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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell ex about parents' evening?

48 replies

theduchessstill · 13/10/2018 19:36

We've been apart 4 years and the dc spend 3 nights per fortnight with him. Until now I have filled in all parents' evening forms, liaising with ex about which times he can do. Last year he forgot the date after I'd told him the time we'd got and didn't attend, then sent me a shitty message because I should have reminded him apparently. Another time he didn't reply when I texted him the time we had been assigned so I wasn't sure whether he was coming. On the night the teacher was ready slightly early so asked if we could start. I said yes and then he stomped in a few minutes later muttering he 'had been told X time,' and glaring at me, which was embarrassing.

He thinks it's clever to seldom reply to my texts, which can be infuriating, and causes problems when arranging pick ups for the dc. I sometimes have to ask the dc to confirm stuff with him and let me know, which I don't think is fair to them. Last week he failed to reply to my text asking him to confirm he was picking up the dc from school on a different day from usual, causing me to ring around 3 different people trying to sort something else, and then come home from work early myself only for him to be standing smugly in the playground smirking when I got there. I had to drive straight back to work (had an evening event) and it wasted 1.5 hours of my precious time and petrol. I work fulltime in a very stressful job and he does the bare minimum for the dc and pays nothing towards their upkeep, btw.

AIBU to think he has the same access to the school website as me and is aware that parents' evening is a thing, and not to contact him about it? He probably won't reply anyway, which will stress me out and I'm not his fucking PA. The only thing is ds2's letter was in his bag and I know ex didn't see it. However, we've been attending a pre-halfterm parents' evening at this school for the last 6 years, and he is just as capable as me as remembering this and contacting the school or texting me and asking about it. If he texted me about it I would be happy to tell him the appointment time I've got, but I'll faint if he does.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChiaraRimini · 13/10/2018 19:47

Not your job so nope.
Up to him to contact the school directly.

SuchAToDo · 13/10/2018 19:48

Op your ex sounds like a piece of work and I agree with you it would be easier, and less stressful all round if you went alone to it...

But before you make your decision on whether to tell him or not, you need to ask yourself,

When he is collecting the kids from school, is it possible he will hear about the parents evening (before the event or after the event) from your own kids, or from overhearing other parents talking about it in playground while waiting for kids?

Or if he is curious about why there has been no parents evening (because you didn't invite him) could he called school and enquire when the next one will be and the school tell him it already will have happened and you attended alone?

If he does find out that you attended it alone what is the worst case scenario for how he will react?..

You need to weigh all this up before you make your decisions...

But op i would be more inclined to want to not tell him too..

Do what you personally feel is best,

Singlenotsingle · 13/10/2018 19:53

Does ex actually need to be invited by you if he's got access to the school website? Surely he can be a little bit proactive and check it out for himself?

Dollymixture22 · 13/10/2018 20:01

I totally understand not wanting th invite him. This guy is an idiot who uses important events in his children’s lives to play mind games. He is a prick.

That said, you need to rise above it, give him he information once and let him do what he wants. He is unreliable and he thinks he has a power over you by keeping you guessing about whether he will be there. Send the text - parents evening at 7pm Tuesday 19, I be attending. His attendance is not necessary. You have done your bit. Don’t engage in any other mind games or drama that he creates.

Be the bigger person

MakeAHouseAHome · 13/10/2018 20:03

Did you get letters about the Parents Evening aswell? He may have access to the same website nut you are at an 'advantage' in terms of 'remembering' if yiu get letters home etc.

PattiStanger · 13/10/2018 20:04

My exDP doesn't live near enough to attend parents evenings but if he did I wouldn't think it was my job to tell him when they are.

Your situation might be different but there would be zero chance that he'd remember that there'd been one in the past and would never follow up with the school so there wouldn't be any come back on me. I'd book my own slots to suit me and crack on.

Jazzmin · 13/10/2018 20:12

Just from a different perspective. As a teacher, I hand out appointment times and see their faces when they ask if it is mum or dad, or both. I don’t know how old your children are, but some equate turning up to their parents evening as feeling their parents care for them. If you put aside your feelings for your ex... how much will your children care? Maybe more than you realise. I suggest texting ‘ you probably have arranged your own time but if not you can come along at 7.10 when I see Miss so and so. ‘ Hope it all works out ok.

Hotfootit · 13/10/2018 20:13

One of my friend’s and her ex each arrange their own time to see the teachers. The only time they have gone in together since the split up was a specific appointment to talk about a particular incident at school involving their child. At school events the ignore each other.
Another friend makes the appointment, tells ex who then does his best to attend. At school events the firs one there reserves a seat for the other and they sit together.
Neither is right or wrong - what they do tells you more about the state of their relationship and how well they cooperate post breakdown of the relationship.
Me, I’m still with my DH and I make the appointments and he comes if he can get out of work in time.
As you’ve always gone together before, the nicest I’d be to your ex is to tell him when parents’ evening is (in case he missed the letter) and suggest he contacts the school to make his own appointment. After this one, I’d not bother again, as you’ll have set out your intention to go alone.

user1493413286 · 13/10/2018 20:20

He hasn’t exactly covered himself in glory but As you received the letter and he didn’t and it’ll be you setting up the appointment time I do actually think you need to let him know.
However I’d text him saying “this is the date and time; if I don’t hear back from you I will assume you aren’t coming and will tell the school this and won’t update you if times or arrangements change”. I bet you’ll get a response as he won’t want to turn up at 6pm and discover the time changed to 7.30.
I’d do the same with anything that requires a response ie: can you collect them on this day, if I don’t hear from you by this date I’ll make other arrangements and the children won’t be there for you to pick up” and keep repeating this

GoJohnnyGoGoGoGo · 13/10/2018 20:22

As a teacher I've had plenty of double appointments for the same child. One for each parent.
You make your own appointments and let him sort himself out.

TeeniefaeTroon · 13/10/2018 20:49

I would text and say parents evening is on such and such a night, please contact the school if you'd like to make an appointment.
That way he has the option to make his own appointment.

HomeMadeMadness · 13/10/2018 21:18

AIBU to think he has the same access to the school website as me and is aware that parents' evening is a thing, and not to contact him about it?

Does he pay you to be his PA? If not then no don't contact him - he can sort it himself.

Alienspaceship · 13/10/2018 21:23

FFS don’t waste the teacher’s time with individual appointments. Your personal life issues really isn’t their problem and they have precious little time.

Alienspaceship · 13/10/2018 21:24

I should add, I always offered one appointment for one child. Take it or leave it.

Dollymixture22 · 13/10/2018 21:27

Alien please tell me you aren’t still a teacher!?!

Original poster
theduchessstill · 13/10/2018 21:28

I maybe should have said that I'm a teacher so I'm well aware of how having individual appointments affects them, but I am not prepared to act as ex's pa anymore and if the result of that is separate appointments then so be it. It's really not me who's caused it. In the dim and distant past I used to privately shake my head at parents who needed separate appointments, but I've learnt since that I have no idea what is going on in other people's lives and I don't judge anymore.

OP posts:
NoParticularPattern · 13/10/2018 21:30

I’d book apppintments to suit myself and then send a message to him “parents evening for (child) on X day, appointments are a, b and c. Be great if you can make it but no problem if not”. Then you’ve told him, you’ve given him the exact info that you have and the onus is on him to turn up or not. I agree that he sounds like a game playing knobhead, but he also sounds like the kind of bloke who would take it out on you further if he were to find out that you hadn’t told him. I know it’s not your job but if you suit yourself and just tell him what’s happening then he can’t really complain he didn’t know. Well he probably can, but that’s because he’s a bit of a turd.

RandomMess · 13/10/2018 21:30

You are not his PA leave him to sort it out himself!

OurMiracle1106 · 13/10/2018 21:31

Send the letter with time on to him with the kids. If he turns up he does. If he doesn’t well letter was sent to him. Or better still post it.

PippilottaLongstocking · 13/10/2018 21:36

He sounds just like my ex

My ex just had an almighty tantrum because I didn’t organise him a separate meeting with the teacher, despite a) knowing himself when parents evening was and how to contact the teacher and b) not actually asking me to make him an appointment to see the teacher (he’s never previously shown any interest in parents evening so it didn’t occur to me to talk to him about it beforehand)

EffYouSeeKaye · 13/10/2018 21:36

I suggest texting ‘ you probably have arranged your own time but if not you can come along at 7.10 when I see Miss so and so.

I think this is fair to your children and a reasonable level of effort for you to make.

1Wanda1 · 13/10/2018 21:38

I could have written your OP. Eventually I decided that I wasn't ex-H's PA and he received the same emails as I do from school notifying him of important dates - and he could either sort himself out, or not.

He's never attended a parents' evening since.

Beautifulblue · 13/10/2018 21:39

What @OurMiracle1106 said. Just give your DC the letter & tell them to show it to dad when they visit him... then he has date/time & it's down to him to remember.

Bingolingo · 13/10/2018 21:42

I’ve let my ex know in the past when I’m going and asked him to come along, he’s only made one parent’s evening ever and we are into secondary school now. He has equal access to the school website/ParentMail, so I don’t mention anything school related to him anymore. If he was the type to actually turn up though I would try and coordinate to avoid two appointments where possible.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/10/2018 21:44

Yep, arrange a time which is good for you, let him know, and say he can arrange another time if it doesn’t work for him.

He sounds like a smug wanker, by the way, huge congratulations on getting rid of him! 🥂🍾

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