Friends pregnancy loss....gift ideas....sorry if this upsets anyone....

[sissy89]

One of my best friends has just lost twin babies. These make it now 4 babies she has lost in 18 months. Not through miscarriage but because each one has had something seriously wrong which means she has had to terminate.

Last night she text me saying if it wasn't good news for her scan today then she was done trying. I've now heard that sadly it wasn't good news. She's distraught.

I don't know what to do. I feel I need to send her something when the time is right - not yet. But what do I get for her? If anything?

It doesn't help that I had my 3rd child 5 weeks ago. She is constantly asking me how he is, how I'm doing etc etc. I never know what to put as I know I've got what she wants most in the world.

This lady is literally the nicest person I've ever met. I'm sat crying for her right now as I wanted her to get good news today more than anything. I can't imagine what she's going through.

Can anyone help me think straight and suggest what I should do in this situation? Keep away for a while or let her know that I'm here if she needs me? It wouldn't be so tricky if I didn't have a newborn. I just can't think straight x

I think I would like a letter or a card. Just something that let me know that you know I am going through a horrible time and are thinking of me (based on my own miscarriage).

I was in Georgia, USA, when my mother died (she retired there). Everybody brought me home cooked food. It was something I didn’t need to think about and I appreciated it so much. I think doing things like that are less common in the UK but I cannot tell you how much it meant to me.

Oh dear, what a dreadful situation. One thing, don’t send flowers. My SIL had several miscarriages and got sent lots of flowers, now 20odd years on she still dislikes being sent flowers.

There is literally nothing you can send her other than your love and sympathy. Send short messages and offer to meet, talk as and when she is ready.

You sound lovely.

Hi OP - you sound like a lovely person. When one of my good friends was in a similar situation, I sent a message saying 'I am so sorry to hear. I am always here for you in case you want to talk or need support. Appreciate you may need some time at the moment so I will check in again on X day, but do let me know if you want to talk'. That way they know that they're not alone and that you're around, but still gives them space (if they need it).

My friend had a toddler already so in my follow-up I offered to babysit etc, and also brought some food around when I came to collect the toddler.

For the same reason recently, I've used "don't send her flowers" for care packages. I've also sent cake deliveries from here
www.funkyfoodgifts.com/products/bake-box

And also their letterbox hampers

www.funkyfoodgifts.com/products/best-of-british-letter-box-hamper

I agree with above PP , a card with a handwritten heart felt note, and a home cooked meal, a casserole or spaghetti Bolognese that can go in the freezer if needs be so it's a day to day chore she doesn't need to think about, and maybe just a hug. I can't even imagine what she's going through.

After my third pregnancy loss, a not close friend sent a lovely card. That was the best. Nice texts and cards. I would really want a present, personally. Just kind words.

Send her a card to let her know you're thinking of her and just be there when she's ready.

It must be so hard for you, too, but you're so lovely to support her and still be mindful of her feelings.

Thank you - a hand written card is a great idea. It's my husbands bosses wife so I can get a letter/card too her without having to go round and see her. I don't want to be too 'in your face'.....and I can't go anywhere without taking my baby.

My head just went all fuzzy and I couldn't think what to do for the best. I wanted this to be good news for her so so much.

We went through a miscarriage at the same time and we grew close....I've gone on to have a baby but she hasn't.....and it's heartbreaking.

wouldn’ want a present!

What about a hello fresh subscription? I'd ask in advance but it makes it easier to cook and prep and means she wont have to go out for her weekly shop.

A friend of mine bought me a massage session at a local treatments place and a card with a lovely handwritten message. It was such a lovely gift and nice to be pampered a little after such a stressful upsetting time.

Or even a box of cupcakes or donuts/brownies, bit of comfort food

Thats a lovely idea Splish

Thank you all so much - these are all lovely ideas x

How about some art- a framed picture that depicts a symbolic mother and 4 babies?
I know how much my friend who lost 2 babies in 2 years (both stillborn, both 1-in-a-million unrelated conditions) really appreciated something similar that I made for her. She still treasures it. She has gone on to have 2 healthy children but that party of her life is still very much part of her current life-story.
So sorry for your friend. Life is so very cruel at times.

So sorry for your friends loss. Maybe some seeds she can plant to grow something to remember her lovely babies?

I have a dried forget-me-not in a chain my friend bought me when I had a late miscarriage, I treasure it so much x

Oh how heartbreaking. It sounds like she will have to now go through an abortion too. Definitely send her a card, don’t try and find any positives, it wasnt meant to be, you can try again etc, it’s shit, it’s awful and she probably just needs that acknowledging. What about sending some meals from cook, they do deliveries, inc some nice desserts. Most of all be there, not just in the first few weeks, put something in the diary to make sure you’re in touch and checking in over the next year put something to remind you of the anniversary of her losses. Ime people are v supportive in first few weeks then people forget and move on whilst you’re still struggling. You sound like such a lovely friend

flowers, chocolates, maybe some bath/relaxation bits? personally hand delivered with cuddles! xx

Not the framed picture of mother and 4 babies. I would have hated that.

Honestly all I wanted after my losses was a big hug and someone to listen and let me cry. I think I would have fallen apart further had I received a card or flowers. You do sound like a lovely friend, make sure she knows you are 100% there for her.

One of the most comforting said to me was " if you ever want to talk about it I'm here. If you never want to talk about it I understand"

I also agree with making a note and acknowledging around the due date and anniversary. I was so sad that what was so devastatingly significant a date for me passed by without comment.

After my loss, my SIL sent me flowers and it was exactly what I needed. I would not have wanted a sentimental gift, though I might have appreciated a spa appointment or something eventually but definitely not soon after. I don’t think you can go wrong with cake and a nice card. It was nice just to know someone out there understood I was having a really hard time and was thinking of me.

This year, I've lost a sibling and a beloved pet (I know - of course a pet isn't comparable) and on both occasions I was given a rose plant. It's been lovely this summer seeing them flower and reminding me.

One of them was from Bloom & Wild (came in the post) and was small enough to stay indoors for some weeks. It's planted out now and eight months on is still flowering.

Years ago, when I miscarried, I didn't actually want any specific "reminders" as such but I think something similar would have been nice (as it was quite late, I did get a lot of flowers which were lovely).

I'm not sure about the Hello Fresh suggestion although I think it's a lovely idea but perhaps not practical as they're quite faffy and the last thing I'd want to be doing right now is cook - if only because I imagine there's going to be some physical discomfort.

You sound like a really lovely friend!

From personal experience, no gift really helps but it's very much appreciated to know that people are thinking of you & care so much. I found that being there for a teary chat & a cuppa was what I valued most in my friends.

A nice note pretty much saying what you have in your post will probably mean an awful lot to her right now.

My cousin lost her first son at 38wks & was in more pain than I could ever imagine. After a while & lots of tears, I still felt that I wanted to give her something to remember him by, so I named a star after him & framed the print/certificate. I was terrified to give it to her in case it upset her but she loved it & hung it above her bed!

(Thankfully, her & hubby have gone on to have a gorgeous healthy boy but none of us ever forget that they're parents of 2 children.)

Xxxx

I also preferred it when friends were just brutally honest & instead of trying to say things like, "Maybe it was for the best" or "You can try again" etc I was totally fine with them saying, "Do you know what? It's absolutely shit & unfair & utterly heart breaking & I honestly don't know what to say."