....to dislike being a parent?

[AllesAusLiebe]

Hi

I feel awful even saying this, but is it ok to actually hate being a parent sometimes?

Son is 2 weeks old and breastfed. Over the last couple of days he’s been whining almost non stop and crying before feeding, getting so hysterical that he doesn’t latch then screaming in hunger.

I’m completely at a dead end and don’t know what to do. Breastfeeding support have been shocking to deal with and because he’s putting on weight they couldn’t care less when I tell them what else is going on.

I’m really starting to resent being a parent and every day seems like a repetitive, tedious cycle. Is it ok to feel like this from time to time or do I need help.

AIBU to ask if it gets better?

I think I have the male version of your DD Ennirem :) The transformation once he could walk was unbelievable and he is a much easier toddler than most as his language skills are incredible.

Oh also yes OP, get a sling!!! If he's going to grizzle whatever you do he might as well be stuck to your front so you've done all you can, he knows you're there for him, and you've got your hands free to do something else. And even my crabby newborn would usually go to sleep after a very short time in the sling. You do whatever you have to do to get a bit of P&Q!

@Redgreencoverplant God that first 6-8 months though, am I right?? I thought there must be something horribly wrong with her, then started Googling things like 'depression in infants' in the wee small hours as she just seemed so perennially narked off no matter what I did!! If someone had been able to tell me then what an absolute hoot she would be now and how much I would love spending time with her it would have made such a difference. But of course I wouldn't have believed them!

@SputnikBear if you have eliminated any possible medical issues for your LO, it's worth looking up 'high needs babies' by Dr Sears - really gave me something to hang onto to see my little one's incredibly upsetting and exasperating traits described almost exactly, and have it explained that the underlying characteristics causing those traits would actually be massive advantages 1, 10, 20 years down the line if I could just ride it out. Solidarity!

My first was a surprise pregnancy but it was still the hardest time of my life. Breastfeeding for the first six months (over a year in total) was more of an achievement and tougher than getting my degree. In reality it wasn’t worth it. Mine cluster fed in the evenings between screaming with my first. We tried everything. The only real help was time. It does get easier but can take time and it doesn’t help when friends have much calmer babies who actually sleep and don’t scream all the flipping time. I’m not a natural parent so find it hard now, going back to work once both were at school helped a lot, I got my freedom back and more equality with DH. I love them but it’s still frustrating and not the fulfilling experience promised, they aren’t mini versions of us, they are wilful, stubborn people with unpredictable behaviour and extreme emotions.

The good news is having baby number two is much less of a shock to the system so I enjoyed it a bit more. The bad news is two can more than twice the work when they get older - they rarely stop fighting!

Yes Ennirem! I remember telling people that all DS did all day every day was shout at me, it wasn't even crying but was almost like barking with frustration. It was horrific but I could see that people just didn't get it. I struggled to make friends while on mat leave as we would all head to a cafe where there babies would sleep or sit gurgling happily while DS just cried and shouted until I left in desperation.

Their not there!

It's fine to formula feed.

You don't have to bf

Enniren - my high needs baby turned out to have ADHD. She is still hard work and overly emotional, but very compassionate (except to her sister) and bursting with creativity and zeal for life.

I struggled to make friends while on mat leave as we would all head to a cafe where there babies would sleep or sit gurgling happily while DS just cried and shouted until I left in desperation

Thiiiiiiis. My little NCT group of 8 really struggled to believe me when I was like "no she's like this all the time". Lots of "Oh yes, little so and so has their moments (tinkly laugh)" while little so and so sat peacefully on her lap playing with own feet. I remember holding one of their babies for a minute while mine was (for once!) asleep and she'd gone to the loo - just the feel of her was so different, this little soft relaxed body that melted into mine and sat there, whereas my girl was always just rigid with alertness/tension the whole time, never ever stopped moving unless she was stone cold unconscious. And no-one believes you, they assume you're being fretful or overindulgent. There ought to be support groups I swear!

Get some formula, bottles and a steriler and if you really want to a Perfect Prep machine. Don’t let it make you feel that miserable. It’s not worth it.

I had forgotten the rigidness! I took DS to the health visitor in the end as his body was always so tense. All the other babies if you tried to stand them up would bend their legs up and go all floppy. DS held his legs straight at all times even when lying down and was bearing his weight on his legs from the beginning.

I went through this. Then found out Dc1 had colic and reflux, got through it all. The. Had another baby 3 yes later. Dc2 was exactly the same and both times I questioned why I had these much wanted, much planned babies. The stress, tiredness and lack of experience and support makes us question ourselves. Don’t worry you’re doing fine but please get help (GP) and don’t be afraid to ask your HV.

@ShastaBeast - I do sometimes wonder about SEN - she's very verbal and never stops talking to me and other adults she's comfortable with, but she's not at all socual with other children, actively avoids them most of the time, and still extremely clingy to me in unfamiliar settings. She's very funny about food, she doesn't like things being mixed together (deconstructs sandwiches, wants her pasta plain with the sauce alongside it etc). A few other things which just make me wonder...

We have autism in our family (both my sister's children, and I suspect my OH's sister and possibly my OH himself are somewhere on the spectrum, so it's something I'm just quietly alert to and monitoring for if any of these quirks look like causing her trouble down the line. Being so tiny it's impossible to say now of course. I'm just so thankful she can talk so well, as my sister's two were both very late talking and I think it must be incredibly hard for parent and child when they can't communicate their wants to you easily.

I'm glad your little girl has such a zest for life and is so happy - SEN doesn't have to be the end of the world depending on severity etc, and we're lucky to live in a time and place where it's so much better understood and supported than hitherto. And no-one can be expected to be compassionate to their sister

Oh and I totally fked up both times by trying to mix feed. If there ever was a next time, as soon I was struggling it would be bloody formula feeding. God, my mental heath was in ruins. Only just recovered, 4 yrs later 😊

Newborns are absolutely exhausting it's the worst stage....it gets easier I promise....6 months and you'll feel like it was a distant memory. Personally I love the toddler stage.

Enniren - My eldest was the same with the adult kid thing. She did make friends as she got older but still relies on adults. School have been great helping her. She’s taking medication and it’s been a big change. She’s eight now and I’m sure she will be fine. My younger, easier, baby is more of a worry now.

I’m not that worried as DH was diagnosed at the same time and he’s done well in life. He’s a bit autistic too, according to the psychiatrist, and that’s been beneficial to his career.