To feel like some mum's secretly enjoy seeing other mum's struggling?

[Zara87]

I am just a bit miserable really.
I have 2 ds'. 1 is almost 3 and the other is 6 months old
We regularly go to toddler groups and enjoy them. I'm not shy and my ds is easy going
Whenever a new face comes I always talk to make them feel welcome
If I see someone looking flustered I offer assistance (just little things like their baby is screaming for milk and they're struggling to get it out the bag I'll offer to hold baby for a sec). I'm not over bearing at all, just I can see if someone looks like they're not having a good day and will always try and turn that around for them.

Today i went to a new group. It was quite busy and nobody introduced themselves (that's fine). Anyway a few of us were sat round in a group and my ds wet himself totally out of nowhere. He's been dry for 4 months now. Thankfully I had spare clothes but I was scrabbling round trying to find my bag whilst holding my baby and consoling my ds who was gutted. Nobody said or did anything.
Once we got back from the toilet, it was snack time. I was feeding the baby and all the kids proceeded to the chairs to get juice and a biscuit. There were no chairs left for my ds so I'm walking around the room like an idiot with ds in tow, and baby attached to me trying to find him a chair while the other mum's all just watched. He sat on the floor in the end. I was becoming visibly flustered as I realised we were meant to go and pour their squash ourselves. I felt like all eyes were on me as ds was shouting over again "where's my juice? Where's my juice?"
In the end one mum came over with a chair and a cup of juice and all was fine. But when we left I felt really disheartened and actually a bit tearful. I'm not usually emotional about much but felt like all these people quite enjoyed seeing someone who was having a bad day!
Does it make people feel better about themselves I wonder

You'd likely get your head bitten off, (and be slated on MN afterwards as being interfering!

That's always my worry. As an older lady I'd probably end up being reviled as an interfering old 'biddy' with a cat's bum mouth.
I can't help it if my jowls aren't as pert as they once were.

Still, I'd always offer help in a serious situation. A toddler sitting on the floor shouting 'Where's my juice?' would not strike me as such.
(Apologies to OP. I don't mean to minimise her obvious upset over this. I've had moments of complete despair with my children and completely understand she's upset. Just trying to portray the situation realistically, from another POV)
Give it half a dozen visits OP. It will be fine.

I think you're a thoughtful kind person OP. The thing is other people are often wrapped up in their own bubble & don't even notice anyone else's struggles. I liketo offer help as Ive struggled with all sorts of stuff so I get how it feels, but my closes friend gets embarrassed if I do it while with her. She never even notices the stuff you describe & 'doesn't want to get involved'. If the group knew you better they'd probably notice & lend a hand. Don't worry too much. Just make a point of speaking to the woman who handed you the chair & build some friendships.

sorry you had a rubbish day. I think it's possible they didn't want to be seen as interfering. I once tried to help and could tell straight away she did not appreciate it at all. I always felt she was off with me after that so do understand why people are worried about getting it wrong. I also think people with one child or a baby may be nervous about offering as see you as more experienced with two. I've recently got to know someone with three young children she just asks people and they always help so if you are pretty confident it might be worth just asking next time

I ran playgroups for years, and have been to a few as a ‘client’ as well. The ones where the organisers don’t make any attempt to welcome new people were my least favourite. Yeah I get that they are busy with their own kids too and doing all the crappy work of tidying and washing up etc, but if they aren’t also willing to say hello to new (shy) arrivals, it doesn’t make for a very friendly group. I remember going to one where the two organisers basically spoke to each other and no one else for the whole session! I didn’t go back. I think for many mums, these sessions are their one chance to have some adult company during the day, and that being a host is part and parcel of running a playgroup.

Bog I went to ONE group like that and never returned. It was so awkward and weird! Nobody smiled at anyone and there was no clear leader aside from a woman who stood outside smoking by the open window. She was the one who set up etc.

I asked "Would you like a hand?" when she was starting to clear everything away and she looked at me like I had two heads. She chatted to one other woman and that was that! All the other Mums were quite young Mums...and I was a bit older...I thought "Bless them! They'll think this is life as a Mum now!" You know how sensitive you are when you've got a baby etc.

I had a similar welcome at a church crèche. I never went back (and may have cried all the way home). It certainly challenged my beliefs about the Cristian’s at that church.

I find this all the time. And not just at P&T groups. My 2yo slipped out of my hand once and darted off towards a road. Three people just stood there as he passed them, blocking my way, and watched. I only caught him by the arm at the last second and no one even batted an eyelid.

The groups I tried to go to a few years ago when the kids were younger were horrible, same kind of experiences. But now, out in the street/supermarkets/at my 5 year olds school etc, I've had such lovely kind people offer to help. Mostly it's kind older ladies who say things like "don't worry, I well remember what it's like!" as they offer to hold the trolley, or pick something up I've dropped etc, but there's been a few other mums too. I think at the groups, a lot of mums are new to parenting, and don't immeadiately empathise how stressfull or difficult it can be juggling two....and probably there will be some who are judgy. Try to ignore it though, and it was good you got some help in the end. Don't be afraid to ask if someone can help you a second too, if it seems like someone might be able to lend a quick hand.

'I probably wouldn't offer to hold a stranger's newborn, I'd worry they'd think I was a weirdo.'

WTF? A 'weirdo'?
I agree that there is a peculiarly British cultural inhibition about 'interfering'. I live elsewhere and on holiday in the UK this year I (politely) reminded a dog walker on the designated dog-free beach (which I had deliberately picked for that reason) that it was dog-free. He was completely indignant (and extremely offensive in his response), and it was definitely not just about the affront to his precious dog - I think his main problem was actually the fact that I had said something.

I agree with this 'a fair number of toddlers don't care for the sudden arrival of a ministering stranger', but there are unobtrusive ways of helping or offering help. All this said, I do think spending 'months feeling worthless' (as per a PP) over not having been welcomed to a baby group is a sign of something deeper going on - it's not wise to give a group of essentially irrelevant strangers so much power over your self-esteem, and I do wish new mums (sorry, going to sound like one of those annoying multiple mum types now) would not set so much desperate store by the 'social' aspect of motherhood that seems so terribly important on here.

I wouldn’t be going back OP, I founds groups very clique too. Made they own friends and don’t want to let anyone else in. Shame on them.

Mothers on the thread that are justifying the unwelcoming treatment at the group, ought to place themselves in your shoes, I sure they wouldn’t like it one bit.

There is undoubtedly some people who stand back and feel smug that it’s not them. However, I’m sure most people are just wary of stepping in. Also, with any situation, the more time passes without someone acting, the harder it is to step up and do something.

I think it’s horrible they left your son to sit on the floor! More than one person should have been scurrying about looking for a seat at that point - this ‘I need to focus solely my own child’ is bollocks as the children were sat around a table and could have been monitored while helping find another chair. It’s not ok to see one child excluded from a table and, as well as not wanting you or your son to feel bad, I wouldn’t want my child to think that kind of behaviour is ok.

Keep looking, I’m sure there is nicer groups out there.

I hated toddler groups. I did then but they were hideously cliquey and felt like an extension of school.

If the mums are with their other mum friends you won't even be on their radar.

Depends on the day with me. I rarely went to groups as I'm not a 'joiner' but some days I would be full of the joys of spring and running around helping all and sundry. Others I would just have my head down in my own stuff and not notice outside of my coffee cup bubble

Have you seen some of the AIBUs on here? Offering help seems to insult half of the British public for some reason! They're probably scared to offer - I am sometimes as had several people snap at me before for trying to help

I remember going to groups where a lot of people were like that. The mums that were the worst for it went with friends and didn't bother to say hello to anyone else. It bothered me a bit with my first child but with my second I couldn't have cared less. I see some of the mums now as they are mums at my kids schools and I have never bothered with them. They are usually the ones moaning about everything in their little groups. Just remember there are some lovely people out there too. I have a theory that the nice ones who would actually say hello and have a chat either don't go to these groups or they have seen enough after attending once and never go back.

I’m not surprised you felt awful. I know just what you mean. I used to go to several baby groups where I lived in East London. Some were great, really supportive, friendly people. Others just weren’t, people would be unfriendly, clichey. When I moved, same thing. Group at the top of the village - lovely. Group at the bottom, unfriendly.