To ask you to unfuck my life? All advice welcome please.

[TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea]

I am currently on the road to divorcing my husband. We are the best of friends and love each other, but there is no sexual side anymore, and hasn't been for years.

He is moving out soon, DD is adjusting well to the news, absolutely no acrimony. Finances, contact etc all worked out, so all that side of things is as well as can be expected.

The things that are making me panic (in no particular order):

1. I have a long term health condition which means I am frequently tired and in pain. I have arranged a routine with my daughter which should be manageable, but am scared of having a relapse. My family and STBEH have all said they will help, and I know they will, but the what ifs keep worrying me e.g. what if I am in too much pain to cook?

2. My daughter is going to be undergoing assessment for Aspergers Syndrome. School and family are very supportive, and we will work together to help her. I feel bad for DD, that the things that currently cause her to meltdown are not going to be grown out of, as I had previously thought.

3. I have met someone else. He is lovely. We talk every day both on the phone and over Skype. We have visited each other, and there are definite feelings there. So much so, that he wants to move up north nearer me from where he currently lives.

He told me the other day about the depression he had for several years following a relationship break up and an illness. Whilst in the grips of this, he didn't keep track of his finances, despite having previously done so.

It worried me because even though he wasnt like that before he was unwell, I have a fear of being poor.

He is taking positive steps to resolve his issues and is now in the right place to do so.

So should I worry at all? I know he certainly isnt after my cash as I haven't got any!

4. I have wasted several years being unwell, and want to get my life back. Any ideas how to do this in a way that isn't physically exerting?

5. I have a young dog. We used puppy pads to train him. He is great at going on them, and will go for a poo outside if it isn't raining. He is rubbish at going out for a wee though. How do we move him on from puppy pads to going outside all the time?

We are arranging a dog walker for when I am too unwell to walk him, so I just need his toileting sorted. Though he does bark sometimes and try to lick my daughter which she hates. Can we train him out of this? I hate the idea of rehoming a much loved pet.

I would be so grateful for any advice. Sorry in advance for any typos!

The new man I would be wary of, depression is not a good thing to have in your life.

I would most definitely find the dog a new home.

Quick poll - thanks for replying. I have had depression myself so am ok with that. It was more that he is so proactive in general that I couldn't imagine himself getting into a mess. Yet he did. It just shocked me a bit as it isn't who he is now. I do know what you are saying though.

Why would you rehome the dog, if you don't mind me asking? It feels heartbreaking.

Good gracious - what a lot of things you have going on. I dont know about some of the things you put but...

1. I would set up a network of friend and family arrangements that only are to kick in when you absolutely need them to. Try not to use this network when you are well and hopefully this way you wont feel you are putting on your family and friends too much which may prevent you from asking when you do need it. Also I would get some easy put together food for when you cant cook. How old is DD? If shes over 6 she could help reach things down for you or learn how to break an egg into a bowl for example. Experiment while you are well and make a separate cupboard or freezer shelf just for this.

1. Take things with the new man verrry slowly. There is no rush and actually I would be wary about someone who is willing to give it all up and move for someone they know only slightly. He may not be after your money but he may be a drain on your inner resources.

I dont know about dogs or aspergers enough to give advice but there are many here who do and they will be along soon.

Thanks Parisbun, those are really good points to bear in mind.

Could your husband keep the dog? It doesn't sound as though you're able to take care of him without spending a lot of money.

I would be VERY wary of this guy. How often have you actually met him? I wonder whether he thinks he's going to move in with you soon.

When you say you've wasted years being ill, what do you mean? If you're ill, you can't help that.

Sorry I can't help with all of the issues OP - but what happens if you can't cook as ill. Why not just get in some ready meals (e.g. chicken tikka masala, duck and noodles) and DD can bung it in the microwave.

I am really not sure having another man in your life at this stage with everything that's going on is wise. Don't get pushed further and faster than you want to be. Perhaps concentrate on sorting out your DD and a few other things first.

Re the puppy - after he eats or wakes or every couple of hours he goes outside until he does a wee, then you praise him, then he can come in. Otherwise he stays out - it's hard work but the only way in my experience.

Hollow - I suggested that to my husband about keeping the dog, but he starts work really early, and the poor dog would be in the house all day.

When I am feeling well enough, I can walk the dog, but there may be some nights I can't. My ex has said he will then pop round and do so, and in emergencies, a family friend does cheap dog walking.

I would give the dog up if it was a better life for him, I am just worried as he is so close to me and I can't imagine him settling elsewhere.

Re the new bloke....I have been down to stay with him for long weekends, he has been up to stay in my area for a week and is coming up next week.

He is planning on looking at rentals here and I have told him it would be a good while before I let anyone move in. And anything like that would be done at my daughter's pace, not mine or his.

We have really fallen for each other but the rose tinted glasses have come off from my side I think.

1. When you feel well, bulk cook so you have meals in the freezer. Worst case scenario, online supermarket shopping order and your DD will be fine with easy to heat up meals for a while.

1. I would write a list of any specific concerns you have regarding this to discuss with school and anybody else involved.

1. I would see how things go but don’t let him move in with you when he moves up to be closer and certainly don’t feel guilty if he moves up and then things don’t work out. Just go very slowly.

1. A local book club or something like crocheting etc?

1. I would have a chat to your vet and see if they are able to recommend any local dog trainers who can meet up with you to help. A dog walker for when you need it is a great idea. As someone else who has long term chronic illnesses, please don’t underestimate how much pets can bring to your life when you feel unwell or too exhausted to do much.

Keep new man at a healthy distance for now. I only see my boyfriend every other weekend when kids at their dads, it's been that way for a year, separated from XH for 2, but that's appropriate and sufficient for me and my kids who know he exists but have only met him a couple of times. Enough for some adult down time but not leaping from frying pan into a fire.

I love him dearly but my priority has been keeping things level for kids, upping my hours to buy xh out of house and getting my head straight. There is no rush and you need to keep control. If he's crap with money be super wary.

It's terrifying prospect coping alone even if you didn't get on with your xh but you'll get in the swing of things and develop your own routines and coping mechanisms which may well be much lower stress than your current ones.

Sounds like you have support from family and change. That's great. That's your backup.

Puppy... No idea!

Sounds like you've thought through the flash points and have your head screwed on. I'm sure you will be fine.

Did you meet this guy online?

What would worry me is that he's had years of depression and that he was very bad with money. Honestly, I think life is hard enough. (And my ex husband had depression for years - it severely affected me, too. I wouldn't go through that again.)

My post should read

1. I would have a chat to your vet and see if they are able to recommend any local dog trainers who can meet up with you to help. A dog walker for when you need it is a great idea. As someone else who has long term chronic illnesses, please don’t underestimate how much joy pets can bring to your life when you feel unwell or too exhausted to do much.

I guess I feel I have wasted years...by not doing the best for my body whilst ill. Not eating healthily and prioritising sleep etc. And now I both need and want to.

BlueJava....I totally forgot about ready meals! Good plan!

I wont let myself be pushed along by my chap. He is totally happy to take things at my speed.

My only concern is that I go from being in one relationship to then another, with no time to just be me in between. But then he is the best man I have ever met and it is spooky how much we have in common (I let him do all the talking re this so that he couldn't just mirror my likes).

Blue - thanks for the puppy advice. Will do that

what if I am in too much pain to cook?
How old is dd? Is she old enough to cook a meal sometimes? I can understand that you wouldn't want to put too much responsibility on her, but cooking is a useful skill to acquire. And keep stocked up with eggs, potatoes, tinned stuff, so you always have the makings of a quick meal.

I have wasted several years being unwell, and want to get my life back. Any ideas how to do this in a way that isn't physically exerting?
Take up some kind of studying, either by online study, or if your health permits, enrolling for classes, for the personal contact.

Take up something creative - painting, writing, needlecraft, for example - and maybe find a group to join.

When you're well enough to go for walks, maybe photography could be a new interest.

I agree about taking things slowly with the new man.

Can you talk to your GP about accessing local support services?

Eg I have lupus - I know in my area I could ask for a Homestart volunteer to help with entertaining the children/cleaning/etc, and I could see an occupational therapist and get advice and equipment eg modified kettle, stair rails, etc to make it easier to manage at home.

(I haven’t needed either of these so far, so don’t know the details I’m afraid).

Teach your dd to cook. Its not an overnight solution but it will help medium term.

Be very wary of mr new guy. Are you really in the right place for a new relationship?

Give the dog to your ex.

Dog can be great comfort to you and make you go out even when you don’t feel like it. If dog pees outside reward him hugely every time, that is how you train even small puppies and it works.
Don’t worry about what will be - right now you are fine so live today and don’t agonise over something that may happen.
You have people willing to help if needed and that is so important.

Lots of good advice already!

Meals - batch cook when you're well and freeze portions, keep stocks of 'easy' ingredients to make a healthy(ish) meal - ie. passata, some canned or frozen veg and pasta can make a quick and easy meal - or frozen chicken fillets/veg again can make meals you can just stick in the oven. Or ready meals if you don't have the energy at all.

Dog - consult a dog trainer, the toileting is not an issue that you can't overcome with some proper help

Daughter - try not to panic - having an assessment means she should get support and you can manage her condition and learn how to work with it. Knowledge is power and it will be ok!

New man - I would just take it slow and keep finances separate for a long time. Even if he moves near you he won't be moving in for a time (and it's up to you if he ever does) so just work on getting to know him and keep things separate until you get to a point where you feel comfortable. And if you don't / that's ok too.

Spotting - all of those are brilliant bits of advice that I will take onboard for sure. My little dog is a joy, and he makes me feel safe as it is going to be me and my daughter. He has a bark much louder than his size!

Thanks Talith. I can see us being happily together yet apart for quite a while too!

People that have mentionned his depression and finances. He was always a ridiculously high earner so didn't ever have to worry much, then had an accident a couple of years ago, and was unable to work. The depression followed this and his partner of 20 years dumping him. He had to move. Too many savings for claiming benefits. Doesnt know his way around the benefits system etc now he has less in the bank.

He isn't depressed now, and is facing up to what to do next re finances. He credits me with yanking him out if his rut. I get that to a point - I am an ex psychiatric nurse so rut yanking is my thing! But also, what if he moved up and it doesn't work out? But then we will only know if he does move up! Gah!

Oh, DD is 8 for those asking. And health thing is fibromyalgia and ME.

You'll have to retrain dog to go outside as it currently see's the pads as the right place to toilet and its more pleasant than going outdoors. This is the problem with using puppy pads as its adding more complexity to process.
I've housetrained my adult rescues that had always lived in kennels in similar way to puppy I.e take outside on lead very frequently so are there to praise/treat when goes & can introduce toilet command if want. You'll need to watch like a hawk for signs they may want to go, restless, circling & going to where mat would be. Could try putting used mat outside to start for scent.

Its lot of effort early on but should have bit more bladder control than young puppy by now and as they start to understand can reduce frequency of the outings.

How does new man support himself?

How does new man plan to support himself when he moves?

With the dog we just moved the newspapeer we used closer and closer to the door used to go outside and eventually she got the message that wees went outside and you hold onto it until we let you out sort of thing - she was about 6 mths when all accidents stopped. What sort of dog is she? Do you have a mobility scooter - is this an option for dogwalking/getting out etc.

With regard food at 4 my daughter could bake cakes bar getting them in and out of the oven. You don't say what age your DD is but occasionally beans on toast with cheese is OK for tea and easy for a child to learn how to do. You have very specific circumstances so it would be worth training her to manage a couple of different meals and is something you can do together as well. By doing it regularly she is helping you not get so tired so its worth doing it to be a normal thing for her once or twice a week to do tea.

My DD drom around age 10 cooked stuff - she liked baking so we had done all that and we then started on savoury

she can now do

Cheesy pasta with from scratch sauce, but you can buy packets
Scrambled egg and bacon with toast
Packet mix chicken and mushroom meal with rice (we do ours in the microwave in a rice cooker (www.google.com/search?q=plastic+rice+cooker+for+microwave&client=firefox-b&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwit0reFroHeAhVMCMAKHU9PDGUQ_AUIDygC&biw=1366&bih=632 these are all variations on that theme for the rice cooker)
Curry from a jar
Bolognaise from scratch
She can prep veg - but you could get frozen mixed veg no problem again microwaveable
Pancakes including really fluffy Jamie Oliver ones where he whips the egg whites
Soups - just reheat tins but dead easy and warming and filling for say lunch on sat/sun
Toasties on the Aga top without burning herself but again with a toastie maker there are loads of fillings that are good
Baked potatoes - helps we have an Aga as you put them in and take them out an hr and a quarter later and all is done, but she sorts beans and cheese for them too.

I have to say the washing up leaves something to be desired but we are sorting a new dishwasher this month so hopefully that will help

For other areas of life sort out what your preferred washer wash is and again teach DD to put a load on - shove it in, add detergent and switch on.

All this stuff will help her in the rest of her life and if you make it normal now hopefully Kevin the teenager won't emerge.

I also am a big fan of slow cookers as when you are feeling good (usually for me in the am) you load it up and turn on then when it comes to tea time all is done pretty much and there is no great effort needed before eating.

Use home del shopping - sure you miss out on reductions but its then all set up for when things are not so good

IF you are good with routines sort one out for cleaning that is little and often and builds up to doing all of it over one to two weeks - this is something DD can help with too, you can ddo tricky or chemically stuff but basic dusting and wiping and even hoovering and sweeping kids can do too

MissLingos - brilliant ideas, thank you!

Werewolf - I have had occ health assessment but didnt know about Homestart. That is a fab idea! Thank you.

Barbarian - good points, thank you. Will be wary. Sadly ex cant have dog except for weekends, its more the training thing I need to get sorted really.

Bernini - that is so true. And because Ex and I get on brilliantly, at least our families won't be spit. Our mums have phoned eaxh other to check they can stay friends which was lovely. So I do feel very loved and looked after. Just slim on mates after being really ill for a couple of years.