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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School refuser - anyone know what to do?

39 replies

Pleasehelpme433 · 11/10/2018 11:37

My 12 year old son refuses to go to school- we have tried working with school but he just blatantly refuses. He won’t talk to anyone, is rude, aggressive and violent.

He comes and goes as he pleases, he has no interest in any of his family and refuses to take part in any activity.

I’ve been to the GP and have tablets to try and cope with the stress. My DH is stressed all the time and I now can’t concentrate in work, I can’t stand being in the house in case DS is there. I feel sick all the time and pretend to go in to work but sit in my car - I know this can’t go on as I will lose my job then we’ll have even more problems.

Cahms referred us to a mental health team (I guess they’re too busy), but it was a waste of time as he refused to talk to the mental health nurse.

I don’t know where to go from here, he is ruining my life and tearing the family apart.

My DH won’t allow me to call SS as he refuses to have him put in to care - he’s probably right, I can’t think straight-

Anyone know what I can do?

OP posts:

acquiescence · 11/10/2018 12:03

SE won’t put your child in care, they will offer support and advice to help you manage the problem. I would suggest that contacting your local children and families services would be the first step. Many areas have early help teams which aren’t social workers.

CAMHS is a mental health team. I’m not sure what you mean by CAMHS were too busy? Do you think there are mental health problems?

What support are the school offering?

DowntonCrabby · 11/10/2018 12:10

A young person I know is only just starting to integrate back into school after more than 2 years off. They’ve had so many different interventions but it’s taken an educational SW getting involved to make the difference.

DowntonCrabby · 11/10/2018 12:11

Please get some support for you too, maybe see you GP.

minisoksmakehardwork · 11/10/2018 12:12

Have you contacted the education welfare officer yourself? They might be able to point you in the direction of alternative help, or at least support you if you are being proactive in terms of trying to ensure your child gets an education.

How are school supporting you?

Has your son given you any indication of why he doesn't want to go.

There are also several linked Facebook groups under the name of 'not fine in school'. You can get a wealth of advice from parents and professionals in them.

OnMyWhistle · 11/10/2018 12:14

Just a quick reply but if you use Facebook can I recommend the group Not Fine In School. They are full of invaluable advice on how to handle this situation. Also your son is just a child - he is not trying to ruin your life on purpose - he needs you to be the adult and help him ( sorry if that sounds harsh it’s not meant that way - I’ve been there and it’s super stressful so you have my sympathy).

OnMyWhistle · 11/10/2018 12:15

Sorry x post with mini

Original poster

Pleasehelpme433 · 11/10/2018 12:39

Thanks - I’m not sure if he has a mental health problem he has quite a few traits of PDA, but Cahms outsourced his referral to the mental health service for young people.

Thank you for the face book idea, I’m not on Facebook book but DH is.

School are supportive- they have tweaked his timetable- he doesn’t respond to IE or detention he walks out so they’ve offered him a ‘safe haven’ - he can sit with his head of year if he’s in trouble and disrupting the class.

I have no idea why he won’t go. He just won’t talk to any of us.

OP posts:

TheOxymoron · 11/10/2018 15:32

Yes, you need to push for him to be statemented otherwise he will be passed around from pillar to post with nobody actually helping. Depending on his issues and how they are explored he could be suited to an EBD school.
Remember... the key is to get him statemented.

TheOxymoron · 11/10/2018 15:34

Hope this helps OP

www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/cbf-resources/information-sheets/getting-a-statement.html

AnonaMouse1 · 11/10/2018 15:37

Does he have PS4 or Xbox?

An iPhone?

TheOxymoron · 11/10/2018 15:38

Happy to help further if needed. Just drop a message otherwise good luck and don’t stop fighting for him.

TheOxymoron · 11/10/2018 15:42

This sounds a lot deeper than general behavioural issues. Sometimes a constant stream of punishment can exacerbate the problem (I’m not suggesting you reward the bad behaviour either).
Kids sometimes express a hurt/suffering through anger as they are not always comfortable or understand their own emotions.
I suggest you definitely get the experts help which is much more detailed under a statement.

wheresmyhairytoe · 11/10/2018 15:43

anonamouse what has that got to do with it?

OP you need to speak to the EWO and see what they can offer. It's an awful situation to be in but there's clearly a problem that needs sorting.

wheresmyhairytoe · 11/10/2018 15:44

It's called an EHCP now, you need to speak to school and see what they can offer.

ladybee28 · 11/10/2018 15:46

Is this behaviour new, OP? When did it start?

Sounds like he really, really needs to talk to someone – there's something boiling over in there and it's not going to calm on its own.

It's also perfectly normal for people to take a while to start talking to a counsellor – there's nothing 'wrong' per se with going and sitting in silence for the first few sessions.... Can you find a counsellor / therapist / someone for him to see who's open to letting him warm up over time, rather than expecting him to dance on command (as mental health services sometimes do)?

Original poster

Pleasehelpme433 · 11/10/2018 15:46

Thanks oxymoron- I’m absolutely worried sick about him. I’m sure he’s smoking and doing all sorts. I just wish he would talk to me, (or his dad) but he seems to see his family as his enemies.

OP posts:

TheOxymoron · 11/10/2018 15:53

wheresmyhairytoe they are always bloody updating names of things. no wonder parents don’t know what to ask for anymore. I know that they often don’t tell parents about this process.
I would also like to know why it matters if the OP’s son has an iPhone, Xbox etc.

Surely it’s not going to be suggested to take those things away from him at this level?
The child is crying out.

Original poster

Pleasehelpme433 · 11/10/2018 15:58

Lady bee thanks - he’s been badly behaved for several years - we did try a counsellor but he just wouldn’t open up. I just keep thinking something terrible will happen to him. He’s hanging around with older boys doing goodness knows what

OP posts:

makingmammaries · 11/10/2018 16:02

Could you try a different counsellor? Even privately? My son was equally awful for a while and it was a psychologist who sorted him out. But we’re not in the UK so I don’t know exactly how you can access help.

Olderbyaminute · 11/10/2018 16:02

I think your son needs a thorough evaluation with a gp,and a pediatric behavioral/developmental doctor. I know there’s such a thing as oppositional defiance disorder or ODD where children refuse to conform any sort of authority figure be it parents,school,police. I sympathize my son has bipolar mood disorder after a stroke and at 14 we had to take extreme measures when he became violent and didn’t sleep for two weeks. He’s much,much better so there is hope with treatment. Best of luck

Villainelle · 11/10/2018 16:03

He's acting out because he has no boundaries. Smoking and hanging out with older boys - he's far too young for all this. What have you done to try to counteract this?

DoraJar · 11/10/2018 16:07

I feel your pain! I had a similar child. Read ‘lost at school’ by Greene. We were referred to CAHMS - and know what you mean - but I don’t think DC’s ‘ODD’ behaviour is a mental health problem and so has to be handled not ‘treated’.

This was also the reason I joined mumsnet and I gained some positive advice from people in a similar position - but please ignore people who tell you not to tolerate your son’s behaviour. He is still a child - albeit a difficult one.

We were also persuaded to avoid the PRU route - but looking back I regret being persuaded! DC did end up in one and it was much better for him (and us) when he finally got there at 14. The teachers at his PRU were fantastic and were used to kids like him - more common than you might think! Being in London they also had a playwright in residence - who also had a very positive effect!

The next few years may not be easy - and social services isn’t an answer (I do understand - I may have said the same)! I’m cringing as I recall some of the things he did at mainstream school. He’s lovely now - so it will pass!

Dodie66 · 11/10/2018 16:09

Had you thought about educating him at home?

ivoclarangela · 11/10/2018 16:11

I’d be tempted to de register him from school before they start fining you .... then ask SSfor help.

Bluewidow · 11/10/2018 16:19

this is my fear I have a 9 year old who just cant cope with change, emotions. He gets angry and sometimes refuses to go to school. As he is still 9 I have to physically get him out of the bed and get him dressed. I believe he knows what he is doing as is testing me- I go and pick him from school and he is perfectly ok. I do worry what I will do when he is at secondary as I wont be able to physically get him out of bed and dressed to go. My son would just rather be at home with me, he's even asked to be home schooled. There's not reason for this from the schools point of view as I said perfectly happy when he comes out.

What does he do all day when you are at work? Is it possible your, dh or another family member who perhaps works for themselves could take him along 1 day a week. I know it doesn't solve the issue but keeps him away from the older boys, you know where he is and he may open up in a different environment or say something that may make you understand why he is behaving like this. Plus showing him real work may make him think twice about his education.

I would go to the doctors and be persisitent that you need some help. Help with understanding why he is like this. We had to go to the doctors last year as my son was threatening to jump out of windows and that he wanted to die. We got laughed out of the surgery with the doctor saying he was just being naughty. When you go in your sons bedroom and his foot is on the window sill and the windows open that's not a normal naughty behaviour in my book.

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