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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like some mum's secretly enjoy seeing other mum's struggling?

41 replies

Zara87 · 09/10/2018 22:08

I am just a bit miserable really.
I have 2 ds'. 1 is almost 3 and the other is 6 months old
We regularly go to toddler groups and enjoy them. I'm not shy and my ds is easy going
Whenever a new face comes I always talk to make them feel welcome
If I see someone looking flustered I offer assistance (just little things like their baby is screaming for milk and they're struggling to get it out the bag I'll offer to hold baby for a sec). I'm not over bearing at all, just I can see if someone looks like they're not having a good day and will always try and turn that around for them.

Today i went to a new group. It was quite busy and nobody introduced themselves (that's fine). Anyway a few of us were sat round in a group and my ds wet himself totally out of nowhere. He's been dry for 4 months now. Thankfully I had spare clothes but I was scrabbling round trying to find my bag whilst holding my baby and consoling my ds who was gutted. Nobody said or did anything.
Once we got back from the toilet, it was snack time. I was feeding the baby and all the kids proceeded to the chairs to get juice and a biscuit. There were no chairs left for my ds so I'm walking around the room like an idiot with ds in tow, and baby attached to me trying to find him a chair while the other mum's all just watched. He sat on the floor in the end. I was becoming visibly flustered as I realised we were meant to go and pour their squash ourselves. I felt like all eyes were on me as ds was shouting over again "where's my juice? Where's my juice?"
In the end one mum came over with a chair and a cup of juice and all was fine. But when we left I felt really disheartened and actually a bit tearful. I'm not usually emotional about much but felt like all these people quite enjoyed seeing someone who was having a bad day!
Does it make people feel better about themselves I wonder

OP posts:

QuackPorridgeBacon · 09/10/2018 22:14

I think a lot of people just don’t know how to offer help or fear they may be interfering.

treaclesoda · 09/10/2018 22:17

I think it's more likely that they were caught up with their own children and barely noticed you were stressed. Because they were stressed too. Because toddlers are hard work. But because you were stressed out you felt self conscious.

Babyshark2018 · 09/10/2018 22:17

Hmm I’m really not sure on this one. I have felt this way in baby groups too.

My baby has (I think) silent reflux and I try my best to get out and go to classes etc. The other week she was screaming and unsettled during the session, the Mum next to me was just staring while her perfect baby cooed and gurgled to the music. I ended up walking out early and crying in the car on the way home. I also do swimming lessons with her where she is often unsettled, most of the Mums are lovely but just don’t understand.

In reality they probably are not that focused on you but thinking of their own baby/kids, maybe they want to help but don’t want to feel rude jumping in? That’s what I would like to think anyway.

I’d always help anyone I saw struggling. Unless you’ve had a difficult baby you have no idea how hard it is. It takes a lot for me to get flustered but the last few weeks have nearly broken me.

Hope you’re okay now OP!

cadburyegg · 09/10/2018 22:24

I think a lot of mums are preoccupied with their own kids and don't have a spare hand, or knackered from bad nights etc.

That being said, I took my 2 ds's (3 years, 7 months) to a playgroup yesterday and none of the leaders bothered to say hi/introduce themselves and I was surprised that none of them thought it would be nice to help my 3 year old with a snack when i was feeding the baby. Maybe I am spoilt with the smaller village groups we go to.

Who was running the group? It is their responsibility to welcome people and attempt to help IMO. I have run a baby group in the leader's absence before and always greeted people and said hi etc.

LotsToThinkOf · 09/10/2018 22:25

YANBU, I agree op. I went to lots of groups with my DC, my eldest was 2.5 when the youngest arrived. I'd 'liked' a group on Facebook and it seemed really friendly so I went along. No one spoke! It was in a large sports hall which was also open to the public and had soft play type equipment, but you paid extra as part of the group which I did and then you sat at their designated area.

I tried making eye contact, asked a few questions, all the normal things to get a conversation going - nothing in return. Then DS had a meltdown because I wanted us to leave and he wouldn't put his coat on (it was snowing). We left and the update on Facebook about how it's been a lovely morning and how everyone had welcomed new faces etc etc appeared later. Obviously that wasn't my experience.

I noticed that the posts were always self congratulatory and smug, it was like most of them went there to make themselves feel better. Had I been stronger then I would have posted and given my experience, but I was completely overwhelmed by have two children that I just unliked the page and spent months feeling worthless.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/10/2018 22:26

Thing is I’m a mum of 3 so I’ve kind of got my hands full at these groups so can’t always help people like yourself, sorry but I can’t!

It’s not that I like seeing you struggle it’s that I have 3 dc and they need to be watched, the truth is I and everyone else at these groups probably don’t even really notice you, every week a different child is kicking off about something.....

HellenaHandbasket · 09/10/2018 22:28

Depends tbh. None of what you describe sounds all that stressful so if I saw you I would probably have assumed that you had it all under control.

Nettled · 09/10/2018 22:28

Honestly, OP, I think you're over-reacting somewhat (though understandably) to what was just a not-very-friendly baby group. I don't see any evidence the other women enjoyed seeing you have a bad day. Just because you are clearly friendly and helpful at other groups (and good for you, obviously!) doesn't mean everyone feels that confident in offering assistance. Especially if they are first-time mothers and you have a baby and toddler -- you are bound to code as 'more experienced' and possibly as liable to be annoyed if someone 'interferes'.

I've certainly come across a somewhat tiresome Mother of Two/Three type at some baby groups, who regarded first time mothers as ultra-beginners and specialised in telling people they'd change their tune when they had another one. Not suggesting you are one of them, but it might be that you come across as highly competent, even if you don't feel it...?

Or simply the others were fogged in shitty days of their own, and barely registered you? There were days early on when I was attending baby groups when I couldn't have told you my own name, and all I could think about was dreading the moment where my baby would need to be changed and I would need to try to grab things together and pray no one came in and used the handdryer while we were in the loo, because it made him scream like a banshee.

Villainelle · 09/10/2018 22:33

I joined my village mother and toddlers recently and was so excited I'm so disappointed it's full of rude mums who a couple of times I've tried to chat and they've literally turned their heads and not spoken at all and the kids are horrible pushing over my young toddler and not letting him play. I feel awful because I wanted to get DS out and about and meet local friends but I don't think I can stick this group

cactushack · 09/10/2018 22:38

Depends tbh. None of what you describe sounds all that stressful so if I saw you I would probably have assumed that you had it all under control.

Me too. I'd be wary of interfering. Also as pp have said, I'm quite often finding it hard enough to keep an eye on my own two.

Foofloofah · 09/10/2018 22:44

I think perhaps because you are ‘new’ to the group the other mothers didn’t know how to respond accurately. You clearly are easy going and quick to help but others may not be. Don’t take it to heart. Go back and get to know the other parents. It may take time but that’s we are always busy wiping noses, ensuring our kids don’t embarrass us in public, to shit the whining down before it even begins or scrabbling round for a tissue so we can wipe the most disgusting snot mountain of our hold upper lip before they eat it and make us want to die inside let alone embarrass us in front of other parents. Looking after a little one is like being a ninja & psychic at the same time. Exhausting! Chill! It’s all good. Xx

Babyshark2018 · 09/10/2018 22:45

I disagree that the situation doesn’t sound stressful. When you’re having a bad day stuff like this can send you over the edge, especially when you’ve made the effort to go out.

I am a new Mum though so maybe I just need to toughen up.

Foofloofah · 09/10/2018 22:45

Sorry for typos. Cuddling a baby who won’t settle x

maddjess · 09/10/2018 22:49

Yep to fear of interfering

cactushack · 09/10/2018 22:52

What did you want people to do when your ds wet himself? I probably wouldn't offer to hold a stranger's newborn, I'd worry they'd think I was a weirdo.

Someone eventually helped your ds with the squash and the chair.

I really don't think people enjoy seeing other people struggle!

Doghorsechicken · 09/10/2018 22:57

I also find this at baby groups! I’m not shy so I approached different mums every week to start conversations and most of them look at you like you’re an alien. They already have their own cliques & are not interested in welcoming new people. I don’t bother with groups anymore!

AjasLipstick · 09/10/2018 23:02

Where was the bloody leader in all this?? Makes me SO angry. Whoever was in charge is rude and useless.

Fundays12 · 09/10/2018 23:05

If your new to a group people maybe unsure on offering assistance as it’s not always welcomed. Also I agree with everyone else when I take my son to toddlers groups I am often to busy to notice other mums. It’s not that I mean to be rude but my child is my focus so I watch to see if he is okay first.

MrsReacher1 · 09/10/2018 23:05

Brought back a memory of a day exactly like that when mine were that sort of age. It was so dreadful I never went back. Horrible. It was lonely for a long time.

But I would always smile and be friendly but never offer help or suggest anything - not nowadays. You'd likely get your head bitten off, (and be slated on MN afterwards as being interfering!)

Rebecca36 · 09/10/2018 23:14

This is all new to me because I never went to a toddler group, don't think they existed when I was young and if they did nobody told me. There was play group, nursery school but nothing where mothers had to sit around making conversation with people they don't know.

I'd have hated it! So can imagine how the op feels. However I don't think anything was intended, people often don't know what to say.

MellyPapa · 09/10/2018 23:22

AjasLipstick I'm gald you commented, we're TTC our first so not experienced baby/toddler groups in person. I always had the impression there was a "co-ordinator" whose job it was to make people feel welcome and damn well make sure the new kid had a chair for goodness sake! What a shame. I dread the Baby/Toddler group time as going into a room full of people I don't know and making small talk is my idea of hell but I want to do it to for the social benefits. Realy hope there's some decent ones round here!

InDubiousBattle · 09/10/2018 23:52

Ajas I suppose it depends on the type of toddler group but most of the ones in my area are run by volunteers who have children they're responsible for whilst running it. Unless it's a session at a children's centre it's usually a church hall/scout hut type place and the 'leader' is a mum/grandma/childminder. They aren't useless or rude, they are often taking care of a child whilst trying to do something good, nice, time consuming and often thankless at the same time.
Someone offered you help op, they brought you a chair and your ds a drink. I don't think they enjoyed seeing you struggle.

Dontfeellikeamillenial · 09/10/2018 23:56

I probably wouldn't offer to hold a stranger's newborn, I'd worry they'd think I was a weirdo.

See in other cultures they would offer. Its a British thing, this watching and not helping

BlueberryPud · 10/10/2018 00:22

I'm not usually emotional about much but felt like all these people quite enjoyed seeing someone who was having a bad day!

I'm always wary of interfering with (or trying to 'help') in these situations, for fear of making things worse. Either by being told my help's not needed, or by inadvertently upsetting the child further (a fair number of toddlers don't care for the sudden arrival of a ministering stranger.

In the end one mum came over with a chair and a cup of juice and all was fine

So somebody did help, and I suspect reasonably quickly. Even though it felt like a lifetime to you in your stressed condition it was maybe as long as it takes for someone to actually see you needed help, think what to do about it, find a chair, get some juice. . . .
Give it a few more times. It'll be fine.

AjasLipstick · 10/10/2018 00:27

Melly Most are good. Church run ones are often the best.

Battle I know..but if someone's going to volunteer then they need to be aware that they then have some responsibility towards making people feel welcome.

In every group, there needs to be one person who takes it upon themselves to make an effort.

I found the church groups I attended with mine were the best. They usually had more than one volunteer and were properly organised with decent activities and nice people.

I attended a few but I never saw them as an opportunity to make friends....rather a chance for my children to socialise a bit before nursery or preschool.

I made friends with other Mums once mine began school.

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