....to dislike being a parent?

[AllesAusLiebe]

Hi

I feel awful even saying this, but is it ok to actually hate being a parent sometimes?

Son is 2 weeks old and breastfed. Over the last couple of days he’s been whining almost non stop and crying before feeding, getting so hysterical that he doesn’t latch then screaming in hunger.

I’m completely at a dead end and don’t know what to do. Breastfeeding support have been shocking to deal with and because he’s putting on weight they couldn’t care less when I tell them what else is going on.

I’m really starting to resent being a parent and every day seems like a repetitive, tedious cycle. Is it ok to feel like this from time to time or do I need help.

AIBU to ask if it gets better?

YANBU, sorry you’re having a hard time, sounds like you haven’t had good support. Hope things improve soon! For me it got better!

It’s very normal 18 years on I wouldn’t do it again given my time again

I don’t have much advice but it doesn’t sound like you dislike being a parent, you are struggling with feeding. Your baby is only 2 weeks old, you will be shattered, physically and emotionally but it will get better soon. In a few weeks you may feel like you’re in a routine and regain some normality. I find getting out and about the best thing, even if it’s just to the shops or a park. Hopefully someone else can advise and help with your feeding. Good luck.

Sorry to hear all this. It gets soooo much better I promise. For me, the first 6 weeks were horrendous, first four months pretty bad and then better and better since then. Hang in there xxx

I really enjoy my three kids but parenting when they are young is hard work, I b.c. am finding the teens a breeze in comparison.

It sounds like you are in shock from the birth and still recovering, support for post-partum mothers is essential for your mental health. You can contact Home Start and an volunteer will visit you and give you adult company and support as you begin parenting. Do you have a partner? What are they doing parenting wise?

Make friends don't be isolated OP.

Please excuse my typos!

The first six weeks are bloody hellish!!! But after that I found it a lot easier! If you have any help available; take it and get some sleep xx

You have a 2 week old and are struggling to breastfeed. Sounds like you hate breastfeeding not being a parent. I found it hard going breastfeeding at first, it's constant and exhausting. If your baby is gaining weight there isn't an awful lot a breastfeeding support person can do, I mean unless they have a tongue tie or you are worried the baby isn't latching there isn't much they can do beyond that in my experience.

I found it started to get a little easier about 3 months in, although breastfeeding is never the easy option. If you think you might find it easier why not introduce a bottle?

Sorry you are having a rough time. Having a very small baby is one of the hardest things you will ever do. We make a mistake as a society in often not acknowledging that. Don’t give up on the breastfeeding - I know it’s hard now but once feeding is well established it gives you a magic way to comfort your baby, and means you don’t have to waste heaps of time washing bottles and mixing formula. He may have some comic or reflux, so you could ask your GP about that.

Are you maybe expecting too much of yourself? This is the time to settle down on the couch with some box sets and watch TV while the baby feeds, or just wander round your neighbourhood pushing him in the buggy if he likes that. Don’t worry about tidying the house, cooking elaborate meals, etc. Try to nap whenever he drops off, as sleep deprivation makes everything seem much worse than it actually is. And remember to eat and drink yourself.

If you fear you might be getting post natal depression, absolutely tell you GP or health visitor or someone.

Thanks guys. I have a dh and he’s very keen to help but, like me, has really no idea what he’s doing. He’ll be back at work next week and I’m dreading being alone.

We introduced a bottle at night time which helped to an extent, but it’s the rest of it that I can’t stand - the constant whining and crying. He wasn’t like this until 2 days ago.

It makes me so sad because we tried for ages to have a baby and went through ivf. I was so happy when we first got home but now I feel the exact opposite and I’m starting to wonder what was so bad about my old life that I wanted to change it so radically.

IdaBWells thanks, I’ll look that up. My family are all overseas, although I do have great support from dh’s Family and here I have great friends also.

SummerInSun I think you’re right. Maybe because of our fertility problems I thought that having a child would be this fantastic experience and I’d feel totally fulfilled and complete. There is a perception that the moment one becomes a parent, you will feel a particular way.

Your baby will only be tiny for a very short period of time - this will pass, I promise. For now, just focus on getting to the 6 week mark, then it gets a bit easier. Then to the 3 month mark, and it gets even easier. Think of it like a time in your life when you’ve know you were facing a tough 3 months, eg a challenging project at work or studying for exams at school or uni.

It absolutely was worth everything you went through to have him, and he will give you huge joy. But that doesn’t mean that you will love every minute of being a parent, and it doesn’t have to. It’s real life, not a movie.

OP don't beat yourself up if you make the decision to bottle feed. To be honest, you've done two weeks bf (which is fantastic) and if you have a very hungry baby, it might make both of your lives easier to introduce a bottle. It really doesn't matter what way baby is being fed as long as he IS being fed and if switching to bottle would help your sanity then go for it.

You’re not parenting at the moment

You are sustaining the life of someone utterly helpless. That is bloody full on, emotionally and physically. It will get better

First baby generally = stress and hard work go start with. It’s an utter shock to your system and I think most people are unprepared for the relentlessness of it. Be kind to yourself. Feed the baby however you will be the most sane- whether that is breast/bottle or a mix. Ask DH/ friends/relatives to help, and don’t be afraid to admit you are finding it hard. Most people will have felt the same and will understand.

Mine is 8 months and I still hate being a parent. He’s glued to me 24/7, screams if I put him down, and won’t sleep unless he’s in my bed with me. He wants to be entertained constantly. I’m not allowed to watch tv or take a bath or read a book. I can’t have a night out or a trip to the cinema or theatre. I can’t drink because I’m breastfeeding, and even if I wasn’t, i have to stay sober because I have a child to look after. All of the enjoyable things have been sucked out of my life and all I do is care for my baby. It’s miserable and relentless. As he gets older he should be able to entertain himself more. I won’t be having another child!

I also was living overseas OP when I had my 3. What women often don't appreciate until they have a baby is how isolating it is, especially when they are small and you need to have a regular structure such as routines for eating, napping etc. So you are at the mercy of the baby's needs and can feel everyone has forgotten you have any! Western women are often very lonely with a new baby so try and be proactive OP and find local groups you can join or other mums locally.

What you are experiencing is typical and no reflection on you. Until relatively recently mum's would have a "laying in" period lasting from weeks to months where female family, friends and neighbours would come and give the new mum a lot of help and support. That way with plenty of rest it was easier to get BF established and other women could support the mother as she adapted to her new role.

I think we have it all wrong now and as soon as the baby appears the mother is abandoned! New mum's mental health is very fragile, don't forgot your body is readjusting hormone levels after a very high level of "baby growing" hormones for 9 months - it's the huge increase in hormones that causes morning sickness. Coming down from those levels can make you very vulnerable and weepy, so don't underestimate their effect in these early weeks.

xxxx

Breastfeeding has positive benefits for your mental health as it releases bonding and relaxing hormones. Once it is established it is such an easy (and free!) way to feed and comfort your baby,

I was utterly and completely clueless about babies and breastfeeding until I had my own but BFing has given me some of my happiest memories and I ended up BF all 3 for years, even though I am the most analytical cynic going!

La Leche League is a support organization of local BFing mothers. You can search online for a local group and they can give you a lot of emotional and practical support.

SputnikBear you can drink while breastfeeding in moderation! God don't deprive yourself of the odd pleasure.

OP the first couple of weeks are often a bit of a honeymoon while baby lulls you into a false sense of security, then they wake up to life as it were and become a lot fussier. The constant screaming/crying could be a sign of silent reflux though- have you looked into that? Also do you have a stretchy wrap? Carrying around a newborn is relatively easy be used they're so small and it can really help to soothe a fractious baby.

If you think there is a breastfeeding issue could you see a private lactation consultant or breastfeeding counsellor? They can be amazing!

IdaBWells what a lovely, encouraging message.

I totally agree. Don't be too hard on yourself, let your usual standards go for a few months and accept any help offered. It does get easier.

And Mumsnet is a great source of support if you're feeling isolated.

If it helped, I disliked it until about three months in. It does get better and breastfeeding is worth it in the end. Well done for getting this far. Eat lots of

Just wanted to say I also don’t think you are hating being a parent; you are an exhausted new mum of an unsettled baby who is still getting the hang of feeding. Is it possible he is already very hungry by the time he’s trying to latch and so getting abit beside himself? Establishing breastfeeding is incredibly hard, it gets so much easier. Him crying doesn’t mean you aren’t doing well; all babies cry lots, you are doing a great job and you are both still getting to know each other.

It’s also very normal to have a crisis about your new vs old life, don’t worry! You sound really tired and overwhelmed and I remember that feeling too. Just try to hang in there for a few more weeks until you get your first smile. That can really help!

With my first, colic started at about week two and lasted for 8 weeks. It was awful. I got through it by remembering that she was probably feeling worse than me and by figuring out what my soothe her. Amazingly, lying her on my lap with her head at my knees and her feet in my face helped me discover - that she loved a foot rub. I used to press my thumb against the ball of her foot and it was like a switch. A miracle. (Didn't work on my next two though!)
You are in your very early days and it's a HUGE shock to suddenly have a baby, no matter if s/he is quiet or crying. Give yourself some time.

I've just thought... you mentioned he's only been whining and crying a lot for the last 2 days.

There's a very good book called "The Wonder Weeks" which explains the various "leaps" that babies go through in their development. It's normal for babies to have a few days of being fussy and clingy while they go through these leaps.

I don't have my book anymore and I can't remember if there's a leap at around 2 weeks, but I found it really helped when I was beginning to despair, just to know that it was temporary and would pass in a few days.