To be irritated by wanky and pretentious restaurant terminology?

[ManicUnicorn]

I should start by saying I love food and eating out, it's one of life's great pleasures IMO. But I'm finding myself increasingly irritated by restaurants using pretentious and fancy names for stuff and trying to dress things up as more exotic than they actually are.

A new restaurant has just opened here and I was looking at their Christmas menu earlier, and amongst lots of the wankery on there one of the deserts really stood out 'Rich orchard apples in crumble with creme anglais'... so that'll be apple crumble and custard then? Why not just say what it is? A hearty and much loved traditional British pudding that's been enjoyed for years, you don't need to dress it up as anything else! Oh and there's so much 'jus' on there as well, it's just fucking gravy for Christ's sake!

It reminds me of when I went out for a Christmas meal a few years ago. Set menu, and were all wondering what the hell one the starters was. Someone googled it and guess what? It was just a fancy name for soup.

I don't know if I'm just a bit common but I think there's something so pretentious about this kind of thing. Food is food at the end of the day.

I feel like this thread is a personal attack on Heston Blumenthal

The ingredient listing is to cover their backs though. The amount of allergies that customers don't make you aware of are quite dangerous. We have a catering business. And when you spend good money on food a nice description makes it feel a bit more special instead of just fish and chips etc....

You mean Bloomin' Hestonthal?( as we call him in this house.)

Foodies to left of me, others to the right,

Here I am, in the middle with you!

pan fried annoys me. What else would you fry it in?

ILs are all foodies, I'm a horrifically bad cook so pretty much hate talking food. We were at theirs for dinner and they were talking about pan frying cod and rustic chunky chips and the fussiest of my kids looked panicked and said 'I had a lot to eat earlier, I'm not very hungry' to which I replied without thinking 'it's okay, they're just talking about fish fingers and chips really.' I have never shrivelled so quickly under people's dirty looks but my son was very relieved!!

by the way both dh and IL's talk about 'plating up.' I will never stop laughing as it reminds me of Masterchef!!!

Blimey if it bothers you so much save your money and eat at home! No doubt if it wasn't the restaurant terminology that's whipped you up into this frenzy it would be something equally as unimportant!!! Jesus get a life!

DH's pet hate is flowery shit on food and mine is when they paint sauce on a plate, especially chocolate. Poo on a plate!
We once went to a place where the descriptions were overly simple but the food was delish! I think one of the dishes was just 'carrots and goat's cheese' or some such and turned out to be heritage carrots in a sweet glaze with a lovely creamy goat's cheese crumbled over and a nice dressing.

even worse is just serving the main item with nothing else on the plate, we went to a local Italian for valentines night i ordered the chicken in a sauce, and that is exactly what i got a chicken breast in a sauce, no salad or pasta with it and as this was a set menu it didnt say that was all you got lets put it like this they closed down about three months later

Wonder what the menu is at the Royal Wedding do!

Guesses?

I hate a pretentious menu. However this thread reminds of me the menu from the restaurant Adrian Mole works at in the cappuccino year. It was a traditional English no nonsense menu

Heinz Tomato Soup,
(with white bread floaters)
Grey Lamb Chops
Boiled Cabbage avec Dan Quayle Potatoes
Dark Brown onion gravy

Spotted Dick à la Clinton
Bird's Eye Custard

Cheddar Cheese, Cream Crackers
Nescafé
After Eight Mint

The skin in the custard costs extra and the restaurant is booked up for months.

Hand cut/chopped' anying is just absurd. What else are you gong to chop or cut anything up with? Your arse?

Well, chips for example will often be cut by a potato chipper. So handcut is used to suggest it's not a mass catered product. The method of cutting is unlikely to affect the taste though!

Wankiest Ive ever seen was in Australia - half a paragraph for each item, all lovingly hand cut, caressingly hand picked at dawn by vestal virgins and washed in crystal mountain streams, etc....

I ordered some 'rind washed' cheese described in similar mouthfuls of purple prose, and when it arrived, it was literally a one inch square of cheese just plonked on a plate with nothing else. Have to admit I burst out laughing.

Some food writer once wrote a piece sending up purple foodie prose, and added that he'd recently been at a new restaurant where before taking the order the waiter said he wanted to 'explain our concept to you.'

Food writer replied, 'I'll explain my 'concept' to you. I'm hungry - I want to eat!'

A bit mean telling us to get a life. We're just chatting

Ooh arse cut chips would be perfect for cheese chips or chips n gravy. You know, when you get more than five or six in a portion.

It's a main course and I paid more than £15 quid for it, I want to feel FULL after eating, thanks.

The don't go to a Michelin starred restaurant or a high end restaurant. Their portion size will not be to your taste.

Hand cut/chopped' anying is just absurd. What else are you gong to chop or cut anything up with? Your arse?

Lots of veg is bought in bulk pre peeled and chopped

I used to go to a pub that served good food, on plates.
Then the owner began a relationship and the menu changed, think he was persuaded to go upmarket, big mistake.

The good stuff was no longer on the menu, then the plates changed to slate and little bloody shopping trolleys where the chips fell out of the bottom.

Then the vegetarian choices changed and were horrible. Tiramisu appeared on the menu which was good, and finally something nice, until it arrived in a beer glass, all smashed up.

I gave up.

But if it's wonderful fish and chips, restaurateur who posted, it WILL be special. You don't need to give it a wanky name

I love cheese on slate. I hate deconstructed things. I also love being told the 'concept' as long as a) it's not getting cold and b) I'm allowed ketchup if I want it!

What irritates me is when you have a teaspoonful of sauce dotted around the plate so that you just have the briefest taste. If I've paid for that dinner I want more of it! What would stop them from giving you a little jug of sauce as well?

I come over all stabby when I see the word enrobed on a menu.

Even worse than the lack of pound signs on the price is the use of numbers fully spelled out. For example:
One course: Twenty five
Two courses: Thirty five
Three courses: Forty five

Now that is wanky.

I’m a sucker for a wanky Michelin tasting menu but the singularly worst thing I’ve ever ate was mayonnaise panacotta! It was as grim as it sounds, fecking ate it all at that price though!

I don’t even like the fact that McDonald’s says “regular fries” instead of “small chips”.

I was looking for somewhere to take clients for lunch. A very nice country house hotel had 'textures of carrots' on the menu. I chose a little pub by the harbour instead. The food was honestly described, freshly cooked and lovely.