Punishments

[Wherearemycarkeys]

My friend is really struggling since becoming a mother with memories of her childhood, because she says she couldn't bear the thought of doing to her child what her mother did to her and it makes her feel really angry with her mother. She told me that as a child she was extremely frightened of the dark so when she was naughty her mum would remove her lightbulb from her room and lock her in there for ages. She said she removed her favourite teddies so she'd have no comfort and leave her in there while she cried and cried in the dark. I think this is disgusting and abusive but she's not so sure and thinks maybe it was a normal punishment at the time (would have been early nineties). I just wanted some opinions about this because she's trying to work out why and where her relationship with her mother went wrong (they're now NC and she's happier but just wants to figure it out a bit for closure). I think that this might have been the sort of behaviour that started problems between them (she said as a child she felt really angry and upset a lot of the time and I think maybe punishments like this were part of the reason she felt like this). What do you think? Is this sort of punishment abusive or normal?

I agree - write the letter, don't send it, consider counselling. All good ideas.

Definitely not normal at any time under any circumstances. Absolutely discussing, absolutely abuse no question. These kind of people shouldn't be allowed near children

I was a kid in the 70s and my parents were fairly strict, but wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything like this.

It's emotional abuse. If I found out that it was happening to a child in my class, I'd be obliged to log it as a safeguarding concern.

Is an alcoholic still an alcoholic if they only drink inside the house?
Abusers never like to expose their abusive behaviour if they are trying to present as mother goodness. That is why she did it out of sight. What goes on in the home, stays in the home, attitude.
Writing it all down would help. Then reread and have a ceremonial burning of the letter and as the ashes blow away, imagine that hurt blowing away too.
Hugs to your friend.

as a contrast, I shut myself under the stairs, in a fit of wondering whether it was really true that you could not get out from the inside. It was. My dad changed the catch so that it could never happen again.

That behaviour would be considered abusive in the 90s. Making newsheadlines abusive.

My punishments were being grounded, reduction of computer time, or being shouted at, generally. Once or twice I got a slap from my Mum, and my Dad would very, very, very rarely grab me by the back of the neck when I was being a complete arse in public. I think he did it twice, total. This was also in the 90s.

Neither of my parents locked me in a room I was terrified of. Because that's fucked up.

Sadly it's extremely rare that you find truth, honesty and reconciliation 20 years down the line. I'm pretty sure the only peace your friend is going to find is within herself, by making sure she knows much better than her mum ever did how to treat a child who misbehaves.

That is disgusting, horrible, cruel and abusive. Your friend's mother's heart must be made of ice. I'm so sorry for your friend - I hope she can find warmth and love elsewhere, and be the warm kind loving mother to her child that she didn't have. x

There are few things that truly upset me, but one of them is seeing/hearing my child in fear. It hasn't happened very often. I would do a lot to never see/hear it again. I can't imagine why a good parent would be happy to see/hear it.

I am not sure this would ever have been considered acceptable. Even Jane Eyre and Oliver Twist portray mistreatment of children like this as cruel. Perhaps accepting she was abused will help your friend come to terms with things and move on, maybe she needs some counselling

Horrible! I have a DD myself & the thought of doing that to her literally breaks my heart - even if she were the naughtiest little bastard going, not acceptable. She should send the letter, maybe her mother won't acknowledge it or apologise but never underestimate the power of planting the seed.