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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to really resent my MIL?!

40 replies

IAteTheLastOne · 09/10/2018 08:45

Before the baby, we had to book time to see her weeks in advance. Weeks. Now, after the baby I have to see her every week (which is fair enough) and she’s been sneakily edging in an extra visit midweek. Now my fella is at work, and didn’t really see his mum that much, it’s left to me to spend time with her. She is obsessed with DD. OBSESSED. Even talking about changing retirement plans so that she doesn’t miss ‘her time’. Refers to my DD as ‘hers’ and ‘my ___’. She even let slip ‘Come to mummy’ a couple of times!!

She was fixated on being present for every ‘first’. My argument is that she has 3 children of her own and has had her firsts. I’d like to experience my firsts with my child. She requests photos every day, and if I don’t send straight away she contacts DH! She’s smothering me and I’m starting to resent her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Pollypanda · 09/10/2018 08:57

YANBU. She is overbearing and not allowing you the space to enjoy your baby how you wish. Nip it in the bud before it gets even worse - and it will, trust me I speak from experience! Say you’re happy for her to see DD once a week but any additional visits have to suit you not her. Don’t waver, give her an inch and she’ll take a mile.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/10/2018 08:58

Don't let her in unless your DH is there.

Don't send her pictures or respond to texts.

Tell her plainly "Stop! You are intruding on my time with my child"

And let your DH deal with her after that! If he is sensible he will simply repeat "It's too much, mum. You are intruding on our time with our child"

ExFury · 09/10/2018 08:59

What does your DH do when she contacts him? You need to get him to deal with her expectations “We’ll send you any nice photos as and when we take them. IAte is busy.”

SnuggyBuggy · 09/10/2018 09:00

Put your foot down now and don't let this get worse

Returnofthesmileybar · 09/10/2018 09:01

Nip this in the bud now!! Your oh's family is his responsibility, he sees his mother on his time not yours. And definitely stop the firsts

user1457017537 · 09/10/2018 09:02

Not another MIL one

Gottagetmoving · 09/10/2018 09:04

That is a bit much.
It's best to be honest and tell her it's all a bit much. Be nice and tell her you are glad she wants to be involved in her GDs life but you can't accommodate all the visits she wants.
Try to come to some arrangement. How she reacts is not your problem so long as you are reasonable with her.
Then it's up to her to act like a grown up.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 09/10/2018 09:06

Why bother, User? If some women have issues with their MILs then they have issues. It's pretty obvious why...

... you could have just not bothered clicking and reading, the post title was pretty clear!

Original poster
IAteTheLastOne · 09/10/2018 09:09

user1457 bore off

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 09/10/2018 09:09

Get busy OP! I mean really busy..so busy you dont have time to turn around with appointments etc! You don't have to be busy by the way,but tell her you are!! By the way..your child = your rules!!!

Feellikeimthemaid · 09/10/2018 09:09

As the others have said, you need to put your foot down now before things get any worse. Don't allow the midweek visits - say you're busy, you don't have to explain what you're doing. If you hear her referring to herself as 'mummy' to your DD then say quite firmly "please don't refer to yourself as mummy to DD, you'll confuse her". Or be blunter and say out loud "You're Granny, not mummy" with a sweet smile on your face Smile.

Most importantly you need to discuss with your DH how this is making you feel and get him on your side so he can back you up if she contacts him.

It's daunting having to stand up to someone so domineering, but once you've done it a few times it will come easier. She's treating you like this because she can, so don't let her. Good luck OP.

Feefeetrixabelle · 09/10/2018 09:09

Just ask your husband to message her and tell her to stop with the constant requests. Ask him to ask her how many daily
Pictures she sent her mil of him. The answer would be none. Just because the technology know means you can doesn’t mean your obliges to

LilMy33 · 09/10/2018 09:17

Let her go to her son for pictures of the baby. If you really don’t want to see her on a particular day, be busy and don’t reply til much later on when you want to if she does ask to tag along. You didn’t see her follow up message as you were... busy.

As long as she still sees you all regularly there’s no problem, or shouldn’t be, by being less available.

LilMy33 · 09/10/2018 09:23

And definitely correct her when she calls herself mummy. Not in a mean way just a light “isn’t granny silly getting mixed up DD?” To the baby.

I had to do this a lot. In the end ex MIL got more and more passive aggressive until she slipped up and called me fat to the baby and I suggested she needed to see the doctor about her age related senility. Everyone else there was Shock

Original poster
IAteTheLastOne · 09/10/2018 09:24

I think I’m going to be busy all week in future! And not take any pictures at all

OP posts:
Pollypanda · 09/10/2018 09:25

OP could you get an app like Lifecake to upload pictures so both sides of the family can see them, not just MIL. That way when she asks for more pictures you can say you’ll be uploading them to Lifecake soon. It’s also nice to look back at the pictures and see what your baby was doing on certain days and when they hit certain milestones.

ilooovechristmas · 09/10/2018 09:26

YANBU!!! She is being pathetic and if I was you I'd ask DH to tell her to back of !! My MIL has fallen out with us twice now on DD birthday. Because I won't allow her to come to my house at 6 AM! So she's there to open presents with DD! Just complete idiots

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/10/2018 09:28

What do you say to her when she says come to mummy? I hope you say something as that is beyond odd.

I get wanting to spend time with your GC but it's got to be convenient for both parties, is it her first GC?

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 09:30

This initial excitement should calm down a bit. But in the meantime your dh needs to tackle some of the behaviour.

If she texts him that you haven’t responded, he needs to tell her you have your hands full and it is too much to expect you to send photos every time she wants them.

When she says she wants to b there for every first, turn it into a joke. Talking to the baby is fantastically passively aggressive - I think granny loves you so much that she forgets I am your mummy not her.’ Que fake laughter!!!

No big confrontations, it’s an exciting time and she has got carried away.

Original poster
IAteTheLastOne · 09/10/2018 09:31

We have the same prospect st Christmas!

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 09/10/2018 09:32

Your DH needs to deal with this.

Dollymixture22 · 09/10/2018 09:33

I think th come to mummy thing is just a slip of the tongue. Let it go unless it becomes a regular thing.

In my family we all call each other the wrong name -my neice cycles through mummy and granny before she gets to auntie dolly, my mum call me the cats name frequently. Frequently!

JustHavinABreak · 09/10/2018 09:36

While I genuinely feel sorry for you because I am actually quite a private person and really hate having my personal space invaded, in this case it really could be worse. My lovely MIL never got to meet our kids. And my own DM has zero interest in both me and my kids.

Singlenotsingle · 09/10/2018 09:37

"Come to mummy" is just a slip of the tongue; we've all done it. I've done it. My gds5 has called me "mummy," before, it just slips out. It doesn't mean anything. Take photos and put them on Facebook (with restricted settings obvs) so that all the family can see them and print if they want. I'm so so grateful to have a ddil who's happy to share.

JustHavinABreak · 09/10/2018 09:40

Actually shit I'm sorry. That was a really unhelpful thing to say and I don't know why I said it. I NEVER talk about my crappy family situation here but for some reason this post made me cry this morning and I just really wanted to feel like I was fighting off the maternal attention for once. Really old enough to know better. But I'm sorry op. Bloody stupid contribution to the thread