Aibu to be upset, dad not paying

[WibbleWobblebumbum]

Name changed. I’ll give you background for context and so as not to be accused of drip feeding. I am early 40s and work part time in a call centre. I got a postgrad degree in law but soon got pregnant at 23 to someone who turned out to be an abusive loser. My family is very religious and an ‘unwed mum’ didn’t go down well. We split up when dd was 4, and I’ve since remarried to someone also not so great and we have children and step children together. My career never got anywhere and I’m pretty much a disappointment to my parents. Aunt so and so takes great delight in saying ‘they paid so much for private school for you but it all was money down the drain’.

My parents divorced when I was in my 30s, my mum still works as a care worker and my dad moved to Australia. He has a ‘trophy wife’ my age and kids. A couple of my siblings are over there doing well in professional careers. My sister and I in England are ‘the deadbeats’ with no career and partners who are blue collar/retail etc.

My dad is kind of a big deal in business. Not Richard Branson level, but more of ‘cornered the market in traffic lights’. They take several foreign holidays a year, instagram house with a kitchen island, horse riding etc.

Now the issue is my sister in Australia is getting married we’ve saved up for tickets. For accommodation we will need air bnb. We are a large family and the spare rooms in the houses are already ‘booked’ for elderly great aunt Beryl so we will need to pay. Fine.

My dad has just said I need to pay for something quite specific and outing but I’ll say it’s a visa and I need to cough up 200. We are already stretched to our limit with the plane tickets. Dad said he’s got nothing to spare due to paying for the wedding. He keeps asking when I’m sending the money. It will be when dh can get an extra shift [santa]

He keeps saying ‘Oh money’s so tight’ but his wife was on instagram at a Michelin starred place two weeks ago.

I know I’m an adult but aibu to feel bitter about being asked to pay what is more than 25% of my take home pay, when to dad it’s peanuts.

Have you actually paid for anything so far, in terms of fares etc? Because if not, I wouldn't go. I know it's nice to go to your sister's wedding, but really, it's just an afternoon of your life and there's absolutely no point in bankrupting yourself for it.

With regard to careers - what sort of thing would you like to do if you could do anything at all?

I wouldn't expect him to pay, especially as you haven't even asked him to. However, he sounds like a deadbeat dad who dropped you and started over somewhere else. I'd personally consider him a bit of a shit and not go. Put the money towards something you'd genuinely like.

It's not his responsibility. The fact that you hate your life has no bearing on that

I wouldn't expect my father to pay, but I wouldn't go either if I could not afford it. You cut your coat to fit the cloth.

OP, how great are you going to feel at the show-off massive wedding, no holds barred on expense, of his, er daughter?

I suspect it will shock and sadden you that DF has chosen to give you 0 and is lavishing expense on another DD.

Do you really want to go?

I think you're not BU at all. He sounds like he's using it to punish you for not living the life he wanted for you. He wasn't there for you when you got involved with someone abusive, from the sound of things so no wonder you feel resentful. This isn't about money really. If it were, you would just say 'look, could you sub me until payday'. If you've managed to find the money to take a family to Oz that's more than many people spend on their own weddings. Most parents would want to help towards seeing the child and grandkids, but he's pushing you for this much smaller amount of money to prove a point. No wonder you're resentful.
I'd be tempted to phone and say 'Dad, I'm going to write you an email, it's important, when you've read it I think we should chat about it' and write to him about how it feels to have been left to your own devices when you got in a mess and to have to travel all that way at all that expense to see him and your siblings without any sense that he's delighted you're coming, wants to help you come. Point out what it says about how you feel about family that you have made this such a priority. Say whatever the other feelings are about your relationship with him, but not in an accusing way, more like 'I feel sad that..., I'm sorry that... I want it to be more...'. Is he still a Christian? He does seem to have missed the point. Several of the points, really.

That said, this is dropping a bit of a bomb in the run up to a wedding and if you can't cancel the airfares, perhaps too risky. In which case say 'Dad, you moved to the furthest place to earth to start your new family and I'm making the one making the effort. I don't have to come, but I am. We have used all or savings for this trip, I'll be able to pay you after pay day'. Many families are full of unfairness and twattery IME and it's nigh on impossible to to change it.

Reading your latest posts yes you are being cheeky and very very unreasonable. If it is something essential for the trip then pay it yourself or don't go. I don't care if your dad is a billionaire, you are an adult and he shouldn't be expected to pay for you.

Have you booked your tickets already - if not then don't. It's a huge expense to go to Aus and it would buy a wonderful holiday instead or be put towards helping you to retrain.

I don't get mumsnet. In another thread an OP is getting castigated because she won't provide round the clock childcare for her grandchild because she finds it too tiring. Here it's too much to expect a DF to help his financially strapped DD attend his other DDs wedding.

I don't know what he's expecting you to pay for so it's hard to say definitively but in principle YANBU

Rookie this is why people post reverses. Often people's reaction changes depending on who is posting and the way it's put. I suspect if the father posted "my daughter is more hard up than we are, but she's an adult with kids now, we're all paying our own way, I refuse to pay the last £200 when she is paying £5k to come out, now she says she might not come" I suspect a lot of the responses would be "she shouldn't expect it, but if you can afford it, I'd help her with the £200, it's probably not much for you but to have her there will be priceless, etc."

OP may already have paid for plane tickets.

OP, he sounds like Scrooge. I would be glad he lives in Australia so you don't often have to see smug face.

Do you have much day to day contact?

Xiowxiong - but you've altered the scenario. At no pount has OP said she's not going.

Her dad is a twat, stop pussyfooting around.

I bet the new DC get whatever they want, gratis.

I don't think it is unreasonable to be a bit upset, yes her father doesn't HAVE to help, but family are supposed to be there for each other.
She's already paying a lot to travel, at minimum I'd expect a family member who could afford it to be helping or at least at least flexible on repayment.

I don't want to be picky, but I don't follow how on the one hand he paid only basic maintenance, but on the other your aunt is saying that they paid so much for private education for you? I take it that if your mother was a care worker she couldn't pay the fees?

I don't think OP is talking about child maintenance, her parents split when she was in her 30s.

Op, most people stop receiving pocket money from their parents when they become 18 or get a part-time job. That's fine and normal, as long as the parents treat all their children equally. Does your dad treat his younger DC differently?

Just tell him you don't have the money available at the moment and you are struggling. Can pay it when you get there? If your father basically loans it to you. I think most parents who wanted their child to be present and knew they couldn't completely afford to would offer assistance if they were in a position to do so. If you tell him you are struggling then he can either offer to pay or not and then you need to decide if you can really go or not.

Personally I wouldn’t be able to stomach my dad spending God knows how many thousands on his ‘new’ daughter aka my sister when he wouldn’t dip his hand in his pocket for £200 to help me and his grandchildren attend the wedding .
On that basis alone I am saying to you don’t go.
SOME Dads are ‘ great’ at doing this- making their ‘ first’ children feel very much second best compared to their ‘ new ‘ family.
And it really really hurts - no matter how old you are.

To those posters saying that you are an adult, your father has no financial responsibility for you etc I say - would you not help YOUR children when they are grown up?? I bloody would! I would just have paid the £200 and not even asked for it - this man is your DAD ffs, you are coming 10,000 miles to come to the wedding, he’s not putting you and his grandchildren up ( shameful) and he is nagging you for two hundred pounds.

In my opinion- and this is going to hurt - but you are worth less than 200 to him. Will he and his wife be upset if you don’t go? Will you be missed? Is it worth the huge financial expense you are putting yourself to to go somewhere to be made to feel ‘less’?

You want to do something with your life - you are clearly an intelligent woman. Don’t go. Apologise, send a nice present, come up with a decent reason why you can’t go and don’t go. Don’t put yourself through the inevitable emotional and long rech8mg pain which will come from this event.
Use the money to re train- make a big change to your life which will benefit you and your whole family.

Take out the emotion - if I posted ‘ I have some money. I can spend it on a blow out holiday where I can see some family or I can use the money to re train in order to get a better paid career which will also build my self respect. It will pay much better than my current job so in X number of years we will be able to afford this holiday without worrying about every penny’
What would YOU say to that? What advice would you give?
There’s your answer.

You say he paid basic maintenance till you were 18. What does that mean if they divorced when you were in your 30s?

Also how is your sister old enough to get married if you are early 40s and he divorced your mum in your 30s? Plus all your siblings must be very young to have professional careers.

Anyway maybe you changed some details.

He might not appreciate £200 is a lot of money to you if it’s peanuts to him.

I think your dad is being tight/mean but you don’t sound close or like you have a good relationship and also that’s his prerogative if he wants to (it’s his cash and he can be as unfair with it as he likes)

Your issue from what you have written seems to be you are uncomfortable with your own life choices - you don’t sound like you like your current partner for example.
you have a degree (presumably from a decent uni) and you are part time in call centre which presumably isn’t that fulfilling either.

You also sound resentful with the he paid “the basic”.
“The basic” included a private school....
Honestly I had a similar start and don’t feel hard done by. I feel bloody lucky. I had a great education which opened a lot of doors for me.

You also sound like you don’t want to go and don’t like your family. Do you want to go?