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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't 'need' extended family

40 replies

Conflicted1 · 09/10/2018 17:48

I'm slowly phasing out a relative (an aunt) who is a bit of an energy vampire, she tells lies and can't be trusted because she has a tendency to tell the world and his wife people's business.

I also don't agree with some of the things she's doing lately , for example she's reporting her now ex partner to every place she can think of.. The council, the TV licencing, the DWP (he hasn't actually done anything wrong and is a quiet man in his sixties)

DM thinks I'm BU as "you need your family"

So AIBU to think you don't?

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 09/10/2018 17:52

I am nc with dps. So is dh with his. No other relatives except for our dc.
Life is good!!

umpteennamechanges · 09/10/2018 17:54

Meh.

I think extended family are great if they're great and entirely unnecessary if they aren't.

I don't know that many people who have a lot to do with their extended family, probably because most of my friends moved away from home at 18 for uni and have since been in areas away from their family. Tends to be you make time for close family but it's not really easy to see a lot of extended family if you're 200-300 miles away.

I don't feel I'm missing anything by not being close to extended family and I think most (all?) of my large group of friends would say the same.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 09/10/2018 17:55

You need people around you who love you, support you and are there for you when you need them.

It does not follow that you get on well with people purely because you share some genes with them.

We don't have any relatives within 90 minutes' drive. Never see my cousins/aunts/uncles. DH is the same. Pefect.

Original poster
Conflicted1 · 09/10/2018 17:57

I'd be perfectly happy not seeing uncles and aunts at all. I have my DM & Dbro, my DP and our DS.

DM is close to her sister and says she'll never hear the end of it if I stop contact

I told her it's not OK to insist I remain in touch with somebody I find to be quite toxic

OP posts:
Original poster
Conflicted1 · 09/10/2018 18:01

Aunt in question was calling me continuously before I posted and woke me from a very much needed nap (I have a nine month old and I'm pregnant)

The urgency? Can I look up a telephone number for her because apparently she can't use Google Hmm

OP posts:
cariadlet · 09/10/2018 18:07

I don't have any contact with any of my aunties and uncles. No particular reason. Just moved away, had my own life and drifted apart. I can't say that I've ever missed them and I'm sure they're not bothered about me.

Echobelly · 09/10/2018 18:11

I don't have an extended family really, all my cousins are distantly related and I've done fine without that and with no aunts/uncles

MakeAHouseAHome · 09/10/2018 19:19

You certainly DON'T need extended family. My immediate family are amazing. My extended family are utterly toxic.

treezylover · 09/10/2018 19:54

I've lost my extended family this year. They were unbelievably cruel and my immediate family have cut all contact, likely forever. I always thought I needed them and although I'm still grieving, I don't need their poison in my life. A good friend recently told me that we should all surround ourselves with people we truly connect with, even if that means emailing to keep contact with someone on the other side of the world. I think that's good advice.

cannotmakemymindup · 09/10/2018 19:57

Depends on the family.
I have extended family members I'm nc with and others who I would have stay in my house for a week as they're so lovely.
Definitely true that friends can become our family to.

BitchQueen90 · 09/10/2018 20:00

I'm very close to my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) as we're a really small family and all live in the same city.

I'm actually NC with my father who although is immediate family has barely made an impact on my life.

You don't need anyone in your life who is toxic and brings negativity.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 09/10/2018 20:02

I'm sure there must be more to this because nobody actually goes NC because someone rang them with a silly request. She wasn't to know you were napping.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/10/2018 20:20

I think extended family are great if they're great and entirely unnecessary if they aren't.

^^ Completely agree with this. DH and I get on with our extended families, but if anyone's unpleasant, we won't feel bad about phasing them out.

It does bug me when extended family always expect to be visited, but don't return the favour. We have a couple of those relatives and I can see our visits petering out at some point. It can't be totally one-sided when there's travel involved (unless someone's elderly or ill).

CoughLaughFart · 09/10/2018 20:26

Nobody ‘needs’ anybody once they reach adulthood; not even their parents or their partner. They want them. I adore most of my extended family, but they’re in my life because of who they are as people, not because of blood.

ModreB · 09/10/2018 21:04

My DS's learned a lot from extended family who were not ideal, but not toxic.

  1. The Great Uncle who took them to rugby practice when me and DH couldnt due to work. He lectured the coaches, strode around and allowed DS to have his rugby coaching.
  1. The blind cousin who was my grandmothers neice who welcomed my DS's to a destination city twice a year. Yes, she made sandwiches with mouldy bread, which they binned as soon as they left the house, but she loved them, and they loved her, even though she was 70 years older than them. (I also loved her, even though she gave us mouldy sandwiches)
  1. The great aunt with the whistleling bra. She was deaf and had a hearing aid. She fed me the best banana split ever, but conversations were INTERESTING.

I, or my DC's did not need any of these people. But, our lives would have been so much poorer without them.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 09/10/2018 21:06

I’m in contact with my aunts and uncles and cousins and am particularly close to one cousin. But they’re all lovely. There is no reason to stay in touch with extended family if they’re not.

grasspigeons · 09/10/2018 21:10

im really close to two of my aunts and have a close bond with one of my many nephews.

so I don't 'need' them but I am glad they are around.

mrcharlie · 09/10/2018 21:11

I went NC last Christmas with my parents and siblings. Partner doesn't see much of her family...if ever
We rarely keep in touch with friends

Just the 3 of us now including our son.

.....and it's perfect!! We both work, both have a good laugh with work colleagues, son enjoys school

But evenings and weekends are mainly for us. I have no desire to change anything.

BlueJava · 09/10/2018 21:15

I last saw my uncle and aunt 18 years ago. It's vastly improved my life! He's BU!

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/10/2018 21:21

The truth is that whether they are immediate family, extended family or just friends, if they don't bring anything other than rubbish into your life you don't need them.

The problem is that many of these people are very good at making you think that you do need them.

Aprilislonggone · 09/10/2018 21:56

Haven't seen df for 19 years, he has no idea how many dc I have.
Dm binned off 6 years ago, and ten years previous to that.
Families are very over rated ime.

toomuchtooold · 10/10/2018 05:31

When I went NC with my abusive mother, I also lost contact with my extended family. I miss them a bit, but because my mother isolated me and my dad from friends and family, I was never all that close to any of them, and since my mother cares a lot about appearances, my not contacting them (and setting them straight on whatever face saving lies she's told about why they don't see me) keeps me a bit safer from her trying to find us. So I would agree you don't need them, although for preference I would still have them in my life.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 10/10/2018 05:33

Growing up, I was quite lonely as I only have one cousin. I was really jealous of my friends with big families.

If you cut ties, I think you need to make a big effort to fill your life with other people. Not having a network/community can be really difficult.

No need to have toxic people in your life, but having no one is pretty shit too.

stellabird · 10/10/2018 05:41

I have no extended family. Just my parents. I've never had a problem with it.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 10/10/2018 06:15

My mum is one of ten children so my extended family is huge ( I have over forty cousins). I live on the other side of the world from all of them and its bliss. I wouldn't have it any other way, the only one I miss is my mum.

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