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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at friends poor parenting?

38 replies

Persiangirl · 08/10/2018 20:26

Ok so cousin is single parent of 2 kids. Has a lot of support from Grandmother, myself and other school mums. We all muck in. However I feel it has become expected and taken for granted. Cousin does work but would rather not.
The children have never been to dentist and urgently need to go, they live on McDonald’s and poor food, they go to bed at crazy hours (midnight), they aren’t always up to date on immunisations, poor hygiene, they don’t go to doctors sometimes when they are ill yet cousin is always shopping and IMO getting priorities hugely wrong. The older cousin gets the more selfish and “poor me” they have become.
I have offered to help with dentist but won’t take me up on it.
Yes I may be moaning about nothing to do with me but it is so annoying and frustrating.
When I have said no in the past to having her kids cousin gets annoyed and texts me saying how unfair life is on them.
AIBU to think she is a poor parent???

OP posts:

Jackshouse · 08/10/2018 20:27

They are being neglected. I would contact SS.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/10/2018 20:32

You need to stop trying to manage this family and refer to social services

anitagreen · 08/10/2018 20:36

I think ss would be my last step but has anyone actually told her she needs to step up? Because it sounds a lot like people just bend over backwards for her and tip toe around her incase they upset her?
If she's still not changed and someone has already spoken to her then yes SS. But I think we need a bit more background first on what has actually been done to help her parenting she may think she's doing a brilliant job I hate to say

Original poster

Persiangirl · 08/10/2018 20:41

I have stepped back and not helping out as much. If other Mums at school say no she gets mad and stops talking to them. Everyone owes her a living mentality!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Persiangirl · 08/10/2018 20:43

The kids are literally feral, they are in the flat night and day (except for school) and all holidays.
I have been blinded by loyalty to her for years but can’t stand the selfishness much more.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 08/10/2018 20:45

OP please think of those children who can't help themselves and get SS involved

Jackshouse · 08/10/2018 20:45

SS will work with the Mum to keep the children at home and will only remove the children as the last resort. As an adult you can’t stand by and let these children be abused.

VanillaBeans · 08/10/2018 20:50

We can all be guilty of not being completely on top of everything but this sounds very extreme. The late nights and urgent need of a dentist in particular sound really worrying.

Poor kids, it sounds like there mother for whatever reason is just not capable of giving them what they need :( if I was in that scenario whenever I felt worried about reporting I’d think of that. The children need someone to look after them properly and someone needs to step in and ensure that those needs are met.

FruitofAutumn · 08/10/2018 20:54

why is she a friend in the title and a cousin in the body of the post?

Villainelle · 08/10/2018 20:57

What ages are they?

UserName31456789 · 08/10/2018 20:59

I would also contact SS. The children have to be the priority and it's not like SS will storm in and remove children on the basis of a one phone call.

Niri1 · 08/10/2018 21:01

All these comments about yes contact ss on her. Lets calm down abit and see that she should be taking the children to the dentist and feeding them more nutritious food and keeping macdonalds as a treat. sometimes people shut off from life and don't do what they should. Is your friend feeling overwhelmed and struggling to keep herself together even for the kids. Are there undelying issues as to why she's neglecting these areas. She is obviously taking advantage of you and others but have you thought of all getting together and sitting her down and telling her your concerns. SS should be the last resort, it may be the only option if she doesn't listen and kids are still neglected, but give her a chance to turn it around.

tolerable · 08/10/2018 21:04

@fruit- is that what stands out??honestly,the only msgs i reecieve from ds2 dad is im evil,negligent,shite mam.hes going to schol,sw,police to report me.If i was any of accused i would WANT the intervention-cos-my ds is the most important number in the equation. are the children at risk?you have to suss that out-or-and report if you believe they are.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 08/10/2018 21:08

Bollocks to 'give her a chance to turn it around'. The kids shouldn't be forced to go through further abusive neglect while she gets a 'chance'. Social Services are not monsters - if she needs help then that's what they are there for. By not stepping in, you are complicit in this neglect.

YouTheCat · 08/10/2018 21:08

Is there a family liaison person at school? Might be a good place to start. Just tell them your concerns and let them get on with it.

FunSponges · 08/10/2018 21:09

Report her, neglect is abuse and still has a massive impact on children. Yes she is a shit parent. I cannot abide selfish, shit parents.

PorkFlute · 08/10/2018 21:23

If the children actually need dental treatment and are in pain and she’s withholding it then I would contact children’s services. If it’s just that they haven’t been for their check up then I don’t think it’s quite as serious.
You say hygiene is poor. Do they smell? Are their clothes washed? Just trying to find out if they are actually neglected or just not bathed as often as you would. Anything from daily to twice a week would be acceptable for young kids imo for eg.
I think junk food and bedtimes come down to parental choice. Are the children overweight? Falling asleep at school?
Also wondering about friend in the title and cousin in the op!

missymayhemsmum · 08/10/2018 21:35

Yanbu, you are supporting her, but she's being a rubbish parent. Probably not the scale of neglect that would justify social services intervention, but rubbish parenting nonetheless. You and her mum could intervene and tell her to shape up, but if she's stuck in poor me it probably will do no good.

Stormwhale · 08/10/2018 21:39

It makes me want to cry to think of how the children must feel. They must feel like they aren't worth looking after and that their mum doesn't care enough to meet their basic needs. That would make me report to social services as it breaks my heart to think of children feeling that way.

TheHollowLeggedGoat · 08/10/2018 21:47

Definitely neglect. I've just come home from from a whole day of safeguarding training. If you were their teacher, you'd be obliged to report your concerns about these children.
If you don't want to report them yourself, you could speak to the safeguarding lead or headteacher at their school. Chances are they have them flagged anyway, but your concern might get them some early intervention.

FruitofAutumn · 08/10/2018 21:47

I suspect you mean well, but SS have their plates full with cases of proper abuse eg babies bein sat on electric rings, do not waste their timer with trivia like late bedtimes and McDonalds and it is not normal to take your DC every time they are ill - most illnesses are run of the mill self limiting things which you can easily geal with yourself. It sounds like you waste the GPs time as well as ss

namechange4000 · 08/10/2018 21:54

OP, you have described my childhood. Low level neglect that almost seemed ok. I took myself to the dentist when I was 14 and needed extensive work. We had poor hygiene, clothes didn't get washed, school uniform never ironed etc

I think DM would have been bemused by any SS involvement. She thought she was getting it right.

Contact SS, try to talk about facts rather than your feelings. Keep it simple and based on your major concerns. You're doing the right thing. I wish someone would have intervened for me.

PorkFlute · 08/10/2018 21:55

I see no problem with noting concerns with ss. They will contact the children’s school and if the children are dirty and tired at school this will likely have been noted.
If it is just the op looking for fault the school will be able to report that they have no concerns and likely no further action would be taken.
If the children are being neglected ss involvement might be the rocket up the backside the mum needs.

LauderSyme · 08/10/2018 21:55

I think you should try to talk to your cousin about your concerns and if she refuses to engage constructively with you, approach the Designated Safeguarding Lead at the children's school(s).

I disagree with Niri that SS should be the last resort. The mother may be depressed or she may be selfish, or neither or both. Either way, I think the children's health and welfare would be more urgently and effectively prioritised by her, given the shock of official involvement, and an awareness that the authorities will hold her responsible for her children's care .

tattychicken · 08/10/2018 22:05

SS will not be interested. Grubby, late bedtimes, and a mum who shops will not meet their thresholds.

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