To think you don't 'need' extended family

[Conflicted1]

I'm slowly phasing out a relative (an aunt) who is a bit of an energy vampire, she tells lies and can't be trusted because she has a tendency to tell the world and his wife people's business.

I also don't agree with some of the things she's doing lately , for example she's reporting her now ex partner to every place she can think of.. The council, the TV licencing, the DWP (he hasn't actually done anything wrong and is a quiet man in his sixties)

DM thinks I'm BU as "you need your family"

So AIBU to think you don't?

I got to say without my extended family I would have probably gone off the rails. About 15 years ago my mother did something really crazy and caused a lot of heart ache and upset. Without my extended family swooping in and helping out my sister and I would have completely gone insane. In fact I was suicidal anyway. Then my sister and I found out my uncles and aunt spent 10 years dealing with my crazy mother making sure she ran to them and deliberately excluded my sister and I from the even more crazy things she did, so we could get on with being young people trying to forge a life for ourselves without her drama. When she died they did everything and we are massively grateful. But really in the years since childhood they have only ever seen us a handful of times. Once the funeral was over we all went back to living our lives. But I learned a valuable lesson, you don’t have to be in your relatives pockets to care a be there when the shit hits the fan.

I had a hopeless mother, but got the best extended family.

I don't think you do at all. I was always raised to believe that family comes first, that the tonnes of aunts, uncles and cousins I have are important because they are blood. Well, they're not. After my mum died I discovered that most are an unsupportive,selfish, narcissistic shower of bastards.
I am now nc with so many of them and my my MH is so much better for it.

Since my Mum died I only speak to my dad and my Mum's brother, the rest of my family have disgusted me and I went NC with them.

Honestly? I’ve barely noticed.

I don’t have any extended family...just my parents (extremely close to them) and then my sister who I’m very low contact with (seen once in 2.5yrs).
I have my lovely DP, our DS, his family who I’m very close to - especially his sister. And lots of extremely good friends.
I definitely don’t feel like I miss out.

My dad once said to me when I was being particularly horrible as a teen that family deserved to be treated as well/politely as a friend or a stranger on the street - just because you're secure with them doesn't mean you can be beastly to them.

However the converse is also true, and he told me never to accept family members being beastly or rude to me just because they're family!

I think if extended family enrich your life and they support you, then they are absolutely worth bending over backwards to stay in touch and see regularly. The moment they start becoming an issue, either assert yourself and state your boundaries, or distance yourself if the family dynamics require it.

Good thread. Have been wrestling with this exact idea. My extended family are a bit distant with each other but we get together for the big holidays and have fun. I like having them in my life. If I lived closer to them I would see more of them. DHs family are like that house in the money pit, a fecking never ending time consuming drama. I wish he would have less to do with them, but he is of the view that you do anything for family, regardless of whether they are a positive in your life or not.

You don’t NEED extended family, no. Is it nice? Maybe. I wouldn’t know!

I have three aunts and an uncle and I haven’t seen or spoken to them in maybe fifteen years? I haven’t even spoken to my mother in four years. I have a sibling I haven’t seen and rarely spoken to in four years. I have cousins I’ve never met.

But I love the little family I do have. I have a sister I’m very close with, and a brother who I see/speak with regularly. My dad and my stepmother I speak to once a week and see them maybe once a month. And of course my DH (who’s entire family live abroad so we rarely see them as they refuse to come here. For some reason?)—I’m very happy with all of this. My family is very fractured with a lot of strong/difficult personalities. It feels wicked to say but I’m so much less stressed since I stopped speaking to my mother. It’s like a weight lifted off my shoulders. All my aunts are very opinionated too (I hear what’s going on through my dad) and I just don’t have the time/energy/inclination to put myself in a position where I feel overwhelmed with trying to please people. So I just stepped back. Honestly, don’t keep people in your life who make it more difficult, family or not. A card at Christmas, maybe another at Easter and that’s enough.

I am with you!!!!!
The energy being taken away is unreal. I lost sleep last night when I learnt SIL has asked DP to book a holiday next summer with her and her kids.
It is NOT happening. I am so anxious just thinking about it!!

There are plenty of people in life who manage happily enough without any, so no of course they're not strictly necessary. When the relationships are good though, they can really enhance your life.

I have intermittent contact with a few aunts on my dad's side. Not really in contact with any cousins apart from odd Facebook contact. Even those that were similar in age grew up all around the world from me.

People say it's nice to be close to family, and I just think, why? Why is it nice? It's nice to have nice people and support networks in your life, sure, but what is SPECIFICALLY nice about those people being family?

In a rush of misguided enthusiasm for house ownership, I suggested that we host my fiance's quarterly fmily get togethers (the cousins on his mum's side, plus any descendents). Now I've come to my senses! None of these people REALLY know us. Not in six years of going to these things. They see us as pleasant to talk to, but can't remember our jobs one season to the next.

Going to thse gatherings wastes a perfectly good Sunday in small talk with people who just want to catch up with their actual close relatives. So we will never host (fiance will never have the initiative to sort it on his own!), and when we have a family of our own, we can hopefully duck out of more.

I have a large family. I didn't realise I had a large family until I was about 11, as we don't see or speak to most of them. I have 14 cousins and wouldn't know 10 of them if they passed me in the street. Some relationships were deliberately severed, and some just dwindled away (by my parents). Some of my relatives are toxic and I have no desire to find them. Extended family is great if they bring joy, but why put yourself through the agony of dealing with a woman who is clearly out to cause trouble? I wouldn't bother discussing it with your DH - phase the aunt out and I bet he doesn't even notice.

I don't hardly ever ever see my aunts/uncle's or cousins. My dh is the same with his. I use to be super close to one set of cousins but there was a fall out and haven't been close now in years.

My kids are close to their cousins but I'm closer to my sister and brothers than my parents were with their siblings. So it would be crap if they weren't all close when older and I'd hope my nieces and nephews didn't feel like that about me and felt like they could come to me if they ever needed anything.

My own mother's like that. I cut her out 2 years ago. My life is so much less dramatic. Extended family I only see at family parties and I dont speak to them. I've survived. If rather have a small group of trusted family than a large group of nonsense

The trouble is needs and wants change over time and what seems like a 'one way street' type relationship or overbearing situation now could literally flip over night. I now regret not making the effort with my family.

Until a few years ago I had a strong circle of friends, known for 15+ years and many were also low or no contact with their own families. We 'acted' like a surrogate extended family for each other. A miscarriage, a job loss and a bout of depression later and not one of these friends is still in touch with me. Several live in neighbouring streets and on the rare occasion we cross paths we exchange pleasantries but little else. That song lyric 'someone I used to know' pops in my head every time. If you'd told me this would happen just a couple of years ago I would never have believed you.

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that friends, partners etc come and go (and usually don't come back!) so what you 'need' today in terms of family relationships might look very different tomorrow.

art I agree. I’m all for cutting out truly toxic people, but true friends are few and far between. Most people are not interested in weathering the storms with anyone outside their family.