Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who was in the wrong? Sick of 'D'H and DD gaslighting me.

51 replies

LivingWithIdiots · 11/10/2018 17:03

Settle down because its quick long - sorry!

So D for Dickhead H and I went out for lunch and a bikeride (trying out new folding bikes) this afternoon finishing up at the gym. We knew we had to be out at 3pm to do the school pickup at 3.20 for youngest DS and older DS was going to meet us to be picked up as the gym is next to his college. I told H I was going out to the car at 3 and he said he'd be out in 2 minutes.

When I got to the car, I realised he had the keys so I stood waiting with older DS. At 3.10 I called adult DD and asked her to walk down to pick up younger DS (school a 10 minute drive from gym but can be longer if traffic heavy which it usually is at that time) as H had made us late. She was not happy as she's generally not helpful and didn't have her slap on wasn't ready to leave the house. Then I went back into the gym to find H but couldn't find him, he wasn't answering phone, so started walking back to the car thinking he may have walked out without me seeing him, when I see him coming out behind me with a stupid grin on his face. So I said what the hell is he playing at and he said there was no rush as adult DD was picking up youngest DS wasn't she? He didn't know that I'd had to ring DD at that point. He made out I was making an issue out of nothing as usual and it was OK as DS (7) sometimes comes out late, no apology for keeping DS and I waiting. Its 3.18pm at this point. Obviously we were not going to get to DS's school at 3.20.

DD then calls saying she's just leaving to get DS and I tell her to hurry up as its a 5 min walk, we're now on our way but won't get in there in time. H then interjects and says we will and as DD is obviously pissed off at having to go out, I ask her how far she's got with the intention of telling her to turn back but she says she's just across the road from the school so I say as she's there she may as well get DS so he's not waiting for us as we'll be late. Surprisingly there is no traffic so H drives to the school and says he's going to get DS despite knowing DD is already there. Making a point because I was pissed off he'd made us lateHmm I expect DD and DS to jump in the car with H but he deliberately stops the car quite a way from the school and says he'll walk back with them so I can drive home as he 'doesn't want to have to look at me' . I then get a call from DD asking why the hell I asked her to pick DS up if H was going to be there and shouting about me wasting her time then she hung up on me.

I then walked in the kitchen and saw the massive mess she'd left cooking unidentified food that she burnt in a frying pan and a pot with other dirty crockery dumped on the side, hob filthy too. Kitchen was totally clean before we'd gone out. She'd also been asked to hoover around (a very rare request) which she hadn't done.

I'm still quite angry about H being a twat and DD having a go at me so when they got to the front door, I opened it and DD made to push past me in a huff so I pushed her back gently in a kind of excuse me who do you think you've been talking to kind of thing. She went nuts, pushing me back, hitting me in the chest shouting 'get your fucking hands off me, you're not laying your hands on me' going mental! DH then went nuts about her screaming and shouting and swearing, blaming me for starting it.

There were parents from DS's school walking past, who could hear everything and DS of course, who is used to DD behaving like this but still!

So who was BU?

BTW H is an absolute tool who often keeps us waiting in the car when going out, has made us late for school meetings etc. DD has had serious anger issues since puberty which I have tried again and again to get her to see the GP about. I refuse to tread on eggshells around her like H does but she is loud and I'm aware the neighbours hear her when she goes off on one.

OP posts:
LivingWithIdiots · 11/10/2018 17:11

Sorry its quite long, not quick. Accidental oxymoron there!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 11/10/2018 17:37

Why are you with this guy?

skinnysituation · 11/10/2018 17:39

How old is adult DD? Should she be thinking about finding her own place/house share?

Singlenotsingle · 11/10/2018 17:40

How old is DD ffs?

LivingWithIdiots · 11/10/2018 17:46

DD is 22. Yes she should have moved out long ago.

OP posts:
LivingWithIdiots · 11/10/2018 17:47

She's in her last year of Uni.

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 11/10/2018 17:48

Both of them need to learn some fucking respect. I suspect you’ve been too nice for too long. Time for serious chats/rockets up arses.

newplacenofriends · 11/10/2018 17:49

kick them both out. Your poor younger DS.

Fannybaws52 · 11/10/2018 17:54

At 22 she should know better! You've raised a selfish, entitled brat.

Stop taking care of her. Don't do food, laundry etc from now on and don't include her in family time until she apologises for the outburst.

Your husband is an arsehole. What does he bring to the table other than hassle? Let the pair of them move out and be selfish twats together.

Feefeetrixabelle · 11/10/2018 17:54

Adult DD can move into halls/uni accommodation. She can arrange it tomorrow. Her behaviour is unacceptable and if she ever lays her hands on you again ring the damn police.

Your H is a dickhead. See if she will take him with her. Otherwise I would be telling him his behaviour will end your relationship should he not shape up.

Pandamodium · 11/10/2018 18:01

That behaviour is shocking, I'm in my twenties and I have never and would never lay a hand on my mam.

A five minute walk to pick a sibling up is not a huge ask, at 15 I was doing the majority care of an elderly relative with dementia for 8 month while my mam had cancer treatment. She is hardly being taken advantage of or badly done too.

RyderWhiteSwan · 11/10/2018 18:14

What a selfish pair. I feel so sorry for you. Time to take back some control.

choli · 11/10/2018 18:21

Do you own your home or rent? If it is rented, I would move out by myself and leave your nasty husband and daughter to deal with themselves and with the 7 year old.

Wotrewelookinat · 11/10/2018 18:22

You need to stand up for yourself and stand up to their awful behaviour. Your DD needs to move out or learn some respect and why are you with your H? He sounds horrible.

Butterymuffin · 11/10/2018 18:23

Two things to take from this:

  • your husband and daughter are flaky unreliable arses, and while you ought to be able to ask them for help, you can't. Don't EVER rely on them to do anything. If your husband is making you late for something, leave without him.
  • The counterpart to this is that they don't deserve your help and support without a massive behaviour change. Stop doing anything you do for them, and I mean ANYTHING. They don't get to treat you like this and still have the privilege of your help.
Mumof1DS · 11/10/2018 18:27

Kick them both out for the complete lack of respect to you and DS. You and your DS deserve much better than being treated like that.
Flowers

Forgotmycoat · 11/10/2018 18:29

It seems to me that dd has learnt to be a disrespectful twat from her dad who is a disrespectful shit to you. He belittles you, keeps you waiting generally. It's no wonder dd has learnt this.

Petitepamplemousse · 11/10/2018 18:31

Their behaviour isn’t great but are you sure you just pushed her gently? Do you have form for physical contact with DD and could that have made her overreact? I’m not accusing just wondering having witnessed a similar dynamic in my family.

Fluffyears · 11/10/2018 18:32

Always have the keys and just leave without him. A few times having to get himself home he’ll shape up. Mind you i’d Leave him he sounds like a massive fanny.

Petitepamplemousse · 11/10/2018 18:33

Your H is a total dickhead indeed by the way.

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 11/10/2018 18:36

I agree with @choli move out with your 7 year old who should not be being brought up round these complete tossers. Leave them to it they are abusive twats. I thought you were going to say your daughter was 14 or 15, but 22! Time she got her shit together OP.

Thanks for you

wizzywig · 11/10/2018 18:37

I thought you were going to say your daughter is 12/13.

Tomatoesrock · 11/10/2018 18:38

Jez tell them both to get stuffed. The important thing was to be there to collect DS. If two turned up it is better than no one. I would be very pissed off with both of them. Silent treatment for starters get yourself some peace.

I would be livid with DD for her mess too. They're both immature.

penisbeakers · 11/10/2018 18:40

I'd be throwing them both out, or taking the younger one and leaving myself. What a pair of shitkettles.

TomHardysNextWife · 11/10/2018 18:40

Pack a bag for you and your DS and get the hell out of there.

Frankly they both sound an absolute nightmare, and deserve each other.

And you deserve better Flowers