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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex h and new baby

75 replies

user194850 · 12/10/2018 19:12

Hi all. Don't really know where to start - I'll try the beginning but keep it short as possible!

Ex h and I split up back in 2016. He got with new partner mid 2017. We have a toddler DC together and we are still legally married - divorce is imminent.
He doesn't really talk about her much, will answer questions if asked etc etc I have no idea if she is at all involved in our ds life but I imagine she is.

This week I have found out they have recently had a baby together. No one told me (certainly not him) I found out on my own but I'm confused as to why he would keep it from me? We are no way near best mates or anything but I think we're amicable/friendly enough but it's my DS's half sibling? I understand I have no right to know, it's his life etc etc.

But atm he doesn't know yet that I know.... I have no idea if my DS has met the baby yet or anything like that - I just feel a little, I dunno, weird about the whole thing.

I feel like I'm still in shock to be perfectly honest. Should I be doing anything? Should I say anything? I'm very confused right now so Any ideas/advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
Original poster
user194850 · 12/10/2018 19:19

Also - things that he has said to me about general things in the last couple of months all seems to kind of make sense now in weird ways. I feel really stupid!!

OP posts:
WeakAsIAm · 12/10/2018 19:23

Wow that's a shitty thing to do, no I suppose you're not entitled to be told but I think out of respect it would have been the right thing to do.
What a utterly twatty thing to do hugs xx

TidyDancer · 12/10/2018 19:30

I think it's weird that he hasn't told you. I just don't understand why he would withhold that. It's a dick move.

StarsHollow123 · 12/10/2018 19:33

I can entirely understand why you're upset. How on earth are you supposed to co-parent if he doesn't tell you major things that will affect your child.

Could he be worried about the impact on the divorce? Perhaps worried that having a baby with someone else whilst you're still married would count as adultery and leave him open to a revised settlement? No idea about the legal validity of that but wondering if it might be a concern for him.

Whatever his reason, Thanks for you op

Unicornandbows · 12/10/2018 19:34

Unless he just hasn't thought about it?

I know my partners ex wife found out we were getting married via her friend. He doesn't communicate unless specifically asked a question.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 12/10/2018 19:35

He should have told you! Your DC is having to adjust to life as a sibling and the obvious co parenting thing is for him to have told you ages ago ! . He is a dick imo.

Original poster
user194850 · 12/10/2018 19:38

When we first split up, I suggested a clean break (as such) of divorce and selling our property straight away. He refused... few months ago he said to me 'i think it's time we got divorced now' HmmHmm yes like I suggested years ago. Those kinds of things. He said he would sort the divorce because I couldn't afford to do anything now. He said he will send off all the forms etc. That was 6 weeks ago - I'm still waiting!

I really just don't know why I feel so weird about it all. It's nothing to do with him, I instigated the split and have felt nothing for him since - he treated me terribly hence the separation. I don't know. I have to see him tomorrow for DS contact day I have no idea how I'm gonna keep my mouth shut Blush

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 12/10/2018 19:40

Freak him out by buying back token present for the baby from your son.

Bennyandthejetsssss · 12/10/2018 19:42

It’s disrespectful really. You have a child together who now has a sibling.

He sounds a total bellend tbh.

How is that in the best interest of his other child?

Just maybe say in future, you’d prefer to hear from him anything that may affect your child. No need to be anything other than straight about it.

I wonder what he’d say if you did the same to him?

Sorry OP. What a shock it must’ve been.Flowers

Starlight345 · 12/10/2018 19:45

Does your Ds stay overnight? Does she live with him do you know?

Is toddler talking?

Regardless yes I would think rude and disrespectful and actually as pp said how can you co parent like this

Singlenotsingle · 12/10/2018 19:47

Just congratulate him when you see him tomorrow and see how he reacts. You could ask whether it's a boy or girl, and what its name is - (or would that be a step too far?)

mamas12 · 12/10/2018 19:47

Wow I think you should invite him in if you don't normally and then tell him you know and that he and you need to tell your Dc
If only to manage their emotions

gimeallthecake · 12/10/2018 19:48

If that was me I'd hand him a gift for the baby on pickup.

That's majorly weird that he hasn't mentioned it. I think for your own peace of mind though and for your ds you should clarify if this is the case.

Original poster
user194850 · 12/10/2018 19:50

I don't see how it could not be really. It's too outing to say how I found out but I don't think there's really another explanation for it. If I confronted him I think he might deny it! Then I'd still be felt feeling crazy. DS doesn't stay overnight no. And only says a few words.

OP posts:
Thierryhenryneedisaymore · 12/10/2018 19:51

Rise above it and i agree with the poster who suggested you buy a gift from your child to his. He does sound like an idiot. Anyone who thinks this ok clearly has issues, your child now has a half sibling and he didn't bother to tell you... can't see any justifiable reason for him not to tell you. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour.

kitkatsky · 12/10/2018 19:53

Can I just say that I saw my ex cradling a baby in hospital with his gf in a hospital gown a way back and turned out it was Gf's new niece and she'd been a birthing partner for her sis and got a bit messy in the process! I believe that ex was too hopeless to bring her a change of clothes! You might have more conclusive evidence, but just wanted to say it might not be as bad as you think?

Original poster
user194850 · 12/10/2018 19:58

@kitkatsky I do get that - totally. And I've been battling with is it true myself. It is picture related how I found out - similar to your experience. But I think there's too much evidence towards it tbh. Like I said about things he's been saying etc now it has all just kind of fallen into place In my head. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Now the baby has been born he might tell me 'officially' but I don't see why it wouldn't have been mentioned. He would've knows for at least a couple of months!!!

OP posts:
TheMonkeyMummy · 12/10/2018 20:01

I would just ask him, 'have you had another baby?' and if he said yes, give him a present for it (have it ready). Shows that you are ok about it (Even if you are secretly not. I would be weirded out if my DC had a sibling and no one had told me)

BewareOfDragons · 12/10/2018 20:03

He's a disrespectful arsehole who has put his desire to secretly gloat that 'you don't know' over the welfare of his other child with you. This should have been talked about with you, even if just a heads up so you could also field any questions from your child.

But you already know he's an arse; it's why you're getting a divorce. So I would suggest not getting sucked into his assholish game and sending a small gift with a card along with your child on his next visit to daddy for his new baby sibling.

Just a shame you won't be able to see his face when it's obvious you know and you don't appear fussed.

Original poster
user194850 · 12/10/2018 20:10

The baby is a double of my DS when he was a baby too. Sad

Fuck why is this so weird for me?!? I don't even know how I feel but it's so unusual. I can't describe it. I know it's his life and he can do what he wants but I sort of feel... angry? Disappointed? I don't know.....

OP posts:
dubmumof2 · 12/10/2018 20:12

Are you not a bit wary of him saying he will sort the divorce? Isn't the fact that he has another child not a matter that will impact upon any divorce settlement regarding property and maintenance for your DC. Not sure about UK as I'm in Ireland but is that a reason why he hasn't told you - because he wants to sort out the divorce without you being aware.....?

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 12/10/2018 20:12

I think you're entitled to be told information like that when you're parenting a child together.

dubmumof2 · 12/10/2018 20:15

BTW this is something that has a material impact on your DS, emotionally and materially. To co-parent with any integrity you have to be honest with each other about such big things really....don't you? YANBU

Original poster
user194850 · 12/10/2018 20:16

@dubmumof2 but surely wouldn't that go in his favour in that case? Surely if he has more than 1 child the amount of maintenance he has to pay would be less? Or would he have more rights to the property etc as he has more children to support? Please correct if I'm wrong I don't really understand it!!

OP posts:
Skyejuly · 12/10/2018 20:35

It happened to me. It is weird but it does get better!

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