Partners Mum treating DS differently 😩

[JKCR2017]

So I’ve been with OH for 6 years. DS was 18 months when we met and we have DD who is 3. OH treats DS as his own.

Up until a little while ago MIL was great. Always treated DS as she would her own grandson and treated DD & DS the same. But something seems to have changed.

DS does have autism and she is quite old fashioned on her view about autism not existing but I don’t want to get into that right now. She’s never really understand how and why DS is different and still
doesnt now but I’ve learnt to accept that she has no idea and doesn’t really want to learn about autism but never mind.

It started last Christmas. DD had a very large present and DS a very small present. DD’s was a toy and DS’s was not something you could play with (furniture his room). Although DS didn’t mention it at the time but I could sense he felt a bit disappointed.

Over the past year so she has visited on odd times (not very often luckily) and she’s bought something for DD but not DS. I know DD is her only biological grand child but it’s not always been like this. OH sometimes pops in to see her after work and she will give him stuff for DD but not DD. I end up hiding the stuff she bought DD or buying something to make up for it. I’d rather she didn’t buy DD anything.

Should I mention this? It’s not always been like this so this is why it’s baffling me so much! I am dreading Christmas!

I think MIL thinks DS is ungrateful which he isn’t but he is brutally honest due to his asd. She bought him some sweets a while ago he said thank you but I don’t like sweets (he’s never actually eaten sweets so this is the complete truth). She got funny and called him ungrateful. Felt like asking her if I should force my child to eat sugar when he doesn’t like them? 😂😂

I also believe she thinks DS doesn’t understand due to his asd but actually it’s the complete opposite. He notices everything!

Your DH should refuse to take the gift unless both kids are getting something. My gran has favourites but we were all treated the same. £5 staples in a card at Christmas and birthdays and a selection box.

I had to stop my MIL doing this. It took me a while to find out that DH was buying extra things for DD1 because his Mum had bought presents for the other two and not her!
I did have words. As DH is weak when it comes to his mother...
But now that DD1 is older we get Easter eggs for tge two younger ones and a box of chocolate “for the rest of you” GRRRR

I think your OH has to bring it up with his mother. Find out out why she's being like this now.
I have grandchildren but no step-grandchildren (yet! It might happen) and although I know I wouldn't love them like my DGC I would certainly treat them all the same regarding kindness and presents.

I don’t agree that DS should be treated differently because he has a real dad and a family on that side. They don’t see him for full weekends or even a full day. It’s lkterally a few hours at the weekend or overnight 7pm on a Friday until 11 the next day. My OH is more of a father than my ex if I’m
honest. I don’t think you should treat a child who you’ve previously treated the same any different to your biological grandchild but that’s my opinion. Especially because she’s always wanted DS to call her nanny which is fine but she also insists DS and DD call her partner Grampy. I do let that happen but I’m not happy with it. He has no relationship with his children or grandchildren so I’m a little uncomfortable with DC calling him Grampy 😩 but that’s another story!

Surely your DS gets gifts from his father and his own grandparents though? Do they buy presents for your DD too?
There is no way of making this situation "fair" and for once I'm inclined to think your MIL is not doing anything wrong.
(In terms of gift giving, the autism issue obviously needs work)

Your oh needs to address this with his mother and put his foot down hard. She either treats them both the same or she sees neither.

Sorry hut it's not like you've only been in scene 5 mins and if she was OK up until recently it needs tackling.

Your poor ds. Hope he is OK!

I think it does make a difference if your DS's dad is in his life and he has gifts from that side of his family. Can you explain to your DS 'Well you have xxxxx from Daddy and Daddy's Granny'

I get the Christmas thing - a small gift for him and the large gift for her would look awkward. Then I would ask DH to take DD whilst over to MIL when your son is at his Dads, that way the discrepancy is not so obvious. Not every visit has to be about gifts.
Your DH is being lazy here. He could have told his Mother 'I'll leave the fairy dress here and you can give it to her when she comes alone. I don't want to go home with something for one and not the other.'. He could also try and talk to his mother about autism and how it effects emotional responses.

If its little things like sweets, pocket money and comics, then it's both or nothing. Bigger things can stay at her house.