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AIBU?

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Original poster

Plastic surgeon treating ds differently because boys don’t care as much about their appearance

29 replies

WishfulHope · 13/10/2018 08:15

In uk. Ds had accident 4 months ago plastic surgeon said at review he might be more likely to offer revision surgery if ds was a girl.
Ds is nearly 3 and had a big cut to forehead 2.5 across.
4 months on I’m using silicon treatment and it’s helping slightly but still scar looks bad- pinched and dented almost.
I think little boys and girls should have the same treatment available surely?! Aibu to push for another review with different surgeon?

OP posts:
Original poster
WishfulHope · 13/10/2018 08:16

To clarify surgeon said ‘we be more likely to do revision surgery on a girl as they care more about their faces and how they look’

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 13/10/2018 08:16

That’s ridiculous.

If the treatment strategy for a girl would be a revision then that should be on offer for a boy also.

I’d ask for a second opinion.

Ghanagirl · 13/10/2018 08:17

Yes definitely, It’s completely unfair if surgeon basing opinion purely on his sex.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 13/10/2018 08:22

My DD has a scar running from her hairline to her eyebrow. When she did it, 16 years ago, she was 2. We were told at the time that plastic surgery might be an option in the future - and it was most definitely implied that this would more likely be the case for a girl.

Now, it does sound unfair. However, society undoubtedly judges women more harshly based on looks. And a scar on a man is often seen as... well, manly. So I can see why it's said.

FWIW my DD's scar is quite visible when she's hot or tired, or sometimes just because. And she's quite fond of it, and certainly sees it as part of her history. A couple of school photos back it was airbrushed out to her absolute disgust.

ShackUp · 13/10/2018 08:26

OP you've started lots of threads about your DS's scar.

In the nicest possible way, might you think about counselling for yourself about it? It seems to be a source of great anxiety for you Thanks

HMRCfail · 13/10/2018 08:30

@ShackUp, completely agree

SoupDragon · 13/10/2018 08:35

DS2 has a similar scar, gained when he was 5.

He’s nearly 18 now and I can’t actually remember how visible it is now. It’s there I think... probably just a white line.

Having flicked back through some photos, I think it’s usually under his fringe. It doesn’t bother him at all.

However, society undoubtedly judges women more harshly based on looks. And a scar on a man is often seen as... well, manly. So I can see why it's said.

I was agree with this. Women are expected to be “flawless” whereas men aren’t.

tothefareast80 · 13/10/2018 08:36

We had the same experience, albeit not in the UK, and I had to insist that a plastic surgeon stitched DS up rather than the A and E Dr. Apparently for a girl they would have routinely called a plastic surgeon but 'scars on boys are cool '. Hope you get it sorted OP.

fastfooder · 13/10/2018 08:46

Women are expected to be “flawless” whereas men aren’t.

Total bullshit nobody knows how the society will be in 20years so if girls would be offered plastic surgery then he should too.

SoupDragon · 13/10/2018 08:48

No, it isn’t bullshit, it is how the world is now.

SoupDragon · 13/10/2018 08:50

If anything is likely to change in that respect in the future it is thatscars are more acceptable on females. Eugenie and her deliberate choice of wedding dress yesterday is a good example.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 13/10/2018 09:07

I would ask for a second opinion

My two youngest can very deep scratches when they were little and i can still see them

A proper cut i would want sorted, if its a complete refusal then there is obviously nothing you can do

EspressoPatronum · 13/10/2018 09:13

I'm actually astounded at how many people seem to be implying that this is okay. Fucking hell.

Itsallamysterytome · 13/10/2018 09:18

I think things are changing and fast. Boys are becoming pressurised to be perfect.
Fashion houses and cosmetic companies haven't worked to drop pressure on girls they are working to equalise the pressure by increasing it on boys.
My boys worry about flawless skin, they are using face scrubs and moisturiser.
They should be treated equally in the case of the surgery i think.

MrsMWA · 13/10/2018 09:21

Agree with the poster who says it’s you with the problem about this. Why would you want your child to have unnecessary surgery? My son had a very bad injury to his brow, deep cut to the bone requiring a large number of stitches. He was sewn up by one of the best and most expensive plastic surgeons in Asia, where we lived at the time. It cost around £10k (I didn’t ask for any of this btw the private hospital where I took him just did it all, the insurance paid.) he also had ridiculous after care with all sorts of dressings, creams and masks. To be honest, 3 years later the scar is still quite bad and always will be. It is a fact and it happened. What I am saying is, I doubt the NHS would be able to improve it that much so why put him through a surgery? Also just to say my son already had facial scarring from the forceps from his botched NHS birth which I was told would fade and never have. My son is more than his scarred face. Please try to move on.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 13/10/2018 09:22

That's horrendous. DP and DF both care deeply how they look and would be so desperate to have that corrected. DP would have a complete drop of confidence. You need to push for this and keep challenging the surgeon.

Also, Eugenie showing her back scar was great. But it's still her back not her face. I am annoyed by but not overly self conscious of a big scar on my leg. I wear skirts, it gets seen. A scar on my face? Would do everything in my power to minimise ASAP and would definitely cover up for a tv wedding! Face is far more sensitive & tied in with self id.

reallybadidea · 13/10/2018 09:31

Surely it is irrelevant whether society views scars differently on men or women. The only question should be whether surgery can make a difference to the appearance of the scar and you as a parent should be deciding whether the risks of surgery make it worthwhile. I don't think society's views should come into it really because a) we don't know what these will be in the future and b) it sets a dangerous precedent - maybe breast surgeons will start refusing to do post-mastectomy reconstruction surgery on women over a certain age because 'society' is less interested in their looks.

I'd definitely seek a second opinion OP.

Original poster
WishfulHope · 13/10/2018 09:36

It might not necessarily be surgery it could be treatment such as fillers etc to make the dent less noticeable. I just think it should be fair.
To the posters who mentioned my anxiety around this- thank you for your thoughts. I have seen a dr who thinks that due to my flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about the incident that I may be suffering from ptsd and I’m on a very long waiting list for treatment currently.

OP posts:
LittleCandle · 13/10/2018 09:36

I had a riding accident 6 months before I married and had a huge hole in my face. There was no talk of a plastic surgeon to stitch it up - such a thing did not exist in my local hospital. I was stitched up by the SHO who was on duty in A&E. He was a wanker (first injection of local into the point of my chin without even a nurse to hold my hand!) but did a bang up job. He should have put in internal stitches, but didn't, because he was an SHO, not a plastic surgeon. I was left with a very visible scar, albeit down the line of my cheek. It has faded a lot, but if I am ill, or very tired, it is very noticeable. I was never offered any kind of plastic surgery.

DD1 fell and split her forehead open when she was 4. It was taped together with steristrips and although it left a scar, plastic surgery was never mentioned. It is mostly hidden by her hair.

I agree, if it is a really bad scar, then something should be done, but to be honest, most scars fade with time and you get used to them. In my wedding photos, the scar is very visible. Well, so what? Nobody ever mentioned it to me, including the secondary aged kids that I had on my teaching practice just a week after the accident, when the scar was very, very red and noticeable. There again, maybe they thought I had been doing something 'cool' to get it!

user1457017537 · 13/10/2018 09:41

That’s complete bollocks! I have two sons and would insist they were treated by a cosmetic surgeon. Your poor little boy is 3 I would insist he is treated the same as a little girl.

spreadingchestnuttree · 13/10/2018 09:46

I absolutely agree that boys and girls should be given the same treatment options. It's not for the surgeon to decide scars matter to one sex and not the other.

ShackUp · 13/10/2018 09:56

OP ThanksThanksThanks must be horrendous, thinking of you

Original poster
WishfulHope · 13/10/2018 10:53

Thanks Shack.

I am going to push to see someone just want to know if there could be something done and if so what.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 13/10/2018 11:21

The surgeon would likely have been dragged over hot coals for suggesting that a similat surgery was more likely to be given to boys. This simply is sexism and needs to be challenged.

Allfednonedead · 13/10/2018 11:38

When my DSis split her forehead open age 4, my mother was baffled when our lovely but v elderly and a bit shaky GP said ‘because she’s a girl, you’d better take her to hospital’.

It took her months to work out that this was because of cosmetic considerations (and his Incipient Parkinson’s tremor). A boy he would have stitched up himself.