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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not make my son go to his dad's?

46 replies

GraceyO · 11/10/2018 16:27

My son is 13 and enjoys his weekends gaming. He also enjoys his evenings (after finishing his homework) gaming. He has a headset (where he talks to his friends) so I don't view it as a problem.

His dad has got a bit sad/angry that he no longer wants to go to his house. I've told him that we should leave it up to our son to decide. He says that's unreasonable as if his gaming gear was at his house, he'd rather be there. I did suggest it moves to his house then (for the weekends at his dad's) but DS says absolutely not as he likes it in the evening.

Apparently I'm a shit parent, also, for not limiting his time, which will then ultimately force him to go to his dad's.

I'm unsure if I'm in the wrong here.

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 11/10/2018 16:31

Pretty bad if you view gaming as more vital to your ds in place of a df...

Walkingdeadfangirl · 11/10/2018 16:37

Why doesn't your son just take his gaming gear with him when he goes?

buscaution · 11/10/2018 16:37

Oh dear.

You should probably be encouraging contact with his father over gaming.

Fridaydreamer · 11/10/2018 16:38

I do think it’s pretty normal for kids around this age to prioritise there friends/fun over their parents. As parents we can’t take offence at that. It’s just how teen brains work - we don’t factor highly in their thoughts tbh.

His DF May need to find new ways to engage with his son now he’s getting older and his interests are changing. Forcing him to go may breed resentment until he gets older and refuses to go altogether. Not the outcome his DF will want I’m sure.

Hard but teens are super self centred I’m afraid.

MacosieAsunter · 11/10/2018 16:38

And if the boot was on the other foot and your time was impacted with your DS?

ProfessorMoody · 11/10/2018 16:39

Why can't his father get him gaming stuff for his house?

imamouseduh · 11/10/2018 16:40

YABU. Of course you are. If you even need to ask the question as to whether your son's relationship with his father takes priority over gaming, then yes, you are being a bit of a 'shit parent'.

PinkHeart5914 · 11/10/2018 16:41

Does sound like an awful lot of time on a gaming device tbh, too much. As a parent of course it’s your responsibility to limit it, I don’t know any parent that doesn’t limit it

Of course seeing dad should be encouraged over sitting on ones backside playing a video game, talking in to a headset instead of getting out doing stuff/talking to people/ meeting people

lunar1 · 11/10/2018 16:43

Don't you think it's important for him to do other things too?

I feel very sorry for any future partner he may have, you are teaching him that gaming comes before family.

Ohyesiam · 11/10/2018 16:44

Hm, gaming versus parental love. I wonder which should take priority?

Zampa · 11/10/2018 16:45

A 13 year old isn't mature enough to understand that prioritising gaming now will have a long lasting effect on his relationship with his DF. In this situation, it's up to the parents to make the decisions that benefit the child in the long run.

Of course, DF should make time spent with him fun but part of any relationship is spending time together doing mundane things.

Thatssomebadhatharry · 11/10/2018 16:46

Lanar1 has hit the nail on the head.

Your other issue is you have an addict on your hands.

AuntBeastie · 11/10/2018 16:48

Sounds like gaming is taking up too much of his time and becoming a disproportionate priority. I would be doing more to facilitate him spending time with his dad if I were you. It will be better for your son in any case than him gaming on all 7 days of the week.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 11/10/2018 16:53

Apparently I'm a shit parent, also, for not limiting his time, which will then ultimately force him to go to his dad's.

So limit it. It's not good for him to be perpetually attached to an xbox remote. Limit it so that he can maintain a relationship with his Dad.

DS1 loves gaming so his Dad had our old Xbox 360 to live at his house when we got the Xbox One; they game together and it means there's no "I don't want to gooooo" nonsense.

The job you have is a tough one because you have to help your DS maintain his relationship with his Dad, regardless of your DS' gaming preferences. If that means putting time limits on things, that's ok. Your DS doesn't need to spend all weekend gaming, he does need his Dad.

ZoeWashburne · 11/10/2018 16:53

Please read up on gaming addiction. If your son is to the point where he won't spend time with family to game every evening and all weekend- yes you do need to step in. That isn't normal.

You absolutely should be limiting his time. Would you let your son sit in front of the TV all evening and all weekend instead of going to his father's house?

Leeds2 · 11/10/2018 17:01

Personally, I would be very unhappy if my DS did nothing other than gaming and homework. I would try and widen his horizons, which could include starting a new hobby/activity with his dad.
If all else fails, couldn't he take his gaming stuff with him?

SilverHairedCat · 11/10/2018 17:08

Why does his using a headset mean you don't see his gaming as a problem?

It sounds like your son is on the console a lot. Only you know if it's too much. I'd agree it sounds like an addiction, and that you are enabling it above other activities.

That's very sad.

lexi727 · 11/10/2018 17:14

...this does not sound healthy. Your son should be able to go a weekend without gaming. You need to set a limit, and encourage him to spend time with his dad.

StressedToTheMaxx · 11/10/2018 17:24

At 13 I was about to say if he didn't want to go to his dad's then that's fine, he is old enough to decide.
But to not go because of gaming is ridiculous.
He shouldn't be spending every free second on his games Confused
If there was a genuine reason to not go to his df then support him. If not it is you role to enforce he sees both his parents.

MrsStrowman · 11/10/2018 17:27

This has got to be a reverse surely? No child should spend that long gaming, and no one, adult or child should prioritise gaming over real human relationships.

MaruMaru · 11/10/2018 17:31

I see both sides. Gaming is really important to some and if DS is working hard at school, I can see that he will want to spend his free time doing what he enjoys.
However, seeing his DF and maintaining a relationship is super important at that age- beneficial for DS himself as much as for his dad! DF needs to find a way to engage his son and ensure DS WANTS to go and spend time with him at the weekends.
I say, DF needs to get the kit and get into gaming too!!! Or get season tickets if they're into footie, or gym membership....,DS is growing up and DF needs to recognise that and adjust their relationship. Also, surely he doesn't want DS to feel like a 'visitor' at the weekend- it should be his second home where he can just hang out and do what he enjoys.

CherryPavlova · 11/10/2018 17:33

I’d not allow that’s much ‘gaming’ unless it was tennis, rugby or chess. His relationship with his father is vital as he goes through his teens. He needs a strong male role model and his father deserves to see his son.
Of course you should make him go.

Wolfiefan · 11/10/2018 17:37

You are a pretty shit parent if you allow a 13 year old completely unlimited gaming though. Confused

madcatladyforever · 11/10/2018 17:42

I think it's appalling that he is allowed to prioritise gaming to seeing a parent. I'd be so scared by that I'd be having a massive bonfire at the end of the garden with all the gaming stuff on it.
Human relationships are so important yet our children are not caring who they live with as long as they have a computer to stare at. How long before we are not needed at all.
If I had a child now (mine are grown up) not one of these devices would be allowed in my home.

AGHHHH · 11/10/2018 17:45

YABVU and I say this as a technology addict who hated going to his dad's at weekends.

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