Aibu to be upset, dad not paying

[WibbleWobblebumbum]

Name changed. I’ll give you background for context and so as not to be accused of drip feeding. I am early 40s and work part time in a call centre. I got a postgrad degree in law but soon got pregnant at 23 to someone who turned out to be an abusive loser. My family is very religious and an ‘unwed mum’ didn’t go down well. We split up when dd was 4, and I’ve since remarried to someone also not so great and we have children and step children together. My career never got anywhere and I’m pretty much a disappointment to my parents. Aunt so and so takes great delight in saying ‘they paid so much for private school for you but it all was money down the drain’.

My parents divorced when I was in my 30s, my mum still works as a care worker and my dad moved to Australia. He has a ‘trophy wife’ my age and kids. A couple of my siblings are over there doing well in professional careers. My sister and I in England are ‘the deadbeats’ with no career and partners who are blue collar/retail etc.

My dad is kind of a big deal in business. Not Richard Branson level, but more of ‘cornered the market in traffic lights’. They take several foreign holidays a year, instagram house with a kitchen island, horse riding etc.

Now the issue is my sister in Australia is getting married we’ve saved up for tickets. For accommodation we will need air bnb. We are a large family and the spare rooms in the houses are already ‘booked’ for elderly great aunt Beryl so we will need to pay. Fine.

My dad has just said I need to pay for something quite specific and outing but I’ll say it’s a visa and I need to cough up 200. We are already stretched to our limit with the plane tickets. Dad said he’s got nothing to spare due to paying for the wedding. He keeps asking when I’m sending the money. It will be when dh can get an extra shift [santa]

He keeps saying ‘Oh money’s so tight’ but his wife was on instagram at a Michelin starred place two weeks ago.

I know I’m an adult but aibu to feel bitter about being asked to pay what is more than 25% of my take home pay, when to dad it’s peanuts.

That was meant to be a sad face, not a Santa hat emoji.

Can you decline to pay or is it your responsibility? What would happen if you didn't?

Do you want to go? You haven't really said.

Depends... is it something required for you to actually attend the wedding? Or is it something unecessary he has bought and asked you to pay for? If the latter YANBU. If the former, you are. Sorry but regardless of how much money someone has it isn't an automatic meal ticket gor you.

Yeah you need to pay your own costs regardless of if he’s shitting money or not, you’re not his responsibility anymore.
If the whole family out there are so down on you and think you’re a deadbeat why are you even giving them the time of day?
I’d be telling them to shove their wedding up their arses and spending my savings on a dream holiday far far away from these cunts.

It depends whether that expense is part of your trip to Aus or if it is something for someone else.
If it’s part of your cost, then it’s down to you to cover it, but also down to you to choose not to go if you can’t afford it. There is no reason to bankrupt yourself going to someone else’s wedding.
Are you sure you want to go. It doesn’t sound much fun with people treating you like a poor relation.

Do you have to go?

You’re 40 so obviously should not expect your parents to pay for anything, but neither can they expect you to pay for anything! Did you agree to contribute to whatever the £200 is for without duress? Do you actually want to go?

Why have you agreed to pay for your share of something you can’t afford?

You don’t sound very happy with the way your life has ended up, but it’s not your dads fault.

If you can’t afford to pay then be honest. If it’s going to hurt you financially then don’t do it. They may not be happy about it, but it sounds like they will cope.

I don’t know why your wasting your money when it sounds like you don’t want to go

Who is the ‘Visa’ for? If it’s for you and essential for the trip then you should pay for it.
If it’s a fancy add on that you don’t want or need then just say no thanks don’t want it.

I’d just say that with flights, accommodation, outfits etc it has left you without this money they want & you don’t have the level of income they do so please stop hassling as you won’t repay it any quick as you need to literally earn the amount

I do love my sister and want to go. I’m not looking forward to being the poor relation though. The cost is for an essential thing.

I just feel resentful that he knows I’m struggling and he still wants me to pay when it’s pennies to him.

Are you close enough to your sister to ask her why he is pushing this so much when he must know things are tight for you?

ColdCottage

I don’t want to bring this to her attention and cause a fuss and potentially cause an upset around her wedding.

I just wanted to know aib a Cheeky fucker or is how I feel understandable?

Never mind about the holiday for a moment - twenty years ago you did a post-grad in Law but now you're working in a call centre. Why don't you do something about this now, OP? You're clearly intelligent and you seem unhappy at having a low income. Would you think of retraining so that you can spend the next twenty years doing something more fulfilling?

I think it's understandable - if you don't have the money you don't have it! It's a lot of money you are shelling out for someone else's wedding. Can you not face time the wedding and save the money to better your own situation?

Is it essential for you for you to go on the trip? If so, why has you dad paid for it and not you (eg if it was a visa then you’d have paid for it when you booked your flights)?

You sound very resentful of your dad and his life. His money is his and he can enjoy spending it how he wishes including on weddings and poncy food.

You’re forty, you and your husband both have jobs. It’s up to you to work out what you can afford and then go or not depending on your available funds.

I suppose I am quite resentful. He paid the basic maintenance and on your eighteenth that was it. No help, no advice, just get on with it.

I don’t know what I could retrain in. My confidence is so low.

I totally hear where you're coming from, however I wonder would it just be 200 for you or would it be 200 for every member of your family? If it's just 200, he sounds very stingy. After all, he'll get the pleasure of seeing all of you in Oz without having to pay for flights all the way back to the UK.

Could it be that he has something against your not-so-great DH and resents paying for it? And maybe he thinks your DH should be supporting his own family?

YANBU.

Look, you would not be being cheeky if you said you cant stretch that far and call it off.
They could have spent less on the wedding to help your sister have her sister there.

i forbid you to attend this wedding!

You are not a deadbeat.

Your dad should be ashamed of himself.

Save the air fairs and put it towards a course in something....para legal? Citizens advice? Social worker?

You are NOT the poor relation!

I disagree with a lot of PPs.
Yes, you're an adult but if your own dad can't help you out financially, who can?!
I'd explain to him that money is very tight and you need to wait until next paycheck for the £200.
I'd be very resentful too.

OP you’re forty years old. You have children, step children, a job and a husband. Your father paid maintenance until you were an adult. You had the benefit of a high level of education that’s beyond many people.

You earn a low wage and yet you can still afford a holiday to Australia. That’s well beyond what most people can scrape together on poorly paid jobs and with large fanilies!

There may be things you’re unhappy about in your life. I fail to see how any of them are remotely your dad’s fault.

He’s been successful in his work, he was allowed to end an unhappy marriage, he was equally allowed to remarry (even to a younger woman ). He doesn’t owe you or your family anything.

If my sister wanted to get married in Australia I would have to decline as we couldn’t afford it. I’d be sad to miss it but I wouldn’t expect anyone to subsidise me or my family.

I would just tell him if it bothers him that much to put his hand in his pocket and pay it himself. And I would point out that if he can't afford it, how can he afford Michelin starred restaurants?

He's not a good dad anyway. Doesn't really matter if you offend him.