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To go out when my MIL visits

44 replies

noideawhattocallmyself · 10/10/2018 13:24

My OH can be an utter man-child when he gets stressed at work - most of the time he's OK but from time to time he just reverts to doing very little. He has some MH issues (anxiety / depression) and I know I've enabled some of it by trying to take the pressure off him.
Basically he grew up with dad going to work mum doing everything in the house so I guess it's his norm from that perspective but it's not normally the norm in our relationship.
I work full time, we have 3 children and recently I've basically been doing everything else as well, so we've had a grown up discussion and he admits he's been selfish and focused elsewhere - fine - all under control and he's addressing it - good.
His mum phones him at least every other night, if he doesn't answer she phones his mobile or sends him facebook messages. Says she's worried and she was about to phone the police. At Xmas we were at the in-laws and she spent all day telling him nothing was good enough for him (gave him extra pudding to everyone else which just made me laugh actually said nothing is good enough for my boy - emphasis on 'my' just to make sure I know my place :)) and spent a good half hour stroking his hair.
This week she has phoned him and when he answered he was tired so not full of the joys, straight after the call she sent him a message to say she was worried and to remember 'you're still my baby boy and I'm worried'
So I know I'm stressed because of picking too much up when he's been struggling but I really want to just be out of the house when she visits because firstly to me this is what's enabled him acting like he's another child and secondly I find her over-investment in his life and feelings weird - she tells him how gorgeous he is and how no-one is good enough for him and how she hated the day he got married because she'd lost him etc etc and I've had enough - he's 50 FFS and we've been married over 20 years.
Either tell me I'm being a b*tch and I should put up with it or validate my decision to get the heck out when she's around :)

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/10/2018 13:33

I'd leave them both. Permanently.

LucieMorningstar · 10/10/2018 13:33

Your mil is a loon.

AwdBovril · 10/10/2018 13:37

Bloody hell. A 50 y/o man puts up with that? Does MIL not have anything else to focus on? How does / did FIL feel about her behaviour?

I thought my MIL was overbearing but Jesus wept! I feel for you.

Observatorycrest · 10/10/2018 13:42

Both of them have not bothered letting go of the umbilicus. Sounds all very bizarre and both there behaviours isn't something I would want my DC to witness as its just bizarre. The problem you have as his wife is your excusing his lazy behaviour . It sounds like you have 4 DC and not 3. Not sure why you need to leave when your MIL is around, it would be big girl pants and ask her to cut it out and after 20 yrs I am surprised you haven't said something to him about it.

Aprilislonggone · 10/10/2018 13:46

I wouldn't find a dh like that attractive tbh.

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 10/10/2018 13:47

He is 50!!!!!!

LemonysSnicket · 10/10/2018 13:50

She's mental.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 10/10/2018 13:51

You know the little Britain script where David Williams has "bitty"

I think you need to leave that nutter and the nutty mother in law before it rubs off on your kids! And possible refer both of them to be sectioned!!

Bellabutterfly2016 · 10/10/2018 13:51

*David Walliams that should say

Returnofthesmileybar · 10/10/2018 13:52

That's just fucking weird, it has an almost incestuous vibe, ew! I couldn't be around that but equally I couldn't be with someone that didn't say "Mam stop stroking my hair you loon"

Ohluckyme · 10/10/2018 13:56

Yuk. I feel for you. I would leave the house. Have little contact with her. Show your husband this thread.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 10/10/2018 13:56

I thought you were going to say he was in his late 20's...he's 50!!! FFS. As you're managing to do all of the work (both in and outside the home) I'd be giving him some ultimatums at this point. Tell your mother to stop phoning, treating you like you're 7 and so on or else I'll be contacting a solicitor who can start divorce proceedings. I don't think I've ever suggested to any one on MN to leave their husband/partner but you might just be my first.

Leave him. De-stress your life.

NWQM · 10/10/2018 13:58

2 thoughts - have you said anything or at least as much as you would if any other adult acted bizarre in your house? Secondly I’d suggest that your husband has to change the dynamics - he needs to ease things for you by proactively sending his Mum a message / photo or whatever will work for her about how great life is. She is only worried because he is allowing her to be. He needs to do his part in sorting it.

My husband can be daft about how he deals with his family so I get that it’s hard but personally I now treat them like other adults in my life. Took a while though as I’d hoped we’d be family but....sometimes you don’t actually want what you wish for.

NWQM · 10/10/2018 14:01

P.s don’t go out. One time only solution. Maybe take a break from having her round though.
Any WhatsApp or Facebook messenger ask him to set up so it’s ‘family’ not him and her. Ignore messages from just her. Get him to take away the control element .... unless he does really feel that he needs somehing from her and if so he really needs a good think and is do you. Feel your pain - good luck

TipseyTorvey · 10/10/2018 14:04

This is so weird!! If you'd said he was 26 it was still be pathetic but at 50!!!? You're too old to put up with this crap. Tell your DH he needs to tell her to get some of her own interests to focus on and one call a week is plenty. I would go out when she comes around though just because I'd probably tell her exactly what I thought and that would end badly. Your very middle aged DH needs to stop being a mummy's boy.

sue51 · 10/10/2018 14:05

You've put up with this nonsence for 20 years! Your DH and mil do not have a healthy relationship. He is not her baby boy but a husband and father of 3. I would not allow her in the house, what you describe is too creepy for words and can't be good for the children to witness. It sounds like you do everything anyway, would you not be happier if he went to live with mil permanently.

PragmaticWench · 10/10/2018 14:07

Your DH allowed her to 'spend a good half an hour stroking his hair' ?!?! WTF?!!

Did you ask him what on earth he allowed that for? I'd not be fancying having sex with a fully grown man who behaved like that with his mother.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/10/2018 14:12

You know the little Britain script where David Williams has "bitty"

This is a bad case of "bitty!" Grin Grin

Sorry, but that's such sad behaviour. She sounds quite odd, tbh, and it's not good for your DH. I'd definitely go out and leave them to it. See if a friend's available to meet up or just get some errands done...don't hurry back!

I'm glad your DH is coping better. I had a bad episode with anxiety last year and needed more support than usual, but once you pull yourself out of it, you need to start participating in family life again and helping our your partner. He shouldn't get lazy, it's not fair on you.

Take care, beware the "bitty."

Ellie56 · 10/10/2018 14:18

Definitely weird. "A good half hour stroking his hair"?!! How have you put up with this incestuous behaviour for 20 years?! Hmm

I would have left long ago. This is not good behaviour for your children to witness.

HollowTalk · 10/10/2018 14:22

The thing is that your MIL thinks, "I used to do everything for my husband" but actually you are doing everything AND going to work!

Honestly, I don't know how you can want sex with a man who lets his mum stroke his hair for half an hour. He's like a child (and most of them would be pissed off well before the half hour was up.)

How old are your children?

Mugglemom · 10/10/2018 14:23


Can't say I blame you. What does he say when she says "nobody is good enough for you"?

To go out when my MIL visits
Singlenotsingle · 10/10/2018 14:23

Strange woman. Hasn't she got any other dc to lavish her attentions on? No hobbies?


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butterfly56 · 10/10/2018 14:25

Don't have the stupid woman in your house.
Tell him to go to her's on his own(or with the DCs) so that you can have some much needed quality time on your own.
You definitely need to keep her away for your own sanity more than anything.

Ngaio2 · 10/10/2018 14:25

OP, your MIL is clearly the source of your DH’s MH problems. From birth she has treated him as fragile and needing her protection so he has grown up seeing himself unable to cope with life independently and yet feeling inadequate because of this. I dare say he is also disappointed by the way life has turned out with his M forever telling him the world owes him a great life because he is so special.
I imagine it’s too late to change your DH’s mind set he’d need to have intensive therapy and it’s doubtful he’d agree to the need.
You have a dilemma — refuse to stay silent when Mil engages in this haviour ie go out or hang around so you know what’s happening and can try to diffuse the poison.
Or you could get some counselling for yourself to work out the best course of action for the future. Bear in mind that when Mil shuffles off this mortal coil that your DH willl be devastated. (Somewhat relieved but devastated)

RomanyRoots · 10/10/2018 14:28

I couldn't let my kids see this, but if he's 50 are the kids grown up now?
you seemed to have made a rod for your own back OP, why on earth allow this for one year, let alone 20.
We all have our cross to bear, some struggle their whole lives with depression or other mh issues.
It doesn't mean you become no use to anybody, and waste oxygen.

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