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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unfortunately this is a school one

64 replies

Harleyisme · 13/10/2018 09:19

I am looking for some perspective.

Dc is in reception class so hasnt been in school long. Dc also has sen with no diagnosis at the moment. Dc is in nappies ( i dont want a whole thread of if i think school shluld have to deal with it. Dc is in nappies for a reason and trust me i would rather him be using a toilet than having to be still changing nappies).

Dc is struggling at school. Hes fine when there from what school are saying they say his behaviour is fine and hes eating. Dc is a very anxious child and always has been but is very good at keeping it together at school.
I have had parents approachme and tell me that there dcs are telling them my dc cries alot school saying hes not.
My dc will make passing comments like Teacher A says i am a baby. Teacher B gets angry at me weeing in my nappy. Teacher C said its about time mummy told us we you are weeing on the toilet ay home ( hes trying to but isn't manging he has no control). He also has food issues and says Teacher A gets angry at him wasting food. My dc wont talk about anything after hes made these comments as hes worried people with get angry with. He says he just wants to make his teachers happy but finds it too much and that they are just angry at him. Hes slowly become a very emotional little boy whos scared to talk, refusing to eat before school and waking in the night struggling to get back to sleep and sobbing. He says hes useless that people won't play with him because they have realised how useless he is. I spend all my time telling him how great he is and pointing out all the amazing things he does. I have struggled to get a meeting with senco as shes to busy and she got the school receptionist to call is Thursday and tell us that she hasn't had any issues brought up from his teacher that we shouldn't worry as parents as in schools opnion none of this is happening and his needs are being meet. She said the senco would try phone is Monday but she's far tp busy.
Now i dont want to be difficult but my dcs getting this from somewhere and hes feeling like this for a reason. Also his teacher on Thursday and Friday morning has been very passive aggressive with me in the mornings which worries me how she will be with dc.
The thing is that bothers me is because dc is a very well behaved child they think all is fine. They seem to have only have interst in children who are miss behaving and theres a few children in my dcs clasa that they are struggling with behaviour issues. I am worried he's going to get over looked because he's a lovely little boy.
I am wondering whats best foot forward persist on a meeting to sort things out and not give up till someone takes me seriously which really is what i need to do but i am worried about this as i want whats best for my dc but people won't communicate with me as i was in the past told i was negative towards my dc when i would tell nursery how my dc was saying hes struggling and feeling because they didn't see it. All this was documented in an educational phsycologists report and it waa started i should only tell people what he was doing good at and not tell people what he was struggling with.

OP posts:
Harleyisme · 13/10/2018 10:48

Thank you everyone for all the support on here. Thank you for being kind to.

I know have a good idea of what to do and i will be that parent if i have too.

You have all been great

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 13/10/2018 10:52

I’m going to ask possibly a very naive question but if homeschooling is an option does he need a formal diagnosis of autism? If your home schooling then his education and support can adapt to his needs right? I’m sorry if I’ve missed something obvious

LegalEagle99 · 13/10/2018 10:53

Good morning OP, your post actually bought tears to my eyes. You sound like a very concerned Mum who simply wants some support, direction and answers from the school.

Legally speaking and from the perspective of a school governor, your DC's school are failing on an epic scale with their duty of care towards him, this includes his pastoral care.

Please write a detailed and concise letter, bullet pointing everything you have said so far and anything else that may be relevant. Put together a time line along with what it is that the school should be doing to support your DC. It's disgraceful that the SENCO didn't even have the courtesy to call you back for reassurance.

Then request a written response and a meeting with your DC's teacher(s), the head and of course the SENCO. All of this needs to take place within 7 working days of your letter being received. Ensure the letter also goes to every member on the board of Governor's. The school legally have to ensure all named parties are given a copy.

Then whenever this meeting takes place go with a list of questions and request that a plan is put in place for your DC with much better communication for you and your DH.

My first instinct as a Mum is to pull your DC out but I know that's not an option for you at this stage. Put it in writing, they will listen and then go from there.

Huge hugs for you and your DC and good luck.

Allthewaves · 13/10/2018 10:55

Op go to sen boards. You need some advice too - contact NAS or sen SOS.

Notonthestairs · 13/10/2018 11:04

Oh I really feel for you. I have a very well behaved quiet child with ASD and complex learning issues. Her school has been broadly supportive but I have had to make myself That Parent. I've recognised that I know my child best and have had to make myself speak up each time I have spotted problems. I'm always respectful but I have learnt to be forceful. It is out of my comfort zone.

I rejected HE just because my relationship with my DD is so intense already I felt she would benefit from greater exposure to other adults and children. But as she has got older I have it in the back of mind for secondary education (provision is very patchy where we are - Herts).

I dont like advising this because it costs us a small fortune (£600 plus) to get a private assessment done (ADOS test) - has your child had one done already? It proved very helpful for us.

I was advised by an EP that my child wouldn't get an EHCP (not bad enough apparently) but I ploughed and spent a good 6 months getting reports together and keeping a diary of EVERYTHING at home. I applied for an EHCP but told the school what I was doing. She got it. Although it hasnt been the magic bullet I hoped for it has given me some leverage.

There will be lots of helpful advice on SN chat/children - it might be worth posting on there as well.

Wishing you and your child the very best.

OhWhoToBeToday · 13/10/2018 11:26

OP, look on your school's website as there should be the SEN Policy and Information for parents. There should also be a dedicated SEN Governor.

In fact. Email the school and ask them to provide you with:
SEND policy
SEND Information Report
Complaints Policy
and who is the SEND Governor

This (I would hope) will put a rocket up their arses!

Volant · 13/10/2018 11:30

It's incredibly well known that children with SEN, particularly autistic spectrum disorders, tend to mask their difficulties in school, only for the stress that this causes to build up so that it all comes out at home. A school that isn't aware of that isn't training its staff properly. For that reason, don't worry about what people might think of you - people who know anything will understand the reality. It could be worth your while filming your son at home when he's talking about school to make it clear that that is where the problem is coming from.

Do you know if you would qualify for legal aid? If you apply for an EHCP and get turned down again, that might help you in dealing with an appeal and in getting the right expert evidence to support it. If not, I'd strongly suggest contacting IPSEA or SOS SEN for help with any further appeals. As itchyknees says, with an EHCP you get a pretty free choice of schools, even if they say they are full.

cansu · 13/10/2018 11:41

Ask for an appointment on writing. Dont let them fob you off. Dont be pushed into home ed. He is entitled to a school education.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 13/10/2018 11:47

Flowers op. Poor you and your poor ds. It really seems that the school is letting both of you down. I really would consider withdrawing him and home ed, even for a short period while you wait for a suitable placement. Due to the sen he maybe just isn’t ready for school. You say he is around 2 years behind, which would be like expecting a 2 or 3 year old to cope with reception. Is a private assessment an option at all? I paid for one for my ds (for a different issue) and it was really helpful. You also then wouldn’t have the worry that school would torpedo any diagnosis by playing down the issues.

Nyon · 13/10/2018 12:03

I echo this:
Email the school and ask them to provide you with:
SEND policy
SEND Information Report
Complaints Policy
and who is the SEND Governor

However, when you email set a deadline for all of the information. You also need to go through all policies with a fine tooth comb and search for all examples of failure in caring for your child. Write down everything said by your DC and other parents (as a teacher, I always take other parents comments with a massive dose of salt but multiple reports would suggest reality, rather than misinterpreted & repeated comments by children). Get a meeting with Head and SENDCO and follow up the meeting with an email clarifying events from the meeting. Start collecting evidence that the school is failing to support - it's about supporting all students and this is shitty behaviour. I'm so sorry that your DC feels useless - good schools and teachers would never allow a child to feel this way.

Harleyisme · 13/10/2018 14:15

Thank you again everyone.

Things i forgot to mention ds has a sen plan that his inclusion specialist teacher and nursey did ready for school. You seen one of the very things that often confuses me is ds had additional support and an inclusion teacher though out nursery yet got no support for school.

OP posts:
OutPinked · 13/10/2018 14:18

Wrong school for him. Look at applying for a new one and I would personally remove him from that one in the interim if that’s an option. As he is reception age there’s no legal obligation to have him in school so don’t worry about that. They clearly don’t know how to deal with a child with SEN.

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2018 10:54

Sod the education side.

If they can't be kind to a 4 year-old he's in the wrong place.

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2018 10:55

Get in touch with nursery and their inclusion teacher and insist on a meeting with the HT and SenCo.

If they don't listen, please take him out.

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