. It is a coping mechanism I believe. Not something I am overly happy about, but I know it takes the edge off at times. She doesn't do ''hard drugs'' (any more but has experimented in uni days)

I guess its the same as the fact I drink wine, in order to relax.

In these scenarios you have to try to remember that the illness can control the narrative. She is using Twitter as a communication source with probably very little else to talk about so you have become her focus and the same can be said about you. You do need to step back because this is going is becoming a constant circle with the question “is she self harming because she is low or is she self harming to control your involvement?”

That's really terrible. Awful. You are bearing all the responsibility and she is slagging you off. Her friends must be idiots.

I'm going to PM you.

I would stop looking at Twitter, perhaps get your husband to check it twice a day to reassure you that she’s ok.

You sound an absolutely lovely mother, I hope things improve for you all.

MarcieBluebell, you make some interesting points. Maybe we are codependant. I dont want to NOT find my identity again though IYSWIM. I never planned this period of my life to be like this - kind of feel trapped

The only thing I don't consider to be a possibility (for much of the time) is this doing her own shopping would be a reason to go out - she just wouldn't. If I dont help with this stuff, it goes unpurchased and she goes without. She doesnt really care about 'self care'. Most times I go round, If i havent stepped in, the cupboards are bare. Shes drinking water. Going out is a massive issue for her. The only time she will consider stepping in a supermarket is if i am there, and only if she is in the right mood -doesn't owe all her benefits to her ganga dealer-

In these scenarios you have to try to remember that the illness can control the narrative. She is using Twitter as a communication source with probably very little else to talk about so you have become her focus and the same can be said about you. You do need to step back because this is going is becoming a constant circle with the question “is she self harming because she is low or is she self harming to control your involvement?

I know the illness can control the narrative, I have lived this for a decade, well longer , as neither of us realised the issue for a long time...so the twitter thing, although i realise it is not great, i wont even mention it to her

Do people really think I am responsible for her self harming - is this possible? :(

Im struggling to even understand this as last time she seriously SH we hadnt spoken for four days...so how has this to do with me, please explain that POV as i am interested - and if i am contributing, i will stop that immediately

I feel just awful now literally in tears thinking instead of helping im making things worse - but is this a reality

Dont worry im not looking for sympathy i do think if i am making it worse in some way i need to know

You are not making things worse, you are doing your best to help. You have my sympathy. Supporting a mentally unwell adult child has been the most difficult thing in my life. Alcohol wasn't the issue but I found the Al anon programme very helpful.

I think the thing is that no matter what you do, she will do the same thing. You can't blame yourself. You're not causing the problem and you can't save her. That is a really, really hard lesson but it's important you see it. She is who she is.

But - it's your life, too. You are important. This is your only life. And you need to protect yourself, OP.

Hi Op, I'm also a service user with a long history of MH problems. I've come into contact with many other service users and have observed recovery and relapse many times. The people who recover are the ones who take responsibility for themselves, which is something your dd doesn't have. I understand why you do what you do for her, I have young dc myself, but it is doing her no favours. Your dd has no incentive to recover as she knows that you and her df will always swoop in to patch things up. She knows you'll always fix her mistakes. Getting better is actually really daunting and frightening because it is such hard work to change ingrained thought processes and behaviours. It's much easier to stay ill, even though it is utterly miserable.

A huge incentive to live well is to feel skillful at something, in control, or a sense of achievement. Currently your dd is behaving in a helpless manner, having you sort her appointments and doing her shopping, which is terrible for her self esteem.

If you take a step back she will probably take a while to adjust, which may be distressing for you, but the alternative is to carry on as you all are indefinitely.

Pp's have given really good explanations re. self harm. Try to accept that it isn't necessarily a disaster if she does self harm and resist the urges to phone her too frequently or call round.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, it must be horrific. Giving your dd some space is essential for any recovery. Carrying on as you are will just prolong the current situation.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but your dd sounds a bit like she is manipulating you.

Basically I support my dd financially because she's a student and therefore if she wasn't unwell this is what we'd have to do. She is the same with money as your dd. Money is gone the same day so we now pay money in twice a week. If she says she's run out of food we say ok you will have to have less money and supermarket deliveries instead! We've had to be tough and I find it hard to say no.
Once uni is over we have said we may assist financially in relation to trying to get a job but nothing else. Obviously if she's too Ill to work then we will reconsider but we are taking a tough stance now.

We pay for her phone and she has blocked me once but we said we would stop paying if she didn't unblock me! Actually messenger is our main means of communication as we both find it stressful to talk in person!

This all sounds very hard for you. I totally get it...My dd got ill 5 years ago and it's only been this year that I haven't just handed over cash immediately when asked!! It's hard when you can afford to give them money and have seen them suffer so much when unwell but I feel better in myself now I'm being tougher and there have been no major repercussions from it so far!

Weirdpenguin - I honestly feel like I am giving this all I have got the the point of breaking .. but I am not sure if I am approaching this the wrong way as what I am doing now, clearly isnt working x

HollowTalk This is not the first time I hve been told this. I meet with a mental health charity worker from time to time who says this to me. I am run ragged. I feel I have no life. It cant seem to set in though as I feel canot possibly be happy if she isnt. I mean how can i enjoy a holiday....or even, a meal out...knowing she has barely any food? My relationship with OH is struggling as he does see things differently to me

madyogafan this is something else the mental health charity worker said to me, that DD has the capacity to manipulate. I dont like to think this, i guess we want to see the best in our kids, but it is entirely possible (her dad , my OH thinks this is the case)

. My DD spends a lot on smoking her whakky baccy then she will only tell me she is running out of food if i enqure, she wont ask. Or it will be if i visit and check her cupboard when she is not looking (sneaky I know but there is welfare at stake here) I do a supermarket delivery and its basic stuff, meals and no treats...at least i know she has the abilty to feed herself, she is a pretty good cook to be fair. If i dont think she has got food , i literally cannot eat. im 6 stone now, i was 11 stone about two years ago, ths is how bad it effects me

You don't sound very well op.

It's no good if you are unwell too. I also feel the need to control though and have tried hard to do so. I think it's because mental illness is uncontrollable so you try to control the things you can.

My fear now is that my dd won't finish her last year but ultimately it's down to her.

I became very ill too and lost weight...nowhere near as much as you though. I had to go on antidepressants for 3 years. It was only going on.meds which helped me to see things clearly. I had never needed them in my life before. My marriage nearly broke down at the time because of all this.

I'm not on them now. Things are still tough but I'm doing the things I want to with my life and helping my daughter with what she wants me to help with . I am trying not to interfere otherwise and also trying to establish boundaries. Dh and me argue a lot because he likes an easy life and it's easier to hand over money than say no but we are slowly coming to a joint agreement.

I feel selfish but I have given a lot up to now emotionally and financially and I have taken the decision rightly or wrongly that what im doing now is the right thing to do.
I tried therapy which wasn't that helpful but one thing the therapist said was that my dd needed to find her own level(without my pushing or help) whatever that may be.

At the time I never thought she'd end up at uni so her level was better than I imagined.

Does your dd have a support worker? If not could you say she needs one.

My dd had one when she came out of hospital and seemed to take more notice of them than me. I used to tell them if I had concerns.

Another thing I've done is write to my daughter's gp with my worries about her. At least that way I feel I've done something without getting directly involved. I suppose it's easier for me because my dd isn't close by any more!

These are just ideas...might not be appropriate in your situation though

for you. I think this sounds almost impossible. You are amazing. But you are right, this isn't working.

My dh took his own life earlier this year after a lifetime of illness. I was in the house. He'd seen mental health professionals the same day. My guilt is huge but i was not the one who did it. There is nobody at all who can prevent your dd self harming except herself.

Your life is falling apart. It sounds to me as if you are the one at risk of self harm. In fact anyone who has lost that much weight is self harming. Never mind your dd's cupboards, when did you last sit down for a really relaxed big meal with your oh and enjoy every mouthful? When did you talk to each other without mentioning your dd?

Consider seeing your gp and/or making a plan to improve your own mental health. I agree with Al-Anon. Things that have helped me both with coping with caring for my dh and his death are EXERCISE a million times (walking in beautiful places especially), comedy films, seeing friends, music poetry and art.

If it helps, think about the illness manipulating you, not your dd.

OP some really good suggestions have been made on here.
sadly your daughter is 29 (although i understand she is not as mature as her chronological age). after all the years of help and support you have given her you need to step away for your own sanity.
although you are on one level coping, part of the way you are coping is by being too involved.
do you have access to a mental health clinician who can help you set up boundaries?

where i live you can self refer to a community mental health nurse who can discuss idea's with you.

I mean how can i enjoy a holiday....or even, a meal out...knowing she has barely any food? My relationship with OH is struggling as he does see things differently to me

You say she can go to the supermarket if she doesn't owe a drug dealer. If she can get drugs, she can get food. In my low points I online shop. There are ways around it for her.

You CAN enjoy a holiday op. You have to be her inspiration that life can get better. That there are ways beyond self punishment and sabatage.

Please don't take on her pain. It will not lessen hers.

Even before you mentioned drugs, so just in relation to self harm it is like you are dealing with an addict. Self harm both physically and emotionally is addictive recovery has to come from her engaging.

In the same way don't become addicted in your own sense of dispair. Cycles of behaviours are really hard to break but I'd put your relationship first. Could you go away just for a weekend? I think a routine of phone calls could help with your dd. At the moment your on high alert all the time. There needs to be a scheduled time for support that suits you and the rest is your time.

Could you and dh start by having a movie night with popcorn and a nice home cooked dinner?

Sorry about poor punctuation!

Has she ever been assessed for Aspergers?

madyogafan a lot of similarities there. Seriously so many of the things you are written, i could have wrote x

I can understand OPs feeling of worry. It is really hard to see our DCs as adults when they are behaving like tantruming toddlers. One minute you are called out at all hours of the day and night the next minute you are cut out. I know that will be put down to the illness but OP/mum is a human being and should be treated kindly.
The tweets about how interfering the mum is and the back up from others is very cruel especially about a woman who is going all out to try to help her daughter. All the stuff about the Tweeters not doing as much as the mum are very true. The DD seems all take and no give and a total lack of consideration for the parents.
The illness is one thing, the drug taking is quite another, that is a choice in my opinion Did she get depression because of taking drugs at University? In her better times the DD should be grateful to have parents who are so caring

It's important to remember that ultimately your daughter is responsible for her own safety. It's a difficult truth, but if someone wants to self harm or end their life they will find a way to do this, even in a mh hospital. Tightening around her does not guarantee her safety, but it does give you reassurance. It does sound like your daughter is aware of this, which gives her a bit of power.

I would strongly suggest you ask her mh team for a carer's assessment. You're doing alot and this should be acknowledged and articulated. There will be local mh carer's groups you may find helpful, they can be hugely supportive places and you will other parents wrestling with similar anxieties.

I'd also suggest you approach your gp for counselling. There's alot going on here and some of it needs talking about with and reflecting on with someone outside the situation. You do seem to be (understandably) extremely vigilent and perhaps a tad rumimative about her safety. I think you need support in building some safe boundaries and coping skills for your own mh.

Good luck. It can get better.

Annandale I am so very sorry for what happened to you. Thank you for your kind words