How to deal with sons behaviour at school

[xxx13xx]

DS is (5) started reception in September.
Everyday since he started he has either scratched, hit or bitten another child. We’ve had parents turn up at our home address, Facebook status written about us, and the good old playground gossip.
We are now at the point he spends every break time, and lunch time with the deputy headteacher.
We are waiting for a referral for pedestrians.
I’m not making up excuses for my sons behaviour and I simply don’t know why he’s acting this way. I’m so lost and feel lonely as I don’t have how to deal with all this. At home he’s like a completely different child. Any advice? Or where to turn to?

How was he with other kids before starting reception? It sounds like you are in a tough situation. All you can do is apologise to other parents if approached and encourage them to raise issues via the school. Keep in close contact with the school and support them in managing the behaviour. I would personally be giving a lot of praise to your ds if he manages a day (or even half a day) without being violent. Is there any suggestion he might have any additional needs?

He’d been at nursery since 9 months old, and never had an issue apart from the odd bite or scratch to another child when he was a toddler but nothing aggressive. We’ve tried sticker charts at home apart been kind to his friends but we are yet to have a day where he hasn’t hurt another child. These no suggestion of add needs, but there previously has been talks about ADHD or low spectrum autism from the HV but nursery never felt that their was an issue. We are waiting for a referral to come through though, more for a peace of mind for myself. I feel like such a crap parent and don’t feel like these much support.

Any advice or tips? Had another incident of DS cutting a child’s hair in school today 😣 Now causing arguments at home with DH as he’s had the child’s father confront him on Facebook about it.

Has another child been doing these things to him? He could be being bullied and this is his response. What does he say when you ask him about it and why he has done it? He sounds distressed about something.

Don't engage with other parents; school should be informing them that it is being dealt with.

Don't worry about playground gossip; focus will switch to another child in few weeks (probably the one who gets the lead in the nativity play).

We very rarely have an issue with his behaviour at home, but if we do we talk to him about feelings, and what he did wrong, and if we need to we have a quite area (bean bag in living room) where he has to sit for 5 mins to think about what he did. As I had in my OP he’s a completely different child at home, or outside of school. This is why I feel so lost on how to address the issue as he isn’t like this at home. We’ve talked about moving him schools but these only one school in our town and it would mean one of us having to re-think our jobs to take him to another school in another town.

clairedelalune We haven’t been made aware of another child doing these things to him. He’s a very confident and outgoing child. When he’s spoken to him about why he’s been unkind to his friends at school we get the same response ‘I don’t know’ this morning he even said on the walk to school ‘I promise to be kind today mummy’ so he knows he needs to be kind but it’s like we forgets? I dunno?

Thankfully I’m not on Facebook, and ignore the playgroup gossip... I actually wait outside the school gates until the bell rings so I can literally walk in drop him off at his class room and leave without having to deal with the playgroup.

Ds has had difficult behaviour at times at school. We’re getting through it now, there is hope.
I’m not being patronising - this is what I’ve done. Back to basics. Sleep, plenty hours before midnight. Food, lots but all the food groups.
Toilet, regular pooing.
After that start looking for patterns. And make time to spend with him on positive things.
It’s really crap but we’re not that long into the term.

It sounds like your DS is really struggling. Have the school put anything in place to help him? If asd has already been flagged as a possibility could they try using strategies they use to help asd children e.g. Visual, quiet spaces etc. We tried sticker charts etc but they didn't really work because our dc was just overwhelmed and unable to cope. In fact I think that it just added to the pressure, as it was another thing showing that he was bad / naughty. Having other parents confronting you must be hard and add to the stress.

He sounds incredibly stressed at school. If he's esculating this badly then you need to push the school for educational psychologists assessment. And pursue nhs side separately.

Have you talked with schools senco

Do you have any opportunity for him to interact with other children NOT at Reception?

If you observed him interact with another child, one on one, that might give you some clues. Likewise being able to see how he behaves in a group of 3-5 other kids. If he loses his rag in those smaller groups then that might point to a different issue to being in a huge overwhelming class of 15+ people. It could be a factor.

He’s only just started so school don’t know him or us a family yet. These nothing been put in place apart from his break time and lunch times been spent with the head but she’s been doing some ‘fun’ work with him to try and figure out basically what’s going on. The ASD flag was picked up by a HV about 2 years old but nothing ever came about it as nursery had no concerns. We are waiting for a referral... could be weeks/months before we hear about an appointment though.

@Sethis He goes swimming lessons every Monday, and Tennis lessons every Saturday morning, plus we have lots of friends with children of all ages (4 months old- 16 year+) so he’s around other children on a regular basics outside of school.

It must be so stressful having all the parents approach you on Facebook they are really better to discuss things with the staff at school.

At ours we had a reminder sent out parents should speak to staff and not approach other parents directly.

It does seem like he's finding school stressful, my DS was similar much better at his Nursery.

You are doing the right things. My own DS went through something similar when he started school. He was a bright, outgoing, happy toddler and well settled at nursery who saw no problems at all (well he a was a bit tantrummy and liked his routine but so are many toddlers, and the nursery workers who knew him from a baby could calm him down easily enough) until he started school and then all hell broke loose.

Getting a referral is a good idea. For my DS it turned out to be an ASC, DS couldn't cope with the new setting and new demands. Luckily we didn't get much shit from other parents, I think the school were very good at intervening and protecting the other kids, and the teacher had taught a simlar child before and knew the kind of things that would help to keep DS calm although things didn't really improve until DS was diagnosed and the school put extra support in place because he did need one to one.

You are not a crap parent. There is a limit to what you can do at home - I couldn't discipline effectively at home for what happened in school, and the school rarely asked me to because it just made DS more unahppy and anxious and aggressive in school. DS behaved well at home because home just didn't have the same triggers - noise, bustle, lots of other kids, unstructured play with less supervision tha nursery, etc.

While waiting for the referral I got good support from the HV and also from a parenting group. I was the only parent of a child awaiting assessment but the group leader was really understanding about how hard it is to discipline when you don't really know what is causing a child's behaviour - it is unfair trying to reward or punish if they can't help it or can't understand cause and effect, and until DS was assessed we didn't know what he could and couldn't do. The group leader supported me to keep things consistent, calm and friendly at home. I found that "if in doubt, treat it as a can't not a wont" worked very well.

It was a horrible time though. Things only really started to get better after DS's diagnosis and when he started getting support.

How does he get on with all these other kids outside of school? At school, does it seem indiscriminate or is he perhaps frustrated with a particular child or group who may be goading him now they know he rises?
I haven’t had trouble at school but I was shocked when my third born started biting and scratching as my older two never had. It was easier as it wasn’t at school and was mostly aimed at his brothers - but it turned out to be frustration because he was unable to keep up with 2 older brothers play and conversations - he wasn’t yet articulate enough to express how he was feeling at age 4/5. Does he have friends he enjoys playing with at school? Is he feeling left out?

@xxx13xx

Sorry, I'm not sure I expressed myself clearly.

It's great that he has experience with other kids outside of school. Do you directly watch him while he's at swimming and tennis - not to see how he is doing at the sports, but rather to see how he talks to and interacts with the other children there? Be completely out of his sight line and watch him carefully. Ditto when other kids are visiting or you're visiting other people. I know when people meet up with their kids it's often "Go play guys, your mother wants to chat with her friends" kind of thing, but if possible could you closely monitor what your son is doing while not being obvious about it? From the next room, through the doorway etc

Not to prevent him from doing anything crazy, but just to get a clear picture of whether the anger/violence is specific to Reception in particular, or if it's something that can be seen even when playing in a living room with a couple of other kids. I'm a bit loathe to include swimming and tennis as good examples of this, as most of the time in those sports you're not really having close proximity interaction with your peers, and you're too busy running around to have energy to spare for hitting and scratching.

Following

We don’t have an issue with him outside of school. He gets on great with other kids, always making new friends if we go out to the park or a new place where these other children. As I said in OP he’s a completely different child a home, it’s hard to believe it’s the same child in fact. He appears to be happy at school, he’s always saying hello to lots of children on the walk to school and talking about other children in his class, he’s got a party invite for this weekend, and happy to go to school every morning. I haven’t asked the teachers if it’s the same children he’s hurting... I know of 3 different children so far he’s hurt but unsure if it’s just the once or repeatedly.

@Sethis

Ah, I get what you mean now. Sorry. I haven’t sat there and watched how he is with other children actually... apart from ensuring he’s not going any crazy stuff. Now you’ve mentioned it I will definitely observe him around other children to see how he is.

I think I’d probably be a bit firmer about him telling you why he’s done things, so that you can get to the bottom of why he’s behaving like this. So I would sit him down, ask him ‘what happened today when Jack was hurt?’ If he says he doesn’t know I would say ‘ok, but I think you do know because you were there. So you need to sit here and have a think and I’ll ask you again in a few minutes.’ Perhaps another child is doing something to him that the teacher isn’t noticing and he’s just retaliating? Or maybe there’s another child in his ear telling him to do things? So I’d be trying to get him to talk to you about what’s going on.

Also, what’s the teacher like? My foster son was horrendously naughty for a year at school because the teacher was very nice but had no control over him and so he just got totally out of control. The next year we moved schools and he got a nice but strict teacher and we’ve had no problems since.

The school is failing all of the kids by not keeping the others safe from your DS and not giving your DS the support he needs to participate in class safely. Imo you need to push for an assessment ASAP as this situation is unacceptable for all involved and can’t continue.

My DS was a ver bright child and went to nursery from 8 months as well. Then when he was in reception year he had a few incidents such as banging another childs head against a wall . He also hated his teacher.

Years later found out he had Aspergers, but now they just say you are on the autistic spectrum. My son was so frustrated. He was going over things he already did in nursery. Also I suspect he found it hard to find himself in a class with more rigid structures.

A lot of those with autism also have sensory issues regarding lighting, sounds and smells as well as difficulty in communicating with with others. If he finds it difficult to express himself even to you this is maybe why he is lashing out.

Things will get better. So just ignore the other parents and focus on working with the school and other parties to help your son.

Ask all the parents who are complaining direct to you to complain to the school. Tell them, the more they contact the school and complain about any incidents, the more school will be motivated to get professionals in to help your son.

That should give the school added momentum in trying to find out what the difficulties are.