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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hold someone's drunken words against them?

72 replies

Casperandme · 13/10/2018 10:20

AIBU?

I went out with a close friend last night and she got very very drunk. While I stayed out late too, I didn't really drink anything so was pretty much sober. Because of this I was more aware of the things she was talking about, which included some comments that hurt my feelings (ie we got separated from the rest of the group and she complained that she was with me instead of them because they were more fun, bringing up a weird conversation we had months ago, that sort of thing).

Now it's the next day I don't feel very good about it at all and cross with her, but she was so very drunk I doubt she'd even remember. I still hold it against her though.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2018 11:15

Honestly, I'd let it go. She probably was being antagonistic, but it's more likely the booze than you.

MrDonut · 13/10/2018 11:17

Oh, god. I once got really drunk and told a male friend that I had always thought he was gay. I have no idea why I said that, because I had never for even a second ever thought he was gay. I was just talking utter bollocks. I do not drink anymore.

If your friend was itching for a fight, maybe she has other shit going on and was just looking for a stress outlet.

Juells · 13/10/2018 11:19

Life's too short to waste time on aggressive drunks.

thenightsky · 13/10/2018 11:22

I've been in the same situation OP, but as we were sharing a hotel room it was impossible to hide my feelings towards her the next morning. The friendship has recovered after apologies and her being mortified when I repeated stuff she done and said. However, I will no longer take her away with that particular group of my friends again.

SpankTheMonkey · 13/10/2018 11:26

I dont think drunks speak the truth.

Decades ago, as a teenager, On occasion, I used to get quite argumentative after a few white lightenings...ahem. I used to call pple all kinds of names. Lovely people that I genuinely care about..but what i was looking for, was an argument / over anything

Maybe this lady is different but I cant say any of that behaviour , from me, was the truth. It did make me realise I needed to modify my behaviour though as friends should not be forced to put up with that kind of shite

I wouldnt hold it against her , but I would tell her she was being a dick. You could be doing her a favour

Fabellini · 13/10/2018 11:29

To hold someone's drunken words against them?

Fabellini · 13/10/2018 11:33

I know my last post was quite flip, but I agree with the sentiment. I don’t think that the truth comes out when you’re drunk...I mean, it can, but I don’t think everything someone says when they’re three sheets to the wind is what they genuinely think and feel when sober.
That being said, some people get really argumentative when they’re drunk - in my experience those people will say pretty much anything to get a reaction, just because they’re spoiling for a fight.

MrDonut · 13/10/2018 11:34

Also, I'm not saying it was ok that your friend may have taken her stress out on you. I just mean, it might not be about you per se. I don't think she was being very nice to you, so I wouldn't blame you for distancing yourself from her if she can't behave nicely.

Rebecca36 · 13/10/2018 11:35

When people are drunk they say whatever comes into their heads; though some of it may be true they take on an emphasis that isn't usually there. We all feel irritation with friends occasionally but other aspects of the friendship takes precedence - when drunk they don't!

In your place I would talk to your friend seriously and calmly about what she said, find out if she really meant it and suggest to her that she drinks less in future. After that it is up to her.

I feel sorry you've been hurt by this but it happens a lot. I hope your friendship remains intact, your friend a little wiser. x

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 13/10/2018 11:40

Given there were quite a few comments through the night then yes, I think you probably got an insight into her true feelings. It sounds quite different to blurting out something inappropriate after a few drinks, she's definitely got some issue with you.

It's possible I suppose that if you bring it up you might be able to clear the air with no harm done. I think though, given she didn't have the guts to bring up whatever it is while sober, it's more likely she'll deny/claim she doesn't remember/didn't mean it/was only joking/it was the booze talking etc rather than actually engage in a discussion.

It would leave a bad taste in my mouth too and I'd probably step back from the friendship.

kaitlinktm · 13/10/2018 11:40

In my experience when drunks do speak the truth they often regret it because they know that what they are saying is mean and often unreasonable, but they think it deep down nonetheless. You can usually tell they are being truthful because it resonates in some way - you may have suspected they felt this way but they reassured you they didn't for example.

I experienced this from an ex, an in-law (outlaw now), a colleague's partner (why he took such a dislike to me on first acquaintance I don't know, but he was undoubtedly telling the truth - colleague was mortified). I know it sounds like a lot of people but I am over 60 so it whittles it down a bit.

I have had other people tell me stuff which I didn't believe - and later on they couldn't remember what they'd said or said they were talking rubbish and I accepted that they were.

But I think there are cases (and your friend sounds like one of them) especially where the truth is personal to you, where you know they mean it.

I would not contact her - let her contact you - and be cool with her when she does, otherwise she will leave it a long time and presume you have forgotten or forgiven or just dismissed what she said as drunken ramblings.

At least you know where you are with her now though.

BalloonSlayer · 13/10/2018 11:45

Trouble is, Fabellini, that you just know that whoever went to the trouble of penning that amusing quotation just has to be the most appalling aggressive alcoholic and nightmare to know.

Squirrelblanket · 13/10/2018 11:45

I absolutely don't buy into the 'drunks tell the truth' thing. In the past there's been times I've said things I didn't mean at all because I've had too much to drink, I just don't get in that state now.

I do think that some people are not at their best when drunk. Last weekend I was at a spa with my aunt for her 60th birthday. We had a wonderful day but she'd had a lot of wine and cocktails with dinner and towards the end of the night there was definitely a few things coming out of her mouth that were purposefully goady and negative to me. It really surprised me as it had been such a nice day. I just decided to ignore it but it's not a nice feeling so I sympathise OP.

MaisyPops · 13/10/2018 11:46

By "more fun" she may have just meant that it would be more fun for her at that moment if you were sober and she was drunk.
That's my guess too.

People who are drunk tend to speak the truth but the truth can be whatever is currently in their heads (which may or may not be how they feel sober).

Look how many people manage to have one night stands eith people they'd never consider sober. Alcohol can do weird things to people.

I wouldn't raise it but may opt not to babysit drunk friends.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/10/2018 11:50

Where were all her famous fabulous mates while you left baby sitting her.
I speak through experience. You don't get any better thought of for being considerate. Its a sad thing to say but Its true nonetheless

GabsAlot · 13/10/2018 11:52

sorry i believe it-why would u be mean to someone youre meant to like

ive never done that to a close friend even when ive been leathered

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 13/10/2018 12:00

I hope drunks don't speak the truth - I've had sex with guys drunk I would never have done if sober 😱

Maelstrop · 13/10/2018 12:10

I’ve said and done ridiculous stuff when drunk. As that fabulous quote says, that was drunk me and sober me wouldn’t think half of that stuff let alone say it. Ever heard the expression ‘a mean drunk’?

girlywhirly · 13/10/2018 12:28

I would ignore her and not contact her. The truth is, you would have had a much better time without her company, and the rude creature didn’t acknowledge the fact that you stayed with her after being separated from the group. I wonder if the group went off deliberately as they know she’s essentially an unpleasant person?

MatildaTheCat · 13/10/2018 12:37

There is one level of drunkenness when inhibitions are reduced and you might say more than you usually would or reveal secrets etc.

This is followed by drunken nonsense which is awful to listen to if sober but is still nonsense. Avoid being sober around the very drunk- it’s a poor mix.

poglets · 13/10/2018 12:44

Oh no. Alcohol greatly distorts thinking. But you should speak to her sober and then judge accordingly.

specialsubject · 13/10/2018 12:56

drunk is exacerbation of an offence, not mitigation. She told you what she thought.

dump. Boring pisshead anyway.

InstagramPork · 13/10/2018 13:03

Drunk people don’t always speak the truth!
I chat absolute bollocks when I’m drunk

lynmilne65 · 13/10/2018 13:29

Speaking as a 34 year recovering alcoholic I can most definitely say that drunken mouths certainly don't speak the truth!

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/10/2018 13:32

The refusal to take responsibility about what ‘drunk them’ says is bullshit and tiresome.

You should be made to feel bad, undermined or criticised whether your ‘friend’ is sober or pissed.

I would distance myself from her if I were you. She sounds unpleasant.

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