To be annoyed at friends poor parenting?

[Persiangirl]

Ok so cousin is single parent of 2 kids. Has a lot of support from Grandmother, myself and other school mums. We all muck in. However I feel it has become expected and taken for granted. Cousin does work but would rather not.
The children have never been to dentist and urgently need to go, they live on McDonald’s and poor food, they go to bed at crazy hours (midnight), they aren’t always up to date on immunisations, poor hygiene, they don’t go to doctors sometimes when they are ill yet cousin is always shopping and IMO getting priorities hugely wrong. The older cousin gets the more selfish and “poor me” they have become.
I have offered to help with dentist but won’t take me up on it.
Yes I may be moaning about nothing to do with me but it is so annoying and frustrating.
When I have said no in the past to having her kids cousin gets annoyed and texts me saying how unfair life is on them.
AIBU to think she is a poor parent???

I’d contact the head of safeguarding at the children’s school. They can then contact social services and might be aware of a bigger picture.

Kids like those need witnesses (like you) to act.

Are all your children at the same school? Cousin, friends who babysit and your children.
Do you think that staff at the school will have noticed that tooth brushing and dental care etc are not being done?
Are you known to be related at the school? If there were concerns among the school staff di you think they would discretely speak to you? Likely this mum thinks she is doing fine.

School safeguarding officer. They need people to report - it will get the DC more help more quickly.

I'm sure it feels disloyal but you should report. You want to help the DC, it says so in your posts, so please do the most effective thing.

SS are overstretched and I doubt this case would interest them. Whilst it’s far from ideal to have children going to bed at midnight and being fed junk food, it simply isn’t enough to warrant an SS referral.

Many children don’t go to the dentist or even brush their teeth. It’s sad but to some parents that isn’t a priority. This is partly why fluoride treatment is offered at school now.

Teachers are honestly more interested in kids that turn up to school starving rather than ones fed junk food. Or kids turning up to school so smelly flies would be attracted to them. Or kids covered in bruises. They’re not interested in kids that haven’t brushed their teeth.

The dentist is free for kids, find an NHS one. Do you mean help her transport kids there?

Are the kids tired ? Are they up watching TV all night or are they playing / reading etc. Some children need less sleep. My DS is not tired, but only sleeps 8 hours a night not the magical 12 hours.

On the food front. I think a lot of people just feed kids eat junk as it's easy and they will eat it. If money is an issue trying to get them to eat healthy food can mean additional expense and waste if you don't shop wisely. Not what I would do but common.

Low level neglect is awful and has an impact on the kids, but unlikely it will meet any threshold for intervention. You could speak to the safeguarding officer at their school. It may be if the teacher speaks to her she will buck up her ideas a bit.

I’m a teacher and I would want to know about this. The late bedtimes and the oral hygiene and all of it. The school may have more information that you do not. It may be that the school has a conversation with the Mum and that in itself helps.

But you will do no harm by speaking to the School. Ring the School office and ask to speak to the designated safe guarding lead.

You need to tell the school. They may have other information or concerns and yours together may help them act.

Hello op ..I just thought my story might make your decision on what to do for the best easier?I had a member of my family married she was with 2 kids..beautiful kids one of school age and one nearly a toddler..as parents they were both lazy,diengaged with the kids,saw them as accessories and generally didnt give a toss.All they wanted to do was sit on their backsides on there bloody phones all day every day,the parents not the kids! They forgot to bath the kids,forgot to feed the kids,couldnt be arsed who had the kids aslong as they didnt,The house was awful..scruffy,smelly it was shocking.The entire extended family were horrified,disgusted and heartbroken.We all stepped in,cleaned the house for them,desperately tried to get them to sort themselves out,They did nothing..we went back to basics,,charts on the wall for the bloody parents,,when to do this when to do that what to feed the kids and when..it made not one blind bit of difference.They did nothing,The kids suffered terribly with behavioural issues from being ignored and unfed.It got so bad I told them if they didnt sort themselves out I would ring Social Services.They didnt ever think I would.So I did.With a heavy heart all my feelings were the protection of those kids from neglect.No abuse just sheer bloody lazy neglect which should have been totally unavoidable.Enter stage left Social Services..and they were bloody brilliant.In under 4 weeks those kids and their lazy parents lives had been turned about completely.The kids were clean,fed and back into a routine,Six months on and they are still involved working away with this family and the changes all round I cannot begin to tell you what a difference it has made.The mum and dad hated me for doing what I said I was going to do but my god it was so so worth it.It had got to the point where nothing we as extended family could do anymore so it had to be done.Life is looking very good for all of them now,They are all together and I can breath again cos I know the kids are properly looked after.Make the call...please.I am so glad I did.Oh and for the record whilst they are still mad with me I can live with that and they are talking to me again so baby steps.When you have done all you can and it still doesnt work you owe it to the kids to call in professional help.I did and its having amazing results.

Sally that is an amazing story. I am so glad that it all worked out so well for the family you know. It was great that you had the courage to make the contact with SS.

Sod the cousin. Help the kids. Book dental appointments for them and then take them for the day to get checked out. When they are with you, give them baths, wash their clothes and give them fresh food to eat. Don't take them more often than you can manage, but when you have them, do stuff that makes a difference to them, poor things. If your cousin strops, just let her. Don't be affected by it at all.

I think you know when enough is enough..we struggled to get them to see sense but no they wouldnt have it.I was horrified and I knew I would cause hurt and heartbreak by my actions but I could not stand by anymore.I am glad really glad i made the call.It wasnt done out of malice it was done because I was at the end of my tether we all were.They needed a wake up call and social services were truly amazing.I am sorry it took that to sort it but they needed to get their heads out of the sand and left to them they wouldnt have been the parents they could and should have been.They are well on their way now though and the kids are more settled happier and in a structured routine where they can grow and thrive like they deserve to.Best Wishes to you Stillme.its not an easy decision to make,I did it cos the kids couldnt speak for themselves and they needed a voice ...the outcome is looking better for the entire family each day that passes...and I am grateful for the intervention they all recieved.