School refuser - anyone know what to do?

[Pleasehelpme433]

My 12 year old son refuses to go to school- we have tried working with school but he just blatantly refuses. He won’t talk to anyone, is rude, aggressive and violent.

He comes and goes as he pleases, he has no interest in any of his family and refuses to take part in any activity.

I’ve been to the GP and have tablets to try and cope with the stress. My DH is stressed all the time and I now can’t concentrate in work, I can’t stand being in the house in case DS is there. I feel sick all the time and pretend to go in to work but sit in my car - I know this can’t go on as I will lose my job then we’ll have even more problems.

Cahms referred us to a mental health team (I guess they’re too busy), but it was a waste of time as he refused to talk to the mental health nurse.

I don’t know where to go from here, he is ruining my life and tearing the family apart.

My DH won’t allow me to call SS as he refuses to have him put in to care - he’s probably right, I can’t think straight-

Anyone know what I can do?

DO NOT TAKE HIM OFF SCHOOL ROLE - despite suggestions - it really puts you on the back foot

if what the school has put in place isn't working the school need to meet with you to discuss other ideas - not just say 'we did this it didn't work' - they should be doing more

Social Services need to be involved as well I feel - as with the best will in the world, if you don't know where he is or what he's doing then he's at risk - and you guys need support

Wow! Some judgemental people around filling in the gaps on the OP’s parenting or lack of it. How about responding to the information presented?
Do you know how desperate she feels?
Sanctimonious called and wants it’s arseholes back on its seats!

All the schools are interested in is having the child back in school. They suggested my daughter could sleep in pupil support if she’d been up half the night suffering from pschyosis. We finally took her out when aged 14 she tried to hang herself in the toilets and the head of mental health called her a silly girl. Get him away from them ASAP is my advice. SS at least are more interested in the child staying alive than being educated.

again - off school role can mean your access to help diminishes significantly - don't do it just yet!

That kind of “help” people can do without in my experience

I won’t be de registering from school - we need all the help we can get, and school have been very supportive trying to work with us.

My DH is at home so he tries to ‘deal with him’ in the morning after I go to work, today he did go but not until 11am after DH stripped his bed including mattress.

I do want to take him back to the GP but he currently refuses to go.

I have tried banning Xbox and taking his phone but it just back fires on me as he becomes violent and it just doesn’t seem to achieve anything.

DH flatly refuses to involve SS- I’m not sure what use they would be anyway as I know how overstretched they are and he (of course) is not facing any kind of abuse at home.

please please get the help of SS - this is going to destroy you (the parents) and your marriage and that won't help this child.

You do not have to live with violence even if it comes from a child.

I wish you the very best.

I don't have any advice regarding the school refusal per se but I have also found that banning xbox etc tends to backfire with my son and tends to escalate his behaviour and I think this is because he feels he has nothing left to loose. I think your son needs more specific help and support and his difficulties are unlikely to be solved by putting restrictions on his electronics.

I would keep working with the school and I also think SS would be a good idea and I am sure you would be eligible for some Early Help intervention.

Good luck

ivoclarangela well yes to be fair - in your experience - the OP's experiences may well be totally different - he child is also different

I understand your had a very negative time but my experiences (child hearing voices, SS involvement, attempted to hang themselves in year 5 - also in the toilets) where better.

The OP needs to explore support herself not have it dismissed out of hand

You need to get SS involved. I work in a school and SS are involved in these types of cases. They work with the family but you also have to cooperate with them and be honest as to what is going on. Schools can and do refer to SS. I’m surprised it hadn’t been suggested yet.
Good luck.

My now 16 year old was a school refuser from year 8 until I withdrew him at the end of year 9. I then home educated him until he could start college in year 10. It has been hell on earth, and whilst his attendance isn't brilliant, he does go to college. We are having issues at the moment as they won't let him do gcse's, they are offering functional skills instead. He feels really insulted by this so is refusing to go!!
He is on the autistic spectrum and has features of odd.
Please message me if you want.x

See whether there is support from social services
Ask the school whether there can be support from the Education Welfare Officer. Can they look at a very reduced timetable for a while, with a very gradual reintroduction if it works.
Keep communication with the school positive and try to work together as much as possible.
See your GP for some support for you.
Speak to CAMHS again if you can. Even if he won’t engage, there should be some support or suggestions they can offer.

I love how it’s suggested that the OP can simply get a statement. It’s an EHCP anyway now and you need plenty of evidence, reports from professionals and it takes at least 6 months for an assessment to take place. In any case, an EHCP won’t help if the child won’t go to school, unless it can be used to provide home tuition, but that may not work if he won’t engage. An EHCP might be of some help if he can get back into school in terms of support for managing his emotions at school. That could be some of the strategies the school has already tried, such as a safe place to go, an amended timetable, support in lessons etc.

You can't go on like this. If DH either can't or won't deal with DS, call Social Services and see what they can do to help. I know a 5yo who seems to be going down the same route but hopefully he'll get help a lot sooner.

hairy and oxy I was asking about Xbox etc as it can be a problem with young people. Almost an addiction

Is that alright with you? To, you know, ask the op something a bit different to the usual call Cambs again/is he on the spectrum etc etc

It's a recognised problem and as an employer of teens and young people I see the addictive nature of smartphones increasing.