Ex h and new baby

[user194850]

Hi all. Don't really know where to start - I'll try the beginning but keep it short as possible!

Ex h and I split up back in 2016. He got with new partner mid 2017. We have a toddler DC together and we are still legally married - divorce is imminent.
He doesn't really talk about her much, will answer questions if asked etc etc I have no idea if she is at all involved in our ds life but I imagine she is.

This week I have found out they have recently had a baby together. No one told me (certainly not him) I found out on my own but I'm confused as to why he would keep it from me? We are no way near best mates or anything but I think we're amicable/friendly enough but it's my DS's half sibling? I understand I have no right to know, it's his life etc etc.

But atm he doesn't know yet that I know.... I have no idea if my DS has met the baby yet or anything like that - I just feel a little, I dunno, weird about the whole thing.

I feel like I'm still in shock to be perfectly honest. Should I be doing anything? Should I say anything? I'm very confused right now so Any ideas/advice greatly appreciated!

He’s an idiot!

A two year old will totally notice a new baby and will have a range of emotions about this. They just won’t be able to articulate them.

I think this man needs grow up and start seeing himself as a parent and not a player!!

They're all moving in together next month, him, the gf and the baby. So my DS will spend Saturdays there will all of them

The first thing he said to me when I found out he had a new gf was 'don't worry she'll never replace you as ds's mum'

Has that been presented to you as a fait accompli?

Bit of a nerve!

Bet they've been planning to move in for longer than a month too - again huge upheaval for your child which he should have DISCUSSED with you.

And before certain posters start with the "he doesn't have to ask her permission" that's NOT what I'm saying.

But all this change WILL affect op's child and it's not unreasonable to expect him to have handled it MUCH better than this!

It sounds like he's needlessly worrying about you stopping contact with DS (eg the comment about no one will replace you, worrying about telling you etc)

Maybe he was thinking if he told you before DS met the baby there might be drama but that telling you after would mean he could say he's already met the baby and was fine with it.

He's gone about it in a really bad way, and you need to have a discussion about future transparency but it may not have been done through bad intentions. Hopefully your lack of reaction will make him realise theres no need to hide things in future.

Does she honestly think you are concerned some woman who your child sees once a week could replace you? What an idiot!!! It is insulting that he thinks you are that insecure

@Graphista yeah Defo. They've obviously had a long time to plan everything.

@Dollymixture22 That was my thought too. I was kind of thinking 'well I never even thought that you came up with that all by yourself'

The baby is literally the double of my DS I think that's the hardest part.... it's like it's him, but he's not mine it's just so odd!!!!

I've made it clear that he needs to talk to me about things that affect DS, and that in future considering his living arrangements and plans for contact days we are ALL gonna have to be adults about it because I will need to know where DS is spending his time and who with etc because that's just gonna have to be the way it is.

I told him several times I don't understand why he kept it from me and he just said 'I dunno It was just really hard' and I asked why tho and he was like 'dunno'

he just said 'I dunno It was just really hard' and I asked why tho and he was like 'dunno'

I can see why you're not with him anymore.

Generally I’m of the camp of if it doesn’t affect you it’s none of your business but this does have a major affect on your DS so he should have told you and morally I think you are entitled to know that your son will be sharing his dad with a sibling.

I’d be angry. You can’t co parent effectively if you are keeping important information from the other parent.

@SandyY2K yep and that was him at chatty!!!!

I suppose anger is a small part f how I feel - that he kept something so big that affects our DS so much from me.

The rest of me literally has that sinking can't eat type feeling alto I do feel a lot better now I've spoken to him about it and everything is out in the open. Tbh I know I ABU for that I have no reason to feel like it but I do!

He has been an idiot. He sounds like he's overthinking everything and burying his head in the sand.

Tell him you won't be bothered about what he gets up to in his life as long as he doesn't hurt your son. Tell him you only need to know things like that in case your son is upset.

Its completely weird and he sounds so childish. I have three children with my husband, he has an older child with his ex, she also has other children with her partner too. When I've been pregnant we've always made sure she's been one of the first to know, when she's been pregnant she's spoken to us. When the babies have been born she got us a gift, we did the same. Weare by no means friends but all adults and parents involved in a child's life. It just sounds like your ex is a very lazy man tbh

YANBU at all to feel the way you do OP. You’ve had a bizarre and really unsettling couple of days and your relationship with your ex isn’t what you thought it was, which will also have put you off kilter.

I can’t understand his attitude at all. He’s completely gutless, sneaky, dishonest and weird.

Take your time getting used to what you’ve found out and just play it by ear. He’s been incredibly insulting by suggesting you’d keep your child from seeing their dad and the ridiculous comment about not being replaced takes the biscuit. I’m so sorry

@Keepingupwiththejonesys that's exactly what I told him I said 'what exactly did you think I would do or say? How was a supposedly meant to react??'and he couldn't answer

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you.... I'm trying to just comprehend everything and I feel so ridiculous because apart from my link due to DS it's absolutely nothing to do with me. I keep thinking I'm overreacting but then I see the picture of the baby and I just wanna burst into tears

His new baby looking so much like ds could also be bringing back memories of when you had ds, which isn't even that long ago! And that would probably have been a time you were still happy and seemed to have a future together. Of course that's going to hurt!

I had similar dd was only 2.5 when exs ow/partner had their eldest.

I agree he's behaving immature and gutlessly! Did he really think you wouldn't find out? Was he going to tell you AT ALL that ds would be seeing him at his new home with new partner and baby? Or was he hoping you'd guess or someone else would tell you?

He's acting about 7! Thinking if he doesn't verbalise it he can pretend it's not happening - to you at least! Fingers in ears going "la la la" he needs to grow the fuck up!!

@Graphista we split up when I was still pregnant so to be fair I've never known anything different. But I guess maybe it's a little of he's doing with her what he was supposed to have done with me what we were supposed to do but that makes me sound jealous of the whole relationship and I'm really not. I just feel like something got taken away and I never got that chance but now he's swanned off living happy ever after doing it 'properly' this time

That makes even more sense! He's doing the new baby thing with her which he didn't with you, as you say.

That is hurtful. You poor thing.

Why did you split up?

@Graphista he was (and clearly still is) a compulsive liar - lying to me about everything and anything from big things like money down to little stupid things like what he's had for lunch/dinner that day! Absolutely no need for it. He wasn't nice to me at all, would ignore me for hours on end for no reason and never liked me going anywhere or doing anything. He once pretended he crashed his car for me to come from work then when I confronted him about it he just said 'well at least you're here now and not at work' I was like wtf

When I found out I was pregnant I decided I could no longer cope with a man child and a real child so I ended it. He spent months begging and perusing but then found someone else and it stopped. Hence the original refusal of divorce but now I obviously know why he wanted it so quick a few months ago!!!

What else I realised as well is they would've conceived right by DSs birthday - shortly after ex was slagging her off to me.

Also that they were having unprotected sex after 4 months - but grim really!!

Well you're definitely better off out of that mess - but that doesn't make the situation now any easier right now.

He sounds like he is a serious confrontation avoider, which is a nightmare to deal with.

All you can do is keep being a sensible, calm great mum and it will get easier to deal with your ex.

Mine used to really get to me, not heard from him for years now but last time we were in touch he sent a tirade of a text calling me all sorts. Basically because I was no longer dancing to his time nor making dd when it was against her best interests. And I realised I no longer cared what he said or thought, even if it was to other people (he posted some crap on FB too, we're not friends on FB but dd is and she told me she thought I had a right to know).

A very empowering and freeing feeling - you WILL reach that point. Promise.

It's just crazy because I've been dealing with him for 2 years now but this has kind of been sprung on me. I felt a little odd when I found out he had a gf but that feeling only lasted a couple of days now to find that he has another child so quickly has really thrown me! Doesn't feel like it's ever going to go away.

He isn't on fb but the gf is (I'm not friends with anyone to do with him on there) so no harm of that.

I can sort of see why he thought it would be weird to tell me (as it was weird for me to find out) but it still shouldn't have stopped him I just have no idea what he thought I was gonna do/say!

He assumed that you'd "kick off" even if that's not your way, probably because someone in his life (probably a parent) IS that way, but that's no excuse and not your fault.

Honestly, I found it REALLY hard when exs eldest was born, at that point I was still having to see him every weekend to hand over dd and baby was almost always there, plus dd adored her sibling and chattered away about him and became all about her baby type dolls... Not easy! But honestly I know it's tough now but it WILL get easier. Unfortunately the only real remedy was time.

@Graphista thanks.

Atm obviously I have nothing to do with the baby eg not seeing it or anything during handovers - I can only imagine how hard that must've been for you. But when they move in together I may see the baby and the gf, not sure. I don't even know if DS has met the baby yet - but I plan to ask ex, not for confrontation but I'd like to know when, because if he's seeing the baby (which he has every right to I have no problem with that) he's also seeing the gf, it being her baby - so I'd like to know, again out of courtesy but that relies on ex being truthful I guess 😐

@user194850 oh god this is all ahead of me. I separated from my partner with I was pregnant and he moved on ASAP. I'm just waiting for the news that their going to have kids of their own or get engaged. It's bad enough their playing happy families with our kids.

I hope it all goes well for you op it really is a tough time even if you have moved on emotionally. It's very hurtful to be a single parent and see the other parent live the life you wish you had.

*they're not their 

@gimeallthecake thank you... I'm over the initial shock etc now and we've talked about a few things since.

Turns out all is not happy in paradise and I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. Can't post details on here as it would be too outing but but definitely shows you don't know what's going on behind closed doors!