To ask you to unfuck my life? All advice welcome please.

[TetleysSurpassesYorkshireTea]

I am currently on the road to divorcing my husband. We are the best of friends and love each other, but there is no sexual side anymore, and hasn't been for years.

He is moving out soon, DD is adjusting well to the news, absolutely no acrimony. Finances, contact etc all worked out, so all that side of things is as well as can be expected.

The things that are making me panic (in no particular order):

1. I have a long term health condition which means I am frequently tired and in pain. I have arranged a routine with my daughter which should be manageable, but am scared of having a relapse. My family and STBEH have all said they will help, and I know they will, but the what ifs keep worrying me e.g. what if I am in too much pain to cook?

2. My daughter is going to be undergoing assessment for Aspergers Syndrome. School and family are very supportive, and we will work together to help her. I feel bad for DD, that the things that currently cause her to meltdown are not going to be grown out of, as I had previously thought.

3. I have met someone else. He is lovely. We talk every day both on the phone and over Skype. We have visited each other, and there are definite feelings there. So much so, that he wants to move up north nearer me from where he currently lives.

He told me the other day about the depression he had for several years following a relationship break up and an illness. Whilst in the grips of this, he didn't keep track of his finances, despite having previously done so.

It worried me because even though he wasnt like that before he was unwell, I have a fear of being poor.

He is taking positive steps to resolve his issues and is now in the right place to do so.

So should I worry at all? I know he certainly isnt after my cash as I haven't got any!

4. I have wasted several years being unwell, and want to get my life back. Any ideas how to do this in a way that isn't physically exerting?

5. I have a young dog. We used puppy pads to train him. He is great at going on them, and will go for a poo outside if it isn't raining. He is rubbish at going out for a wee though. How do we move him on from puppy pads to going outside all the time?

We are arranging a dog walker for when I am too unwell to walk him, so I just need his toileting sorted. Though he does bark sometimes and try to lick my daughter which she hates. Can we train him out of this? I hate the idea of rehoming a much loved pet.

I would be so grateful for any advice. Sorry in advance for any typos!

Ellesar - wonderful advice. Thank you So very much.

Scatty - I will put a used pad outside. Great idea.

Chink - he is unable to work so will have to claim ESA I suppose. And PIP probably. I have told him that he isn't moving anywhere near me until he has sorted his finances and then kept to within a budget for 6 months at least. And he knows that long term, we may keep on both houses anyway.

RB68 - that's great. Stealing all that advice!

he is unable to work so will have to claim ESA I suppose. And PIP probably

How is he supporting himself now though?

And do you own your own property?

Sorry for intrusive questions but would need to know in order to offer appropriate advice.

Chink - up until now he has been living off savings for a few years. They are now running down so he has been thinking of getting a job, but I think he is too physically unwell. Unfortunately, he claimed ESA and was a typical stiff upper lip with the questions, doesn't like to make a fuss etc, so they ended up not awarding it. Hence living off savings.

I own my home, it is mortgaged, not much equity. On benefits. There is nothing for him to fleece from me, and he is the type who is too proud to take from anyone anyway. It has taken a week of bollocking and cajoling to get him to agree to look at benefits again rather than work which will physically wreck him.

He will be very all right in about 18 months when his pension lump sums become available. So its until then that he needs to maximise his income.

Not posting to offer advice as such, just wanted to say it doesn’t sound like you’ve fucked up your life at all. Sounds like you’ve done well to maintain a good relationship with your ex whilst doing your best in difficult circumstances. Don’t give yourself a hard time!

I see. Thanks.

Things to think about then:

He might struggle to find a landlord that will rent to him without a source of income or evidence of substantial savings.

If he has not been earning or receiving any benefits for some years he is likely to be short of NI contributions when it comes to state pension age.

It may affect your benefits [I'm not sure but do check] if he even stays over at yours only occasionally.

As to getting yourself back into the swing of things - it sounds as though you have an illness that means that some days you could manage some work, others not. As many, many people have found this is a bar to regular employment.

If you're allowed to earn a certain amount as well as receiving your benefit [again, do check] might it be worth looking at ebay selling or something similar?

Good luck, and be careful.

OP, my understanding of Home Start is that you have to have at least one child in the family who is under the age of 5. Check your area, but I expect it is the same.

Pleather - thank you. That really does mean a lot.

Thanks Chink. I have told him that if getting a foot over my door makes me worse off, he can forget it!

He is desperate to prove that he is responsible enough to make a life with me and DD. But proof is exactly what I will need. And time.

Ebaying is a genius idea! I am sorting my own stuff for sale anyway.

Thanks Leeds. It might be an idea for me to find out about groups that meet for fibro or disabilities or whatever, so that could still help.

Ok, op, I'm going to be contentious here.
You have a health condition that mean you can't sustain employment, and sometimes struggle with the practical side of parenting yet you are cheerfully embarking on becoming a lone parent with a SN child who has and may always have violent meltdowns. This is not going to be 'getting your life back'

You have a fear of being poor, but are expecting to live on benefits and pay a mortgage. Have you read the UC threads? the benefits threads? You seem to be trading financial security for insecurity. The thing about being a lone parent is that everything is down to you. If you can't do it, it doesn't get done. And yet you are ending a relationship that you say yourself has a lot going for it.

Now bearing all this in mind, from the outside the best way to unfuck up your life would seem to be to try to rekindle things with your husband rather than to start a new relationship with this periodically depressed, crap with money new man who is looking to mover closer to you after a few weekends together.

You don't say who initiated the divorce, by the way

The OP is going to be a single parent, not a lone parent. Not quite the same.

Missy - when you put it like that, it does sound very gloomy. Sadly, the marriage ending is entirely mutual so I am not sure what you would have me do?

We have tried to make it work for over three years. Counselling and the lot. It is a crying shame but it is what it is.

I won't be poor on benefits. I will be getting generous child support, and enough benefits to live on. My mortgage is cheaper than any rents in the area.

At no.point have I said that DD's meltdowns are violent! They never have been. She is very high functioning.

@BarbarianMum is quite right. I am not a lone parent. My daughter has an excellent father who would never see either her or me go without. I married one of the good guys in life. He is still a good guy and is an excellent husband......for someone else! He is my family and always will be, but husband...no. And he feels the same.

Sorry @missymayhemsmum I should have tagged you into the above reply.

Sorry to sound gloomy, I hope all goes well for you