Partners Mum treating DS differently 😩

[JKCR2017]

So I’ve been with OH for 6 years. DS was 18 months when we met and we have DD who is 3. OH treats DS as his own.

Up until a little while ago MIL was great. Always treated DS as she would her own grandson and treated DD & DS the same. But something seems to have changed.

DS does have autism and she is quite old fashioned on her view about autism not existing but I don’t want to get into that right now. She’s never really understand how and why DS is different and still
doesnt now but I’ve learnt to accept that she has no idea and doesn’t really want to learn about autism but never mind.

It started last Christmas. DD had a very large present and DS a very small present. DD’s was a toy and DS’s was not something you could play with (furniture his room). Although DS didn’t mention it at the time but I could sense he felt a bit disappointed.

Over the past year so she has visited on odd times (not very often luckily) and she’s bought something for DD but not DS. I know DD is her only biological grand child but it’s not always been like this. OH sometimes pops in to see her after work and she will give him stuff for DD but not DD. I end up hiding the stuff she bought DD or buying something to make up for it. I’d rather she didn’t buy DD anything.

Should I mention this? It’s not always been like this so this is why it’s baffling me so much! I am dreading Christmas!

I think MIL thinks DS is ungrateful which he isn’t but he is brutally honest due to his asd. She bought him some sweets a while ago he said thank you but I don’t like sweets (he’s never actually eaten sweets so this is the complete truth). She got funny and called him ungrateful. Felt like asking her if I should force my child to eat sugar when he doesn’t like them? 😂😂

I also believe she thinks DS doesn’t understand due to his asd but actually it’s the complete opposite. He notices everything!

A bit long, sorry 😬

You'll get people on here telling you that you can't possibly expect her to treat her non biological grandchild the same.

Personally I think what she's doing is spiteful. They are siblings under the same roof and should be treated the same.

That's not on and you need to make this clear.

It's your DP who needs to address this with her.
Imagine if you took your DC to see your DParents more often than she saw them, she'd be upset.

DP should not be accepting gifts for DD when he visits her and telling her that he can't go home with a gift for one and not the other. A little more difficult when she turns up at yours and hands directly to DD. Make tea and hand round cake to everyone except her

I'd take the presents and put them with the father Christmas presents.
We had relatives who did this with two of ours, both biologically mine and dh just different sexes that were preferred.

We just made all presents from FC, then the kids didn't know.
Told relative we were going to do this as we didn't agree with favouritism. Relative changed her mind the next year and both treated equally.

Thank you and I agree. If this had always been the case I wouldn’t be so annoyed but for the best part of 5 years she did not do this.

She expects him to call her nanny (which is fine by me) and calls both DD and DS her grandchildren.

I think it’s a general lack of understanding of DS.

She also has a major problem with DS seeing his dad. Every time ‘daddy’ is mentioned she turns her nose up. She believes Oh should be ‘daddy’ OH is a fab daddy to both but he does have his real daddy around too 🤔 she hates it!

By the way I'm in the same position, been with dh 11 years, we've got ds (12yo) from my previous relationship and second dc together.

In laws luckily do treat them the same in terms of monetary gifts. However I've noticed fil is rapidly losing interest in ds. You'd think the sun shone out of the arse of his biological grandchild, he feigns interest in ds but I can see through it.

I guess they can't help how they feel inside but blatantly buying gifts for one and not the other is pure spite.

If you're anything like me I'm fiercely protective of my first born.

I would mention it yes. If she is unable to regard your DS as her grandson she can at least treat him as such in front of the kids because doing otherwise is damaging to her biological granddaughter (if she has to look at it like that).

Tell your dh to tell his mum he won't accept presents for one without the other, apart from Birthdays, obviously.
Your dh is allowing this, he's as much to blame tbh.

We had a more weird issue.
Mil bought for my dc but not for her actual dgs!! Within 3 months of his birth she had been away 5 times and it has been Christmas, dc got a gift from every holiday and a Christmas present. Ds didn't get anything. Her friend sent a gift that she tried to pass off as he own!
Bizarre.

We are nc now. Not because of material things!!
Life is bliss.

Thank you all! OH brought home a fairy outfit for DD today he popped in theee after work. I’ve hidden it away to avoid upset. She can play with it when DS is at school and she isn’t at pre school (she’s at pre school at the minute so she hasn’t seen it yet).

I also went through this is a child. My step father’s mum bought everything for her biological grandchildren including my two younger siblings. Me and my brother got selection boxes. We were a little a bit older at this point (10-12 years) so didn’t really care but it made me Mum and her mother in law fall out badly amongst other issues at the time. They haven’t spoke in about 15 years now 😩 obviously I would never take it that far.. lol!

Families are complicated! 😬

Playing devils advocate here, but does your ds get things from his own dad and gps on that side? Perhaps she sees that your DD doesn't get these 'extra' gifts/trips that your DD dies and us in her own way trying to redress the balance?

*sorry, that should read 'that your ds does and is'...

Definitely not on!
My SS was 2 when me and DH got together, we now also have a child of our own. My parents however treat them exactly the same. SS and my dad are SO close (because he never had any boys haha) and they spoil the pair of them rotten!

It's not fair and it is very obvious to kids who don't understand the whole blended family concept and just see that they are being left out.

However, this is up to your DH to sort.
As the one in your DH's position I would be telling my parents that it was gifts for both or none at all - I certainly wouldn't be brining them home for my daughter with nothing for SS.

And for what its worth I think your way of dealing with it currently is the best way - don't let your son know. However, I understand Christmas is going to be difficult.

My dad's parents did this. Treated our cousins like royalty with expensive gifts, lots of visits and just cared about them.

We got second hand S**t that the bought for the sake of it. It drove my mum insane! I went through a phase of thinking I had done something wrong to make them not like me and wasted so long trying to change that.

Don't let your son get to the point where he feels that. Your DH and you need to sit with her and say that you won't be accepting these things for DD unless she treats them both equally.

Does your OH favour your daughter over your son too? I just noticed your last post about him buying her an outfit. Did he buy something for your son at the same time?

@AudaciousCockerel I thought the DH brought that home after stopping by her MIL house?

You should deffo mention it, although my experience mirrors yours. I hooked up with my then girlfriend (now wife) when her DS was 1. Our DD was born when he was 4.

DD is my parents only biological grandchild - there will be no others (unless I can magic £4,000 out of somewhere to reverse my wife's sterility, which shouldn't have been carried out in the first place).

Before DD was born my parents treated DS well, but the moment DD was born she became their focus, and DS (who has dyspraxia) was literally pushed out. Both myself and DW spoke to them about what they were doing, but they didn't see anything wrong with it.

It's a shit situation to be in. I mean, I took on DS' welfare and treated him as my own son, and when DD was born nothing changed and he remained just as important, and I loved watching him grow and achieve things - those moments when you swell with pride. What angers me is that my parents could not do the exact same, utter BS, and one of the reasons I am sitting on the fence between as little contact as possible, and no contact whatsoever.

Feel really sorry for your hubby too.

I'm going to go against the majority and suggest you try to empathise with the MIL. Some people don't understand how mental illness afflicts the victim. To her, your son is rude and ungrateful. You say it hasn't always been the case that she treated the children differently, so I think it's pretty clear that she is fed up of what she views to be unpleasant behaviour.

It's a problem with society more than the individual. Society tells us we have to treat people equally regardless of disability, but expects people to magically know what is bad behaviour and what is caused by a disability. (This may be incorrect, but logic would say that even a child with Autism can be rude or ungrateful from time to time, separate from their illness. By which I mean, sometimes behaviour isn't down to the illness - it's just being naughty. How you tell which is which, I don't know.)

What do you do to teach the MIL about Autism and how it affects your child? You can't expect her to suddenly decide the illness exists if she has decided it doesn't, but you can certainly try to educate her so that she might change her mind. The way she sees it at the moment is "the child is naughty and the mother makes excuses". What actions do you take to try to explain to her WHY this opinion is wrong, rather than just telling her it is?

Oh yes you’re probably right! I interepreted that wrong- however even with that taken into account - didn’t he say something or even top up the gifts with something for your son? He needs to be a positive influence on his mum too - he has a part to play.

Thank you all.

I really don’t think DS should be treated differently as he has a dad who takes him out, buys him things etc. Everything his daddy buys him stays at his dads house he doesn’t bring it home (we haven’t got the room for it) so that is not an issue at all. Growing up my mother believed my uncles son, my cousin should get less off our grandparents than what we did as he had his mother and her family who bought him gifts too. I completely disagree with this. Yet DM hated it when her own MIL treated me and brother differently 🤔

chelledawg I have tried time and time again to talk to her about autism. She isn’t the easiest person to speak to at the best of times. She is a very rude woman at times, she just ignores you when talking to her. I also try to explain things to her surrounding autism etc but she is impossibly to speak to. It doesn’t help she has some kind of relative that has a grown up son with very low functioning autism who literally cannot so anything independently. Because my son isn’t ‘that bad’ in her eyes there’s nothing wrong with DS.

I do agree that sometimes my son is just naughty but generally DS isn’t a very happy, enthusiastic, cheerful child. His manners are fantastic but he will be brutally honest if he doesn’t like something. We are working on that one..

I should add, DD is also being assessed for autism and she cannot accept that her granddaughter might be on the spectrum too. 😩 families are great aren’t they 🤷‍♀️

OH treats them both the same at all times! He popped into his mums and she give him
a fairy outfit to give to DD. I am glad she didn’t bring it over as I have been able to hide it away for now😊

I have an entire family (of medics no less) who utterly deny the existence of autism. Despite me and my kids being diagnosed.

Fuck em. If they don’t want to understand/try to make an effort for my children, they don’t see them. It really is that simple.

What your MIL is doing is pure spite and ignorance. I wouldn’t speak to her until she sorted her shit out, you owe her nothing.

It’s likely a mix of no matter how much before that she just loves and feels the need to treat her gd more, add in the knowing ds even if they don’t come home gets extras anyway from his bio dad/other grandparents so she’s making up for that and the fact she believes his Just an ungrateful rude child.

Does your ds have a granny on his dad's side who buys him stuff?