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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel AWFUL but to also think I am not unreasonable

42 replies

Oopupsideyourhead · 13/10/2018 19:38

DS was playing out with one of the neighbours recently. He invited said kid for a sleepover tonight but didn’t ask me & kid went to ask his parents.
I said no but kid could come next sat as I needed some notice. DS didn’t listen to me at all & it ended up in a row with me saying NO to him a few times - I feel like he put me on the spot and I didn’t want to host a child tonight.

While I was telling him NO and saying he has to ask me before inviting people (he’s 10) the kid was outside & heard me.

Now I feel AWFUL as it’s not that he’s unwelcome- just that DS didn’t ask me, said yes, didn’t listen to my reasons why not etc.

I don’t want his friend to feel unwelcome at all- I was just cross with my son for not bothering to ask me or respect my saying no- he kicked up a massive fuss.

I texted kids Parent to say he could come but he said kid isn’t feeling well now and doesn’t want to come and I now feel really guilty.

God- aibu?

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 13/10/2018 19:42

No, YANBU. Your child needs to understand that he absolutely has to ask first rather than assume.

Tomatoesrock · 13/10/2018 19:43

No yanbu. It will teach him to ask first. The other child will be fine.

minisoksmakehardwork · 13/10/2018 19:46

Yanbu. I'm sure I had the same conversation with my parents and I know I've already had the lack of warning about a friend staying for tea from my 10 year old.

Your only mistake was texting the parent to offer the sleepover tonight. I'd have sent one saying really sorry and hope friend wasn't upset but dc put you on the spot and next week would be better. The parent will likely be glad to know why their child was suddenly feeling off it and would be grateful that it wasn't them being out in that position.

Original poster
Oopupsideyourhead · 13/10/2018 19:47

I’m not wildly keen on sleepovers at the best of times but I hate stuff being surprised on me even more

OP posts:
Original poster
Oopupsideyourhead · 13/10/2018 19:49

I tried to say exactly that @mini but couldn’t find the words so just said he’s welcome any time!

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 13/10/2018 19:50

You did the right thing. Your DS will have learned to ask first. His friend will have learned to suggest friend's check first in future. All good.

SuchAToDo · 13/10/2018 19:53

Op yabu, next time you see his friend say to him he is welcome and that your only issue was your son said yes without getting your permission and that you had things to do and was too busy to host a sleepover...it will reassure the poor child that he is welcomeGrin

Givemeallyourcucumber · 13/10/2018 19:53

Hi, don't worry too much. Your DS and his friend will understand after their disappointment wears off!

Just text the mum now saying "Sorry to hear X is feeling ill. Would he like to come next Saturday instead? DS is very excited to have him over"

WheelOfMisfortune · 13/10/2018 19:53

Similar thing happened to me when I was a kid! I was mortified when I heard the mum say no but I immediately thought that my friend should have asked first, I was embarrassed we hadn’t asked not that she said no. I totally didn’t take it personally, just was so worried the mum was cross we didn’t ask.

Original poster
Oopupsideyourhead · 13/10/2018 19:58

I feel a bit mortified to be honest!’

OP posts:
thisneverendingsummer · 13/10/2018 20:17

Probably the other kids parents idea to be honest.

Some parents love to offload their kids onto other parents.

Good for you for not giving in!

sophisticatedsarcasm · 13/10/2018 20:25

I hate when kids put you on the spot like that. It’s like they think if they just go ahead and do it then it’s too late to say no. My dd does this sort of thing with her best friend.

mcmooberry · 13/10/2018 20:33

My son does this week in week out after school, asks in front of a friend and the friend's mother if the friend can come to ours for his tea and it drives me mad! It goes on in spite of all the times I have said don't do it and it is even more annoying that he gets into a temper about it when I say no (mostly I say yes the friend is no bother really). So no, YANBU and I totally sympathise with how pissed off you were to have this sprung upon you. The boy will be fine, he no doubt knew he was chancing his arm not asking you first.

Italiangreyhound · 14/10/2018 00:13

YADNBU. Your son needs to know he cannot just invite people.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2018 00:22

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You need to lay down the law with your child. They are NEVER to invite someone over without your permission, and for children that age, the friend's parents should have wanted to check with you first before bringing them over. They just wanted to pawn off their child for the night.

AjasLipstick · 14/10/2018 00:45

I have this ALL the time OP. Don't worry! My DD will ask me in front of the other parents at school pick up...the other parent's faces light up at the thought of getting a break and I'm all "No! Not tonight...need more warning thank you!"

Get tough and look after yourself and your own wellbeing.

5foot5 · 14/10/2018 00:51

YANBU at all. I remember as a child asking my mum if my friend could stay for tea while friend was standing next to me. Mum said no not that night (presumably she knew there wasn't enough to accommodate an extra person.) Later I was given a very stiff talking to about NEVER asking for friends to stay in their hearing.

For the record, I was allowed friends over to stay but I learnt I was not to offer random invitations without discreetly checking first.

springydaff · 14/10/2018 01:19

YWDNBU but try and find the kid and have a word. I think things like this do cut deep (ie being outside the door and hearing it) bcs kids can take things very personally.

So clear it with the kid that he's very welcome - next week! That you had it jumped on you, ds didn't check first before asking, and you were having to be firm with ds. Nothing to do with the kid.

AutumnEvenings · 14/10/2018 01:31

At school my DS had a good friend who was from a single mother family. It was a regular occurrence for me to arrive at school after a few hours sleep (I worked night duty) to find that the friend had been invited to come and stay at our house for the afternoon/evening and have his tea with us. I was always easy going about this sort of thing. Coming from an Irish background I told my children that friends were generally welcome and that offering food to guests, showing generosity of spirit was a good thing.

The boy's mother had childcare arrangements in place which meant the boy should walk to his GMs flat and stay there until his DM collected him. It was boring for him and he clearly enjoyed being with other children. We had many neighbours with children the same age and they all played together after school, went to the park together, not hard to see why an only child would like to be involved in this.

At first I would give him a lift back to his own house in the evening.
After a while, his mother often wasn't there and as we could not just abandon him, the boy would have to stay at ours.

In my Irish background, kindness would generally have been reciprocated. It is hard to back pedal when you have been over generous and taken for a ride.

Bebopaloola · 14/10/2018 01:55

You were nbu but you should really send an honest text tomorrow. Otherwise the kids will have told his parents that you didn't want him. Honesty is the best policy here, you'd be mad to stay silent and hope for the best, they won't forget this.

Original poster
Oopupsideyourhead · 14/10/2018 09:52

I sent a text saying he was welcome anytime but will speak to them when I see them- still feeling mortified about it!!

OP posts:
springydaff · 14/10/2018 10:05

Yes see them/him soon so you can very clearly explain to him what happened xx

CinnaMessala · 14/10/2018 10:10

Their child probably told them what you said and then they received your “welcome anytime” text and thought you were a bit two-faced and didn’t want him there. I wouldn’t send my kid to yours, even if he still wanted to go. Which he probably doesn’t now. I think you need to have your son apologise to his friend and explain the rule in your house is that you have to get parent permission for a sleep over before you ask your friends.

Original poster
Oopupsideyourhead · 14/10/2018 10:14

@cinna thanks for making me feel even more shit than I already was about the whole thing

OP posts:
LegalEagle99 · 14/10/2018 10:17

You handled that as best you could at the time. Depending on how well you know the other parents, may be worth dropping a text or even popping over and just stating why you said no and that you never intended to make their DC feel unwelcome. If they're decent people they'll completely understand.

I hope your DC understands your feelings for future reference.