AIBU to want DP to stop talking to his friend who called me a p***

[googleismyfriend]

As a bit of background, DP and I have been together for 2 years. DP is white English.

DP and this guy, let's call him L, have been friends since pre-school. We are all in our early 20s now. They were best friends throughout secondary school, but drifted away when DP went to sixth form and uni and they rarely spoke to each other or met up. But DP's parents still refer to L as DP's best friend.

About a year ago, DP went to the pub with his football team, and L was there. One of the guys was making conversation with DP and asked where I was from. L then buts in and says 'p*'. For reference I am not Pakistani but I am Asian, so no-one can pass this off as anything other than a horrific racial slur. Bare in mind, I had not even met L at this point, he used a racist term against someone he had never met and had done nothing wrong to him.

The whole football team said 'you can't say that' to L. A few days later, DP sent L a long text basically saying it was wrong of him to call me a p*. L sent a text back apologising (I am sure he didn't mean it. You will see why I think he didn't mean this below. He was just afraid to lose DP as a friend as he barely has any friends as he is shy).

Fast forward just under a year. I meet L at a pub gathering. L ignores me, he didn't even say hello. It was very awkward because this was the first time he was meeting me, and he had already sabotaged that meeting by calling me a p* previously.

I meet L again at a birthday party. This time, it all kicks off as L referred to another of DP's friends as a p and I said 'you can't say that, that's very offensive'. L apologises for calling me a p previously (I accepted this) but his girlfriend ruined everything by trying to make excuses for him, saying 'he meant Pakistani' (this is BS as I am not even Pakistani) and was getting very aggressive, coming right into my face and shouting. L does not do anything to stop his girlfriend. To add insult to injury, L used the p* term again about the same friend.

Tonight, DP is going to L's sister's birthday party (he is not friends with L's sister, he is only going because the parents are family friends with DP's parents) and it has riled up my feelings of anger again. I can't understand why DP would want to continue talking to L and being friends with him when he called me a p* and has continued to use the term against others.

I suppose I wish that DP stood up for me more by cutting off all friendship with L when he originally called me a p*.

As many will likely tell you: You have a DP problem.
He is definitely the issue here.

How old are you both?
After 2 years you’d should expect him to be “on your team”.

If any of my friends were openly rude in any way (let alone racist) to my DP I’d cut them off and wouldn’t look back.

Depending on how this goes on, It would potentially be a deal breaker for me.

Cutting off after the first time would be a bit OTT, I think he did the right thing in explaining in a text that it was hurtful and not to do it again.

L and the girlfriend don’t sound the nicest of people to be around (even without the slur) though! Does your DP actually like them or is it just as they have history?

How old are you both?

We are both in our early 20s. L is the same age.

YADNBU! Your DP should be on your team. Staying friends with someone who treats you like that is awful. Agree you have a DP problem, unfortunately.

Cutting off after the first time would be a bit OTT, I think he did the right thing in explaining in a text that it was hurtful and not to do it again.

I don't know if I am BU to think someone who is openly racist about someone's partner should be cut off the first time.

L and the girlfriend don’t sound the nicest of people to be around (even without the slur) though! Does your DP actually like them or is it just as they have history?

I think it is just that they have history. As DP's and L's families are family friends I feel like DP's family is pushing DP to be friends with L so that the families friendships aren't affected.

You're not married. Get rid of him.

I don't think it would have been OTT at all. I don't think gently explaning to racists that racists slurs are hurtful is likely to cut much ice tbh. There is no way on Earth a person in their 20s doesn't know that this is a vile racial slur.

Get rid if I'm honest if any one I knew stood there being blatantly racist about anyone let alone a partner I'd fuck them off. And the fact his mrs had a go at you! Your partner needs to sort his priorities out. Are you happy feeling arkward at every gathering from now on?

If his family also don't see anything wrong with this then you might have more problems than just your DP. I would get out of being in a relationship with someone whose family think that's acceptable because by pushing the friendship that's exactly what they're indicating that they think the use of that word is acceptable.

Sometimes some of the older generation don't seem to understand that where does offensive but certainly the age that you are and they that your partner is and the age that his friend would be they would understand that totally unacceptable in this day and age.

You have a DP problem. His friend is racist and he should disown them. No excuses here. By continuing to be friends with the racist he is condoning their behaviour. Sorry to be so blunt but I have no time for racists and their apologists. “He meant Pakistani” fgs.

Please don't let your DP or his family or ANYONE make you feel you should have to tolerate racism because acknowledging it and supporting you would make their lives a bit uncomfortable.

If his family also don't see anything wrong with this then you might have more problems than just your DP. I would get out of being in a relationship with someone whose family think that's acceptable because by pushing the friendship that's exactly what they're indicating that they think the use of that word is acceptable.

His family make excuses for his racist behaviour by saying things like 'he's just thick' and 'he is not intelligent'. They also say 'DP and L have been friends since pre school, you can't stop them being friends, that would be controlling'.
To be completely honest, L is not intelligent at all.

It shouldn't be about you stopping them being friends, as if he has to go along with you having a bit of a tantrum and ditch his mates for you.
He should not want to be friends with someone who treats his partner with such disgusting disrespect.

The problem isn't that he won't do what you want. It's that he isn't doing it of his own volition.

How does DP stop being friends with L when their families are in each others pockets?

None of them are on board with this relationship, and will never support you because you are not one of ‘them’ .

Your partner had the power to stand up to all of these people- the friend, the girlfriend, the family doing all the justification- and he did nothing.

A true partner would have your back, and would stand with you to overcome racism, and would avoid contact with people who behaved abusively towards you. This man views your relationship as far less important than placating racist friends.

As a white person married to an Asian person, I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behaviour at all. There is no way on earth that I would maintain contact with anyone who used racially offensive language towards my husband, or indeed towards anyone.

I think you need to get rid. His family are awful making excuses for L too. It is not normal to turn a blind eye to blatantly racist behaviour. You deserve so much better.

My partner is Asian

If anyone I knew said that to or about her i'd probably bash them.

If he won’t drop the friend he absolutely needs to become L’s educator and stop him every single time he is offensive, send him video clips explaining racism and become an ambassador for correctness. Surely he dislikes this aspect of L even if he is an old mate?

I know a couple where a friend of the DH called his wife a cunt whilst she was giving the offensive friend a lift home. She didn’t say anything, don’t be her.

I'm not sure he should stop being friends with him if their families are that close, but your dp should pick him up on it EVERY TIME.

If his friend really is that thick (and I am surprised because he is of a generation that should have been taught about racism from nursery upwards), then he needs to be picked up and corrected every time he says it, until it gets into his thick head.

I think you’re up the creek here sadly.

Think very carefully about your future and what it would look like. Say DP proposes, you say yes, all your wedding excitement would be marred by the fact this L would likely end up being DPs best man.

Imagine you and DP have a baby. What’s he going to call it? If he can call you a P..i then I’m sure he’d probably “jokingly” refer to baby in some horrible term.

I’d see how tonight goes but DP has to distance himself - you can’t do it for him. You never know there may be some arseholery that zaps the friendship then and there.

But I do suspect you’re on a hiding to nothing and you need to aim higher...

When somebody keeps racists in their social circle it's generally because they say things that person also wishes they could say.

What kind of results does your partner get with the project implicit tests on racism

OP, it doesn;t matter what we think, it matters what YOU feel about this. Personally, I had the same happen to me.

L apologises for calling me a p previously (I accepted this) but his girlfriend ruined everything by trying to make excuses for him, saying 'he meant Pakistani' (this is BS as I am not even Pakistani) and was getting very aggressive, coming right into my face and shouting. L does not do anything to stop his girlfriend. To add insult to injury, L used the p term again about the same friend

^^This exactly happened to us with a very old friend of mine, except it was his vile gf that used a racist term to describe my future kids. My husband, who the term could also be applied to, was beyond furious, as was I. I cut ties with friend, though his vile gf and him were trying to explain why the term isn't racist "it's just the same as saying Brit!!" they kept saying, and just couldn't understand that the word they used was always historically used since WW2 in a negative, racists, hateful aspect). Anyway, I told my ex friend that I'm sorry he felt that way, but I could no longer accept his gf in my life, the term was hurtful as was their attitude and I hope they had a happy life but we could no longer be friends. The fact is your DP doesn't seem to be that offended - but YOU are. And it's YOUR feelings that matter the most.

My sister in law is of Asian heritage and anybody who used that word, or any other racist word, about her, would be told exactly where to go by all of us, regardless of how old a family friend they were. You don't want to have to risk seeing or bring around this racist man and his racist partner and if your DP doesn't immediately understand that then I don't think you want to be around him either. Or have children with him (if that's something you're considering, I realise it might not be in your immediate horizon!).

As the parents are all siding with L and your DP is going along with them this will only get worse.

Imagine having to explain to your future daughter why her father’s friend calls her mum abusive racist names, and everyone is happy with that?

You deserve so much more.

How does DP stop being friends with L when their families are in each others pockets?

Your DP is an adult and is capable of making his own choices. It shouldn't matter if his parents are pushing him to keep up the friendship, he has the right to choose not to. If he isn't making that choice, he's putting his family's feelings above yours. (And it may not even be entirely about his parents either - despite everything, he may also not want to ditch the friendship and is using his family as an excuse).

It's not going to be an easy decision to make, but I'd be telling him straight that it's the friend or me, and meaning it.