AIBU to really resent my MIL?!

[IAteTheLastOne]

Before the baby, we had to book time to see her weeks in advance. Weeks. Now, after the baby I have to see her every week (which is fair enough) and she’s been sneakily edging in an extra visit midweek. Now my fella is at work, and didn’t really see his mum that much, it’s left to me to spend time with her. She is obsessed with DD. OBSESSED. Even talking about changing retirement plans so that she doesn’t miss ‘her time’. Refers to my DD as ‘hers’ and ‘my ___’. She even let slip ‘Come to mummy’ a couple of times!!

She was fixated on being present for every ‘first’. My argument is that she has 3 children of her own and has had her firsts. I’d like to experience my firsts with my child. She requests photos every day, and if I don’t send straight away she contacts DH! She’s smothering me and I’m starting to resent her. AIBU?

Your phone is broken. No more texts /pics.
Keep curtains shut or do the mn trick I heard last week - keep coats by the door and put it on when she knocks!! You are off out to a friend's house.

“Dear Mil,

I have informed my DH to keep you updated with photos of our baby, because I’m so busy with my dd and often am too distracted and forget any interactions with the outside world. I am sure you understand as you were a mother yourself and as my first child these are special moments that I would like t focus on”.

Just correct the “mummy” thing every time she says it. MIL did this with DS1, I think she was expecting a relationship with him similar to the one she had with SIL’s first. SIL struggled as a young single mum and MIL did actually fulfill some of the roles of mum for him at first.

Be busy whenever she tries to impose on you. Or don’t even bother being busy, just say “we’ll see you on Saturday, like we’ve arranged”.

JustHavingABreak Don’t worry-we’ve all been there! And whilst the MIL hella pisses me off, you’re right it could be worse.

I’m not looking forward to telling her she can’t come round first thing Christmas morning though...or am I?

What's your relationship like with her besides your DD? Do you get on? Is she nice and helpful?

Also, long time lurker first time poster. I have no idea how to tag people. Or to reply to specific messages. Thank you for all of your responses. I feel like I can go and kick ass now!

i'd set up a firmer routine, and I'd also get some time for myself by dropping the baby with her when you want to go and do things. yes she's being overbearing, the novelty will very likely wear off and most of the friction is between you two (understandably). If you trust her, leave the baby with her when you have the visits and make the time more productive and less friction based.

She is nice, only helpful with DD. Eg my mum would come round and help with washing, putting curtains up etc. In the early days she never came without a dish of food, even brought her slow cooker round once and did me a chicken chasseur. MIL, often empty handed and would just expect to sit and hold DD. And have drinks made.

Ugh...she sounds very overbearing! YANBU and I absolutely agree with PP to nip it in the bud before it gets worse. Honestly, it will be better in the long run, even at the cost of upsetting her in the short term.

And the 'mummy' thing? FFS that's disturbing. My MIL used to be overbearing but if she said that I think I'd have fainted!!

Good luck OP, it's not a nice situation but you have to stick up for yourself here.

Tbh honest though MILs who do come round and get stuck in with the housework or bring food can be accused (on MN) of being judgmental or interfering so I can understand why she doesn't do that. Sometimes they just can't win.

Just be firm about when she can see DD and carry on with your day as planned.. tell DH that he should ask his mum to go through him for photos too.

i've got precisely no GP that have every helped out at any point, and who visit and sit and ignore the kids totally, I would really try and turn it into a productive babysitting arrangement so that it serves you rather than grates on you. Whatever you think of the MIL, it's lovely for children to have involved GP, as long as she's not malicious I would just try and get this more into the shape you want it that helps you.

The mummy thing - I didn't have a female relative that didn't love holding my sleeping babies and looking mistily at their OHs - isn't that part of the deal, the revisiting of the glory days? I don't think it's all that bad really. You really miss babies when you don't have them anymore and kids call all women mummy ime for a while. Mummy is a role to them.

i do remember how cross i felt at the time about the lack of care for me personally though, and that they'd scarper as soon as the baby woke up. Just with hindsight I'd say try and get something productive out of this.

Please nip this in the bud soon.

Remember that, long term, this will put pressure on your DD to fulfil MIL's need for closeness. Being the hyper focus of so many expectations is too much responsibility and too much power for a child to cope with. She is not responsible for meeting MIL's needs. You have time to set healthy boundaries now. Be kind and firm.

It's not necessarily a MIL thing, as my own lovely MIL shows.

Don't play games, pretending to be out or telling lies like some suggest. It's pathetic and just causes more conflict.
She's an adult, you're an adult. Just be honest with her and tell her you are happy to make arrangements that suit you both.
She may be upset, she may get huffy....but at least you will have done it right, which in terms long run will make you feel better.
It's no surprise that there are hostilities and conflicts in families when people play games and lie. Just be honest.

Yes if you suddenly stop responding it’s going to be very obvious, best to come up with a clear plan between you and dh and then re establish things