AIBU to want DP to stop talking to his friend who called me a p***

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As a bit of background, DP and I have been together for 2 years. DP is white English.

DP and this guy, let's call him L, have been friends since pre-school. We are all in our early 20s now. They were best friends throughout secondary school, but drifted away when DP went to sixth form and uni and they rarely spoke to each other or met up. But DP's parents still refer to L as DP's best friend.

About a year ago, DP went to the pub with his football team, and L was there. One of the guys was making conversation with DP and asked where I was from. L then buts in and says 'p*'. For reference I am not Pakistani but I am Asian, so no-one can pass this off as anything other than a horrific racial slur. Bare in mind, I had not even met L at this point, he used a racist term against someone he had never met and had done nothing wrong to him.

The whole football team said 'you can't say that' to L. A few days later, DP sent L a long text basically saying it was wrong of him to call me a p*. L sent a text back apologising (I am sure he didn't mean it. You will see why I think he didn't mean this below. He was just afraid to lose DP as a friend as he barely has any friends as he is shy).

Fast forward just under a year. I meet L at a pub gathering. L ignores me, he didn't even say hello. It was very awkward because this was the first time he was meeting me, and he had already sabotaged that meeting by calling me a p* previously.

I meet L again at a birthday party. This time, it all kicks off as L referred to another of DP's friends as a p and I said 'you can't say that, that's very offensive'. L apologises for calling me a p previously (I accepted this) but his girlfriend ruined everything by trying to make excuses for him, saying 'he meant Pakistani' (this is BS as I am not even Pakistani) and was getting very aggressive, coming right into my face and shouting. L does not do anything to stop his girlfriend. To add insult to injury, L used the p* term again about the same friend.

Tonight, DP is going to L's sister's birthday party (he is not friends with L's sister, he is only going because the parents are family friends with DP's parents) and it has riled up my feelings of anger again. I can't understand why DP would want to continue talking to L and being friends with him when he called me a p* and has continued to use the term against others.

I suppose I wish that DP stood up for me more by cutting off all friendship with L when he originally called me a p*.

*When somebody keeps racists in their social circle it's generally because they say things that person also wishes they could say.

What kind of results does your partner get with the project implicit tests on racism*

I'm positive DP himself is not racist. Not only me, he is very close to my family and has never said anything against anyone non-English.

Your partner had the power to stand up to all of these people- the friend, the girlfriend, the family doing all the justification- and he did nothing.

And that would be a deal breaker for me. This is how it will always be with him. Always.

'Love ain't supposed to feel bad.' - Oprah Winfrey

I trust your instincts.

But he should grow a spine.

It just seems like such a luxury to be able to ignore how harmful racism is.

He may not be racist himself, OP, but he is tacitly condoning the racist behaviour of his friend by failing to distance himself from this. In other words, he doesn't think it's that big a deal. And neither do his family.

He has already tried explaining to his friend how offensive the p* word is, but his friend has continued to use the term regardless. It's clear that the friend is not going to change, so your boyfriend has two choices - accept his friend's racism and carry on as normal, or decide that the persistent use of such language is intolerable and stop meeting up with him.

Personally, in your position, I would struggle to see a future with someone who didn't take a stand against such racist behaviour, especially as his family don't seem to see the issue either. I guess it's for you to decide if you can put up with it or not.

Dump your boyfriend. He’s ok with racial slurs.

I would never stay friends with someone who used racial slurs, especially not about my partner

You’re very young, don’t settle for this.

Also think you should drop the boyfriend. You shouldn't have to 'make him' drop his racist friend, that should have already happened. You can make yourself drop him and long term it's probably for the best.

Definitely a DP problem.

I had an issue with my DHs friends calling me names and fat. I know not racist but it still hurt.

I tried to be all laid back because it was just "banter".

It all blew up at another friends wedding when one particular girl got wasted and openly called me all these awful names.

I told DH that's was it. I was pregnant at the time. I told him i was leaving him. We didn't talk for weeks but then he changed his mind and realised they were wankers.

He doesn't talk to them now

It's not controlling I don't see why you should put up with that shit.

As someone also in a multi-ethnic relationship (or whatever you want to call it), ditch him. My husband ALWAYS calls people out if they mention something about my skin colour or, indeed, if they say anything about anyone the same race as me. As I do for him. I don't even think about it and I wouldn't hesitate to cut someone off if they said something racist about him.

When you're from different backgrounds, it's extra important to be supportive of each other.

If your relationship is otherwise positive and loving then I am sure you and your DP can deal with this between you.

Your DP needs to pull L up every single time he makes a comment like this. They haven't been close for a long time so it shouldn't be that difficult to distance himself from L again. Falling out with him may have repercussions between the two families, and I can see why that might be difficult for your DP, but he has to stand up for you every single time.

L appears to be a relic of the past.

Have a conversation with your DP about the benefits of holding onto a relic of the past versus holding onto you as something that is happening right now, and also hopefully something that will continue into the future.

Point out that L is a dick, and you'll have nothing to do with him. On top of that, your DP hanging out with dicks has an impact on how you see DP.

Recognise and thank DP for the effort he put into the message sent to L, that it was a good thing for him to do. However also point out that L has not changed his behaviour. He's still a dick. So is his GF.

Say that you have enough problems in your life without the prospect of a racist bastard and his cheerleader turning up to social events with you and your DP present, or to even be reminded he exists.

Mention that as people get older, they tend to diverge, which is painful for the people involved, but the guy he used to play Action Man with isn't the same person as the guy who's calling you, the love of his life, a P*.

After that whole conversation has happened, see how your DP responds. If he seems more inclined to accuse you of being controlling, or refuses to stop seeing L, then I'd consider the future of the relationship, or lack thereof. If he backs you fully and takes steps to distance himself from L by not hanging out with him etc, then make your way along as you think best. It's hard to divorce yourself from a long term friend, no matter their behaviour, but it'd be a real indicator of how much he truly values you if he did.

Your bf is going to the party of a racist who squared up to you aggressively.

That would be the end for me.

If my partner didn’t cut this person out of their own volition there’d be no future. None. If you stay together and have children they’ll be subjected to that shit too.

And if his friends have kids you can bet they’ll be expected to be friends with yours too.

It’s a big no from me.

If this is a friend he saw infrequently, it may not have such an impact on you.... but L is a close family friend...and his parents support and encourage the friendship.

Its easy to not interact with someone, without falling out with them.

Your OH could do that.

I would also agree that it's people that lack intelligence who use such words. I just wouldn't interact with people who think that way.

I had a situation last year, when someone used the N word. I'm black...so of course I find it offensive.

The person lacked the intelligence to understand it wasn't acceptable and was trying to say it's post millennium and it was a casually used word among the many black friends they had.

People like this don't get it. What I really wanted to say is thet need to keep different company if their friends spoke that way and deemed it acceptable.

You can't educate stupid people like this.

If someone were racist about my partner I would cut them off. It's inexcusable.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who associated with racists and the insult to you makes it worse.

As others have said, definitely a DP problem.

My husband is black and when we first got together a 'friend' of mine that I had known since we were 5 years old and had been very close to (I considered her my closest friend) called him a N***. I told her in no uncertain terms what I thought of her and have not spoken to her since. She did try to apologise but it was half hearted and more her making excuses for what she said.

There is no way I would stand by and let anyone make racial slurs against my husband or anyone else.

Kick your partner into touch. you deserve someone much better.

The reason that L has no friends is probably because he’s offended other people rather than being shy. Intelligence doesn’t come into it unless he has severe learning difficulties. Most people only need to be told once that they have said something bad to know not to repeat it to that person.

Tell DP that he has a choice to make. He either stops mixing with a racists or you leave.

His family make excuses for his racist behaviour by saying things like 'he's just thick' and 'he is not intelligent'. They also say 'DP and L have been friends since pre school, you can't stop them being friends, that would be controlling'.

Racists of course are thick, it's inherent to racism. In many respects being racist is the only thing that gives them any sort of self-validation, because it comforts them to believe that they aren't at the bottom of the heap. None of that excuses racists in any way. The fact that L chooses an aggressive girlfriend suggests that his racism is deeply ingrained.

My concern would be not only that your partner wants to be around someone who has been so rude to and about you, but also that he wants to associate with a thick racist at all. What possible benefit could there be for him in continuing the friendship?

You ask how he can avoid being friends if the two families are in each others pockets. It really shouldn't be difficult: surely your DP has his own circle of friends which does not include L? I don't feel myself obliged to be friends with my parents' friends' children, because I've moved away and made my own life. Your DP managed to draft apart from L previously without any difficulty, why can't he do so again? If the reality is that he doesn't want to, you may have to assess why that is and consider whether you really want to stay with him.

It doesn't matter if hes shy, I'm shy and I have a few very supportive close friends but if I was disgustingly racist about any of their partners they would no longer be my friend.
Shyness is no excuse. Your DP needs to stand up to his family and to his friend.

Sorry, I meant to say "The fact that L chooses an aggressive racist girlfriend suggests that his racism is deeply ingrained."

His friend is racist and his girlfriend is of a different race to him. He should have ditched the racist twat as soon as he used such a slur yet he didn’t and now low and behold the racist is continuing to be bloody racist yet he’s still adamant they remain friends. I would be ditching the boyfriend personally.

Your DP really should want to distance himself from this friend. You are not being unreasonable to expect it:

Thank you so much everyone for all your replies.

You have all helped me see that I am not BU nor am I being controlling. I was so worried that I was.

DP has said that he will no longer go to any events where L will be present. I wonder how he will be if he bumps into L, given that the families are friends.

DP has said if L contacts him then he will say he doesn't think it is appropriate for them to be friends as he feels like he's undermining me and condoning L's behaviour.

That sounds like a good result, best of luck with it!