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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to get fed up of these childcare requests?

66 replies

LolaTola · 10/10/2018 06:33

I have my own business and work from home so I take my DCs to and from school. Lucky me but I have worked hard to get to that point.

We have known a couple for about 8 years through the school. We say hi when we see each other, very occasionally go out as part of a group (once a year at most) so I'd say we're friends but not close.

They both work ft in demanding jobs and have children at different schools so a bit of a complex set up. They seem to regard me as their backup childcare and its getting on my nerves. The only time I hear from them is when they need a favour. It's always painted as some emergency when 9/10 it's their crap planning. In the last 3 weeks alone I have been asked to have their children after school who were meant to be collected at 7 but didn't come until 9 Hmm and then to have them before school as they had a meeting.

I also regularly receive calls asking me to collect the children and wait 10 minutes in the playground as they're in traffic.

The late night one was inconvenient but the others are doable but just annoying. It's not the inconvenience that annoys me it's just the fact I feel used by them as I never hear from either unless they want a favour. Aibu and a bit of a misery? I don't mind helping people for very rare emergencies but I don't want to be someone's plan B because they can't get their act together to organise a plan A. Needless to say, I don't ask any favours of them but they don't offer anything in return either.

OP posts:
EK36 · 10/10/2018 07:14

I would just say, " sorry I can't today" every time. My daughters friends mum was always late for pick ups. Luke every other day. At first I'd stand with her until her mum arrived 10/15 minutes later. After a while it became annoying as it wasn't an emergency just poor time keeping. Then I started telling the child to go back into school and wait until her mum got there.As sometimes me and my children would be waiting outside in the rain! I had enough. After three late incidences, school warned the mother to pick up on time. She hasn't been late since! Just say no OP.

Lostnafraid · 10/10/2018 07:15

I had a ‘friend’ like this. We’re not friends anymore.

comedycentral · 10/10/2018 07:21

I would not send them a fake group text as they will just assume that they are not cheeky feckers to ask as 'everyone' does it. They will never change. Just start leaving your phone on silent.

Treacletoots · 10/10/2018 07:21

OP you sound like a wonderful friend and those of us with full time jobs and childcare could do with more of. But. You're a friend, and deserve a thank you, would you like to go for coffee/ other activity some time. These people really are idiots and if they could just see further than their own issues they'll realise just what selfish twunts theyve been and will bitterly regret it when you finally say no...

NicePieceOfPlaid · 10/10/2018 07:41

Just start saying, "Not convenient, sorry."

No explanation, you don't owe them one.

Rosenspants · 10/10/2018 07:42

My DC are adults now but when at primary school there was one CF who started the phone calls at about 3pm regularly to ask if we could pick up and mind her DC until she could get there (often quite a lot later). No real reason, she wasn’t working after school hours. I just stopped answering the phone in the end. I found out later she then moved on to my BFF who got caught in the same CF...ery, and had to warn her off. Some people will just carry on relentlessly and find that lovely, kind and unassuming person to help and then treat them badly. Don’t do it any more, Op.

happinessischocolate · 10/10/2018 07:43

You need to sort it now or like penelopeee on the other thread you will find yourself 18 months from now having their kids 3 days a week from 7am and being totally taken for granted 🤷‍♀️

whatnametouse · 10/10/2018 08:23

You can’t as you are heading to a friends straight after school

You have some errands to do on the way in

DD / you / dog has an appointment / is sick

Just have a list ready and after a few weeks they will have moved onto asking someone else

Loonoon · 10/10/2018 08:23

If there is no give and take here I would be annoyed too. If I was assertive I would text them and say that as this is becoming a regular thing I would like to put things on a more formal basis so could we meet to discuss days and terms? Or (and this is the passive aggressive approach I would actually use), ignore the calls and blame a poor signal/faulty phone if its ever mentioned. If you are too soft hearted to ignore the call turn your phone off in the crucial time period.

serbska · 10/10/2018 08:27

Of it was a two way street and you were genuine friends and they did things for your family, fine. But sounds like they just take take take.

I’d probably say something like ‘the back up childcare requests have become quite frequent and I feel like the relationship is a bit one sided. Please can you make alternative arrangements in future? Looking forward to seeing you at ‘

LillianGish · 10/10/2018 08:30

You need to learn to say no - sorry it’s not convenient, sorry that won’t work for me today, sorry I really can’t help today, sorry can’t hang around today I have to get to an appointment, sorry I’ve got an important work call. Doing someone a favour is one thing, becoming their default backstop when you know you could never ask them to do the same for you is another thing entirely.

MorningsEleven · 10/10/2018 08:30

I'd be blocking their number. I've been there with "friends" who think I'm good for unpaid childcare because I work part time.

worstmotherintheworld · 10/10/2018 08:32

Don't answer your phone - you know what they will be phoning for! If they ask you to face tell them you have a lot on with your own work (or whatever reason works for you.) Don't feel guilty. Their demanding jobs and children are their own problem and shouldn't be yours.

Returnofthesmileybar · 10/10/2018 08:48

You need to start saying no. The calls that arrive at school time to hold the kids for ten minutes, just ignore those and don't answer, simply collect your kids and leave. The other texts/calls for after school just say "I can't to Thursday we are busy but actually now you mention it my workload has increased a lot lately so taking anyone else's kids after school won't be possible anymore"

Jeezoh · 10/10/2018 08:48

I agree with others, make yourself unavailable or unreliable and they’ll soon stop seeing you as their backup. Have a few ideas ready - “sorry, didn’t see you were calling me, my phone was on silent”, “we can’t hang about til you get here I’m afraid, we’ve got a dentist appointment in 10 minutes”, “I’ve got to dash straight home but I can tell your little darlings to wait at the school office until you get there” etc.

Xenia · 10/10/2018 08:49

Best to say no. My mother got roped into taking my friend home every day and it was a burden - she was slow to leave the school, we were hanging round waiting so in the end she stopped doing it but it can be hard. I would just say - sorry, I can't.

Don't give a reason. Once you start giving reasons people come back at you to convince you otherwise.

Piffle11 · 10/10/2018 09:03

They are making a convenience of you and taking the piss massively. They are using you as it's easier and more convenient for them than having to actually sort themselves out and look after their own kids. The bit about not picking up til 9 is disgraceful! I think what another poster said is perfect: tell them that basically they are not the only ones and that you are now saying no to everyone. Makes it less personal - but if you're feeling brave just tell them straight! I wouldn't dream of doing this to someone I only socialise with once a year: that's not a friend, that's an acquaintance.

lola006 · 10/10/2018 09:08

I disagree with having a ‘reason’ ready. I struggle with this and easily get defensive but am slowly working on ‘sorry, I can’t.’ If they’re a genuine friend who is interested in my life, maybe I’ll say what’s up. But this doesn’t sound like someone who makes the effort to know what’s happening in your day to day life.

timeisnotaline · 10/10/2018 09:14

Being a user is not at all what’s meant by find your village snuggybuggy.

PeasAreGreat · 10/10/2018 09:16

just say no! they'll get the hint eventually

'Sorry, business has really picked up and i wont be able to help today!'
'Sorry, have a couple conference calls today, can't miss them'
'Sorry, im actually going to be working with a client elsewhere today instead of at home'
'Sorry, have clients coming round for a meeting, can't help today.'

OhHolyJesus · 10/10/2018 09:22

Agree with PO's. You also don't need to say sorry. You have nothing to apologise for. To be polite you could say 'What a pickle, I wish I could help...'

They will be pissed off but what the hell, it sounds like they've taken advantage for too long and it's a consequence of their actions, not yours.

KC225 · 10/10/2018 09:30

They are telling you their jobs are more important than yours. Your working life is more flexible than theirs. Who would agree to a breakfast meeting if you have to pull in favours from acquaintances you see socially once a year.

The turning up late to collect their child is not on. I had this recently, my children get ready around 8.15 for bed on a recent play day the mother was supposed to collect at 7.30 didn't pick up until gone 9. So my child was late to bed and we couldn't fully relax knowing she was still to collect. It was an Inconvenience. And when she arrived, she said she had booked in another client (hairdresser). I was not happy, she made a decision without consulting that my time was less important. I refuse to have that child on a school night now. The girls are good friends but its wekends or school holidays.

I agree with the stop answering the phone. You are not close enough for a genuine emergency. Answer with 'No, I have my OWN breakfast call tomorrow'. I am busy with work now, I can't be looking after another child as well.'

If it's inconvenience and mildly irritating now, think what it will be like a year from now as it escalates, because 'We're friends and we help each other and your doing it anyway'

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 10/10/2018 09:31

It’s like drugs, just say no.

WichBitchHarpyTerfThatsMe · 10/10/2018 09:37

CFers indeed. When my DC was little I was on my own with zero back up so I had to pay for childcare, that's just how it was. Things were tight but I chose to have a child with all the inconveniences that can bring. There are two of them. They need to sort their own shit out. I don't mind helping anyone out in an emergency but this isn't on.

You don't have to give any reasons OP, no is a complete sentence as people on here say. No justification is required of you. It's not as though you agreed to be their regular back up and are now pulling out.

WineAndTiramisu · 10/10/2018 09:43

Just don't answer the phone, vague 'oh I left it at home' if you see them.

It wouldn't be cheeky if it wasn't completely one sided!

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