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AIBU?

Punishments

35 replies

Wherearemycarkeys · 09/10/2018 10:48

My friend is really struggling since becoming a mother with memories of her childhood, because she says she couldn't bear the thought of doing to her child what her mother did to her and it makes her feel really angry with her mother. She told me that as a child she was extremely frightened of the dark so when she was naughty her mum would remove her lightbulb from her room and lock her in there for ages. She said she removed her favourite teddies so she'd have no comfort and leave her in there while she cried and cried in the dark. I think this is disgusting and abusive but she's not so sure and thinks maybe it was a normal punishment at the time (would have been early nineties). I just wanted some opinions about this because she's trying to work out why and where her relationship with her mother went wrong (they're now NC and she's happier but just wants to figure it out a bit for closure). I think that this might have been the sort of behaviour that started problems between them (she said as a child she felt really angry and upset a lot of the time and I think maybe punishments like this were part of the reason she felt like this). What do you think? Is this sort of punishment abusive or normal?

OP posts:

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BeautifulBlue · 09/10/2018 20:02

Horrible! I have a DD myself & the thought of doing that to her literally breaks my heart - even if she were the naughtiest little bastard going, not acceptable. She should send the letter, maybe her mother won't acknowledge it or apologise but never underestimate the power of planting the seed.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 09/10/2018 18:52

I am not sure this would ever have been considered acceptable. Even Jane Eyre and Oliver Twist portray mistreatment of children like this as cruel. Perhaps accepting she was abused will help your friend come to terms with things and move on, maybe she needs some counselling

Thisreallyisafarce · 09/10/2018 18:32

There are few things that truly upset me, but one of them is seeing/hearing my child in fear. It hasn't happened very often. I would do a lot to never see/hear it again. I can't imagine why a good parent would be happy to see/hear it.

QueSera · 09/10/2018 18:13

That is disgusting, horrible, cruel and abusive. Your friend's mother's heart must be made of ice. I'm so sorry for your friend - I hope she can find warmth and love elsewhere, and be the warm kind loving mother to her child that she didn't have. x

Sethis · 09/10/2018 18:11

My punishments were being grounded, reduction of computer time, or being shouted at, generally. Once or twice I got a slap from my Mum, and my Dad would very, very, very rarely grab me by the back of the neck when I was being a complete arse in public. I think he did it twice, total. This was also in the 90s.

Neither of my parents locked me in a room I was terrified of. Because that's fucked up.

Sadly it's extremely rare that you find truth, honesty and reconciliation 20 years down the line. I'm pretty sure the only peace your friend is going to find is within herself, by making sure she knows much better than her mum ever did how to treat a child who misbehaves.

BlackeyedSusan · 09/10/2018 17:59

as a contrast, I shut myself under the stairs, in a fit of wondering whether it was really true that you could not get out from the inside. It was. My dad changed the catch so that it could never happen again.

That behaviour would be considered abusive in the 90s. Making newsheadlines abusive.

Jamiefraserskilt · 09/10/2018 17:55

Is an alcoholic still an alcoholic if they only drink inside the house?
Abusers never like to expose their abusive behaviour if they are trying to present as mother goodness. That is why she did it out of sight. What goes on in the home, stays in the home, attitude.
Writing it all down would help. Then reread and have a ceremonial burning of the letter and as the ashes blow away, imagine that hurt blowing away too.
Hugs to your friend.

cariadlet · 09/10/2018 17:54

I was a kid in the 70s and my parents were fairly strict, but wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything like this.

It's emotional abuse. If I found out that it was happening to a child in my class, I'd be obliged to log it as a safeguarding concern.

IrishMumInLondon · 09/10/2018 17:52

Definitely not normal at any time under any circumstances. Absolutely discussing, absolutely abuse no question. These kind of people shouldn't be allowed near children

BertieBotts · 09/10/2018 17:49

I agree - write the letter, don't send it, consider counselling. All good ideas.

OurMiracle1106 · 09/10/2018 17:37

I was a 90s kid and being sent to my room or threatened with not going riding on the weekend or mobile taken away was my punishment. Very very rarely did I get a snack and it was always on my bottom and I only think that was 2/3 times tbh.

What her mother did was not normal. Or acceptable.

Almostfifty · 09/10/2018 14:52

Mine were born in the nineties. I would think anyone doing this was twisted.

Poor little girl.

stinkyfeets · 09/10/2018 14:47

Sorry I meant to add, I know my experience wasn't exactly the same but I feel so much better not having to speak to them and it probably won't help her by doing so.

IMO she's better off seeking some professional help and not bothering with her mother.

stinkyfeets · 09/10/2018 14:43

I was a young child in the 90s and my parents used to smack me all the time with a wooden spoon. I'd regularly be threatened by them rattling the spoon drawer. They would regularly wash my mouth out with soap if I repeated any bad words or was "mouthy". I have memories of barricading myself in my room pushing against the door as my mum would be forcing her way in to smack me.

It's only recently that I realised it was abusive when mentioning it to DH and he was shocked.

I seriously struggle now to come to terms with how they treated me since having my own dc. Our relationship is non existent as a result.

Wherearemycarkeys · 09/10/2018 14:24

Thank you for all the replies everyone, really helpful to hear your thoughts! Xx

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 09/10/2018 12:51

Writing the letter is a great idea - sending it is not. Women like her mother will just use it against her, showing it around her friends (and anyone else) as an example of how ungrateful her daughter is, and a liar too! It certainly won't wake her up to herself.

No contact is the best way. Healing doesn't lie in the hands that abused you. Your friend can find help if she googles Adult Children of Narcissistic Mothers, or Childhood Emotional Neglect. She can also read the work of Dr Jonice Webb, or Dr Karyl McBride. Also Alice Miller books.

nellieellie · 09/10/2018 11:50

I was a child in the 60s. That sort of behaviour would have been seen as cruel then. Purposefully scaring a child is not normal punishment. I know that even today some parents remove teddies or dolls as punishment. I would never ever do that, because children really love their teddies, so taking them away is just cruel.

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2018 11:38

There have been cruel parents throughout history. Locking a child in a dark room would have been considered cruel by the vast majority of people at any time ever.

WasabiSpring · 09/10/2018 11:35

It might be a bad idea to send that sort of letter to her mother, especially if they are NC. She'd have to think through her reasons for wanting to do it - whether she is looking for a response or not and what the possible responses might be.

If she is just wanting to make it known it was not okay and is prepared for denial, being ignored or excuses / lack of apology / being blamed still then a letter could be cathartic. Sometimes it's enough to just let someone know what they did was wrong.

recklessruby · 09/10/2018 11:34

My dcs were little in the 90s too. I would never have done that. It's really cruel and ds was scared of the dark. He used to have a little night light all the time.

stressedtiredbuthappy · 09/10/2018 11:31

That's just fucking evil.
Personally, I think emotional abuse is worse that hitting kids, although I don't agree with that either.

Storm4star · 09/10/2018 11:29

My DCs were young in the 90s and I'd go so far as to say that what her mother did was sadistic. To leave her in the dark, bad enough, but to lock her in and take away any source of comfort? Extremely cruel. It would never have even crossed my mind to do something like that to my DCs. As a mother you do your best to soothe your child's fears. Not use them against them in some twisted punishment.

Wherearemycarkeys · 09/10/2018 11:02

What would you do to move on from this? Mutual friend said discuss it with a counsellor but she's not so sure. She's considering writing a letter to her mother to explain how her behaviour made her feel as a child and today and just having it as a closure letter - she wants her to know that what she did wasn't okay and that she no longer accepts that she was a problem for being a normal child (the bad things she did were things like quarrelling with her brother or talking back - never in trouble at school, never even got a detention, always did well and tried hard, never late home or rebellious or anything)

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wijjy · 09/10/2018 11:02

That's a Roald Dahl book punishment.

whatwillbewillbe03 · 09/10/2018 11:02

there are many things in my childhood that my parents did that i will never understand.. I thought about them alot after i had my own daughter and i was angry, hurt, upset and confused.

My mum died at 49 and i have accepted that will never get answers and to be honest i don't think she would think she did anything to be answerable for if she was alive and i asked.

I have now let it all go. Its made a huge difference to my life and how i live it. I go out of my way to ensure my daughter will never feel towards me the way i felt towards my own mum. I ensure she has everything i NEVER had without her being too spoilt.

I hope your friend comes to see that her mother's behaviour was not acceptable and she can also let go and move on xx

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