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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell ex about parents' evening?

48 replies

theduchessstill · 13/10/2018 19:36

We've been apart 4 years and the dc spend 3 nights per fortnight with him. Until now I have filled in all parents' evening forms, liaising with ex about which times he can do. Last year he forgot the date after I'd told him the time we'd got and didn't attend, then sent me a shitty message because I should have reminded him apparently. Another time he didn't reply when I texted him the time we had been assigned so I wasn't sure whether he was coming. On the night the teacher was ready slightly early so asked if we could start. I said yes and then he stomped in a few minutes later muttering he 'had been told X time,' and glaring at me, which was embarrassing.

He thinks it's clever to seldom reply to my texts, which can be infuriating, and causes problems when arranging pick ups for the dc. I sometimes have to ask the dc to confirm stuff with him and let me know, which I don't think is fair to them. Last week he failed to reply to my text asking him to confirm he was picking up the dc from school on a different day from usual, causing me to ring around 3 different people trying to sort something else, and then come home from work early myself only for him to be standing smugly in the playground smirking when I got there. I had to drive straight back to work (had an evening event) and it wasted 1.5 hours of my precious time and petrol. I work fulltime in a very stressful job and he does the bare minimum for the dc and pays nothing towards their upkeep, btw.

AIBU to think he has the same access to the school website as me and is aware that parents' evening is a thing, and not to contact him about it? He probably won't reply anyway, which will stress me out and I'm not his fucking PA. The only thing is ds2's letter was in his bag and I know ex didn't see it. However, we've been attending a pre-halfterm parents' evening at this school for the last 6 years, and he is just as capable as me as remembering this and contacting the school or texting me and asking about it. If he texted me about it I would be happy to tell him the appointment time I've got, but I'll faint if he does.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Feefeetrixabelle · 13/10/2018 21:55

As long as he has access to the same info then yanbu. Maybe put the appointment in dc school bag for next visit. It’s his fault if he doesn’t read it.

jcsp · 13/10/2018 21:57

You sort out the times to suit you.

Tell him the time, tell him to arrive early just in case.

But don’t hold your breath waiting for him to turn up.

As a (retired now) teacher it was always interesting to see a separated couple turn up, meet, argue and both blame the other for the child’s shortcomings. Took the pressure off me!

I always felt sorry for one mum who always made excuses for her ex not turning up “ he’s very busy” he’s got a high powered job”. She was embarrassed because basically he couldn’t be arsed and that’s largely why his son was like he was.

So as it looks like you do all the sorting out etc then perhaps pick a time when only you can be present. ....... “sorry they didn’t have any other appointment times”

Hope it goes well for you.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 13/10/2018 22:03

I agree with PPs - make an appointment, tell him when it is, and tell him he is welcome to come to this appointment or make one of his own as he prefers. Or indeed, not bother.

Not only does this put you on the moral high ground, but as he sounds like a nasty git he may make you regret it if you don’t tell him. At best he’ll use it to score points.

CalleighDoodle · 13/10/2018 22:03

if it is a letter that gets sent home in a book bag and he wont see it, photograph it and email him for him to arrange his own time. sort your own time out. if it is an emailed communication, tell him to get access. you dont have to parent him

Lalliella · 13/10/2018 22:04

You need to tell him about it, otherwise you’ve seized the moral low ground, and also it isn’t fair on DC. Make the appointment for what suits you and tell him when it is, non-negotiable. Please don’t get him to make a separate appointment, think of the poor teachers.

The other stuff you mention is a bit concerning though. Time to take him (back?) to court to get some proper arrangements re maintenance and access sorted out.

Prometheus · 13/10/2018 22:08

Photograph the appointment letter & send it to him with no text. Job done.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 13/10/2018 22:10

I’d book apppintments to suit myself and then send a message to him “parents evening for (child) on X day, appointments are a, b and c. Be great if you can make it but no problem if not”

yep, I would do this

abbsisspartacus · 13/10/2018 22:12

My ex doesn't bother with parents evening he literally handed me the forms to fill in and walked away

Don't bother getting him to watch his kids if you have to work just arrange alternative care

And stop doing the wifework for him your not married he clearly is a dick so just make your own plans and ignore him

abbsisspartacus · 13/10/2018 22:18

Try not to send emails/text that require a response just a general thanks for agreeing to pick the kids up today if you really feel he needs reminding or I've told the school to expect you not me today, same with parents evening a message like I think after last year's difficulties with timing you are better off booking your own appointment with the teachers this year and leave it at that ball is in his court 🤷‍♀️ maybe he will step up when you disengage maybe he won't

Original poster

theduchessstill · 13/10/2018 22:18

I'm grateful for all replies and glad to know I'm not completely UR.

I don't think some people realise how utterly soul destroying it is to send a stream of pleasant, polite, cooperative texts to get nothing back, or, sometimes, to get shit back.

I may do as suggested above and take a photo of the appointment slip and send with no message.

Just in case anyone missed it, I'm a teacher and believe that having to do a few separate appointments for separated or divorced parents is part of the job. However, the issue here isn't that I don't want an appointment with him - if he texted now asking for an appointment time I'd tell him and attend with him. the issue is not wanting to keep him informed to consistently get fuck all back and then feel responsible for him somehow.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2018 22:20

Provide the school office with his address/email and advise them that they will need to send copies of all notices and schedules directly to him from now on.

Advise him that you have done so and that it is now his responsibility to arrange his own times/dates of conferences and to keep himself aware of the school calendar.

RandomMess · 13/10/2018 22:21

If you don't want an appt with him don't do anything as anything else such as telling him will get you a stream of nastiness I expect...

FishesThatFly · 13/10/2018 22:28

Tell him when it is and don't expect anything from him.

I tell my ex the dates and times. I also got abuse for not reminding him and l told him l don't do wifework anymore.

Also don't rely on him to do anything as it just adds stress to your life.

Does he work? Why does he not pay maintenance?

EffYouSeeKaye · 13/10/2018 22:31

Great general advice here when dealing with such a dick. Also, google going ‘Grey Rock’ if you aren’t familiar with it. Very useful tips on dealing with a game-player.

I also really like the idea above about just giving the school office all his information and leaving it there. I have photocopied end of year reports and posted them before now and will also happily dual-email and see parents separately on parents evening.

You are so well rid, thank goodness.

CallMePea · 13/10/2018 22:35

I'd send him a text saying parents evening is on X date at X time.
No reminders.
You're not his PA.

Equally you've done your bit by telling him, whether he turns up or not is up to him and your conscience is clear that you've done what you could.

My ex is exactly the same, thinks I'm his calendar keeper. He didn't turn up to sports day and said I was intently sabotaging his "fatherly appearance" with the school. A quick text with a screen shot of my message telling him the details soon shut him up.

abbsisspartacus · 13/10/2018 22:37

I have a lot of experience dealing with an ex who is all about being seen as a fab parent but actually being a shite one

Asteria36 · 13/10/2018 22:46

Dh's children live with us and visit their mother once a fortnight. We have left dh's ex to make her own arrangements after 2 years of holding her hand and being criticised every step of the way. School are very flexible and have happily made telephone appointments in the past when we have been unable to make it to the dsc's parents evenings.
She hasn't even given them her last two addresses (although there have been 3 this year...) or a relevant telephone number, let alone arranged for duplicate reports to be sent out. It is not our job to show her how to parent and it isn't your job to show your ex how to parent either. He is just as capable of contacting school and having all the relevant information emailed to him directly. Worry about yourself, you separated and he is no longer your responsibility.

pugalugs90 · 13/10/2018 22:48

Just make separate appointments. My ex never turned up to any of my DS appointments so when he asked about it one year I said I'm going on this date if you want to speak to them I suggest you call and make your own appointment. I could not be assed waiting around for him to be a no show. No stress for me and he never decided to go in the end anyway

ilooovechristmas · 13/10/2018 22:52

Hi.... DC parents evening is on ... at ... just so you know in future I'm going to leave it up to you to find out yourself when parents evening is. You have a shitty attitude and never reply to my texts so I won't be helping you attend OUR children's appointments from now on

seventhgonickname · 13/10/2018 23:01

I scan and email all letters and it us his responsibility as an adult to do as he sees fit.Which to date is zero.

ponyprincess · 13/10/2018 23:11

I agree you do not need to be his pa.. There are websites and email addresses - he can sort himself out and you are not in to blame if dc are disappointed he does engage.. HE is-
and all this passing on messages via dc is not on either

Frazzledmum123 · 13/10/2018 23:35

You aren't his PA but sounds like you learnt about parents evening via the letter rather than checking the website yourself so I do think you need to send it to him, more for your own sake than his as I imagine he'd hide future letters for you if he sees them otherwise. I agree stop being nice in texts, not rude but blunt and to the point and not expecting of a reply. Sounds crap for you but when your kids are old enough, they will see him for what he is so he's the one who will miss out eventually hopefully

abbsisspartacus · 14/10/2018 08:45

I just think you need to disengage from it all if he doesn't reply to a text asking for him to watch the kids on a certain day make other arrangements then text him to say never mind I've sorted it put his arse on the back foot I had to with my ex being a dick he tried stopping me from taking my driving test he faked a cancer scare to try and stop me taking my theory even though I booked it on the day he has the kids anyway when it came to my practical he "forgot" and said I might be able to sort something (this was the day before) I had made other plans by then I won't let him control a situation

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