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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think in laws would want to be around to celebrate hubby's 50th?

72 replies

MeditationTeaHouse · 09/10/2018 23:23

I feel like I am a walking AIBU thread at the moment and need to vent - and wonder if I'm overreacting in being upset. So it's hubby's 50th birthday next week and we found out on Friday evening his parents have booked a coach trip for next week - and are away all week.

I booked a trip to London last week overnight (1st time since duaghter was born - she is 2) for last week and they babysat overnight. It's NOT about going out and wanting babysitters - I'm just upset for him that his parents won't be here to celebrate. I'd planned to go out for a celebratory meal with them next week and he really wanted to do something on the day - and have his parents obviously.

My last big birthday was the last day I went out with my mum for something special before she died and it's kind of knocked me that this is really important - and why I had booked the London trip which was fabulous.
I'm upset for him - he won't let me say anything as they sulk and I just think it's sad that his own parents booked a coach trip over his 50th. It's an important milestone.....or am I just overreacting?

OP posts:

Loonoon · 10/10/2018 08:14

I agree it’s a bit of a non issue. If you had prepared them in advance for a family celebration I am sure they would have been available. As it is, they probably assume you have made plans that don’t involve them.

I had a big party for my 50th but it was for friends not my parents or in laws. It was noisy and involved a lot of champagne and cocktails. Both sets of parents would have hated it. My mum and I had an afternoon tea a few days later and my parents didn’t acknowledge it at all (no offence intended or taken, they are not a family that bothers about birthdays).

Biancadelriosback · 10/10/2018 08:15

Some people just aren't birthday people. My DH couldn't care less about his birthday but his parents insist they need to see him on the day and always want to celebrate that night. Even if it is a Tuesday and DH and I have work the next morning...

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 10/10/2018 08:17

I will be 50 in a couple of years, and can't think of anything worse that having my parents there.

I’m close to 50yo and I wouod something within my parents for my b’day.
Nothing to do with cutting the apron strings (having lived on opposite side of the world for about 20 years, these ties have been well and truly cut a long time ago!!)
But everything to do with loving to spend time with them and cherishing those family moments.

interestingly, my two teens also cherish having their b’day with us and the grand parents. It’s part of our tradition and they wouldn't miss it for the world.
They just do something different with their friends too.

Conclusion: BREAKING NEWS!! Not everyone is the same.

PillowOfSociety · 10/10/2018 08:19

I think you should talk to them tactfully. They might be assuming that the London Trip was his birthday celebration and that because you hadn’t invited them to the meal yet that nothing was happening and they had been left out of his celebrations.

THEY might be feeling sad!

Why on Earth didn’t you invite them in advance or tell them about the meal when you had them babysit for the trip?

LittleBookofCalm · 10/10/2018 08:23

i bet they want family around to celebrate their 80th!

your or your DH should have made plans earlier, should have warned them they were invited, it is obviously not on their radar.
perhaps it is making them feel old and uneasy

5foot5 · 10/10/2018 08:28

It's an important milestone

If it is that important why didn't you plan it well in advance. You can't expect them to cancel their trip at the last minute and potentially lose all the money they paid.

I get people consider it a milestone, I have been to a few 50th celebrations, but was given considerably more notice than that.

When DH and I turned 50 we just celebrated together and gave each other extra nice presents. DH was 60 this year and adamant he didn't want a fuss. His parents are still alive but too elderly to be trekking over here to celebrate and anyway at their age 60 probably seems like nowt!

MatildaTheCat · 10/10/2018 08:36

I’m not at all surprised that you are a bit sad that they didn’t at least ask you and mention their plans. To app who says they are a generation who don’t celebrate milestone birthdays, what nonsense, of course they do!

In our family though the younger generation have typically had their own party and another event with the parents. I suggest you simply call them and arrange a suitable date.

I also wonder if, due to your sad loss of your Mum after your milestone birthday, are projecting a tiny bit regarding the importance of all being together on the day.

Wish him a good one from me.

happypoobum · 10/10/2018 08:37

YABU

If you hadn't actually organised something and invited PILS then they probably assumed DH and you were doing something together or with friends.

When it's my (adult) DS birthday I ask what he is doing, and assume that he will be seeing his GF and his friends and I will get to see him some time in the week before/week after.

He's 50, not 5.

And I say this as someone who makes an inordinate deal out of my own birthday despite being in my fifties

ButchyRestingFace · 10/10/2018 08:42

It's an important milestone.

How so? What changes or is different about being 50 as compared to 49 or 51?

sparklyfee · 10/10/2018 08:43

Agree with everyone else YABU. Sounds like they think you've already celebrated it in London while they babysat. Kind of them!

You haven't invited them for a meal and they are not mindreaders

sparklyfee · 10/10/2018 08:44

Surely you can go for a meal with them the week after anyway?

Piffle11 · 10/10/2018 08:45

It sounds like a lack of communication - did you tell them you were planning on doing something for DH's birthday? My family are not big on 'milestone' birthdays, so it wouldn't occur to my parents that I was expecting them to be free on my 50th (which is next year, and I plan on ignoring it completely). MIL had a party for her 60th and her 70th, but she gave us plenty of notice. YANBU to be upset that they are unavailable, but YABU to expect them to be mind readers.

Robin2323 · 10/10/2018 08:48

Sorry about your mum
My mil organised a meal out for my 50th ( not on the exact day)

No one else did ( lost my mum at 18 )

I want that bothered about cell celebrating, so really appreciate
Her kindness.

Hope hubby has good birthday anyway.

LightDrizzle · 10/10/2018 08:54

Do your in-laws join you every year on your husband’s birthday? If not, then YABU.
I agree with the consensus, you didn’t give them enough notice. When friends have done something for a big birthday, they’ve emailed everyone at least a couple of months in advance.
I’m 48, when I was a child, some adults had bashes for their 40th, I remember seeing village halls and pub function rooms with balloons, but no adults I knew did. I don’t think 50ths were such a milestone, it was 18th, 21st, 40th, 80th. My grandparents sent my parents cards and in grandma’s case a present to my mother, but they didn’t come over. My mum joined us for lunch in a Michelin started restaurant on my 40th, but isn’t always invited or present for other birthdays, - I often go away with DH, but I’ll see her the weekend before or after. I wouldn’t expect her to keep her diary clear on the off chance. This year we invited her and my Dd and her bf to come away with us and gave them at least 4 months notice. If they’d have had pre-existing plans, I wouldn’t have been at all hurt. My adult daughter now rarely gets to see me on my birthday and vice versa.
I’d let it go, I hope you are not stoking any disappointment on your husband’s side.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/10/2018 09:04

I don't understand if it's that important to you that you didn't arrange the meal sooner with them. Sounds like they thought your weekend away was his birthday celebration and that there wasn't anything else?

People aren't mind readers and like others have suggested I think they may have been holding off to book a trip away to see if you were planning something for him.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/10/2018 09:32

My PIL have never come to, or been interested in attending, any birthdays my DH has had. We celebrate them as a family (me and our DD's). DH also hates a fuss being made of him so it suits him this way.

My DPs on the other hand love a birthday bash and came to my 40th and 50th celebrations.

I guess what i am saying as different families place different importance on birthdays. He is 50 and i am sure he can cope without seeing his DP on his birthday.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/10/2018 09:44

I think you're between a rock and a hard place.

Either DH's family don't make a big fuss of birthdays, in which case YABU to expect them to attend.

Or, they do make a fuss on which case YABU to leave the arrangements so late.

And my RL experience is, once again, very different from the MN opinion. In my world people do celebrate birthdays and big birthdays are definitely made a fuss of. There's none of this "I'm 50 not 5, why would I want anyone to acknowledge my birthday?" stuff in my RL.

NWQM · 10/10/2018 09:48

For me it depends a little on what the norm is in the family. This would upset me on my DH’s behalf but because it could - did happen - but is in sharp contrast to the effort made for his brother. Similarly they made a huge effort to uphold tradition Christmas stuff for their grandchildren but were fed up of it all and go abroad now each year just as we’ve given them grandchildren.

SEsofty · 10/10/2018 11:22

But why on earth didn’t you organise something with them more than a week before

FrenchJunebug · 10/10/2018 12:21

What is it with MN and birthdays!? For my 50th I arranged to go out with my three best friends. No way would have I expected my parents or in laws (if I had any) to drop everything and celebrate with me!

Bessieham · 10/10/2018 12:23

I think you were being unreasonable not to give them a lot more notice.

When my dad had his 50th, my parents gave at least 4 months notice.

crosstalk · 10/10/2018 13:51

OP are you going to comment?

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